This is going to be long but I hope someone will read and help. I had to do a compulsion where I have to picture my fiance, say his name, and then say the word GOD afterwards. So I did this compulsion and afterwards the words "I hate God" popped up into my head. It is scaring the crap out of me even though I know I love the Lord and I am a religious person. It is scaring me also because I don't want to do another compulsion and I don't want to end it on something so negative either. I am not looking for reassurance, but I just need to know if I'm not alone and if there is anything I can do to prevent myself from doing another compulsion to stop this.

Hi there, I had this exact type of OCD as a child. I would experience intrusive thoughts of harming Jesus or cursing God’s name and then I would need to have a “holy” thought or pray to neutralize it. What’s important to remember is the content of your thoughts is meaningless, it is OCD that is your enemy- not your thoughts and not yourself. I’m not a religious person now, but I remember how much distress the thoughts brought me and the fear that would follow of the potential consequences. With practice, you’ll be able to separate the thoughts from yourself and recognize them as OCD. Resisting the compulsions will increase your discomfort, but in time will allow for long-term tolerance of the thoughts. The OCD likes to prey on what you value most, but it is not a reflection of your values. Be gentle with yourself and remember a higher being can recognize you’re suffering, so please be compassionate with yourself.

You’re in quite the meta ocd loop here: your compulsion is now associated with an intrusive thought so you want to avoid it (which is another compulsion!) Avoiding your compulsion to prevent the intrusive thought from happening again will not work. My bet is you will have this thought again. And I know that’s sounds scary. BUT it’s actually okay! In fact, if you’re up for a great exposure, I’d have you say this intrusive thought again on purpose next time you do this compulsion. Once it stops being such a trigger, then you can cut out the initial compulsion, since cutting out all compulsions is important obviously. You may also was to write down “I hate God” on a piece of paper 50 times a day. And/or record yourself saying it and play it on a loop. Most importantly, when you do these exposures: no more compulsions! You cannot respond with anything to analyze, neutralize, or push away any uncertainty or intrusive thoughts that arise as a result. Just sit with the anxiety and let it pass on its own without doing anything.

Asking if you’re not alone IS a form of reassurance. So, you’re saying the fiancé and God is a compulsion? It’s not an exposure?