Anyone with HOCD ever feel this strong feeling that they may be 'in denial' and that eventually you will have to come out to the world and live that Gay lifestyle. I am honestly just tired of this, it feels like I am being severely pushed into something I deep down know I don't want, I don't know how long I can last. I am accepting the thoughts, urges and feelings however it's too exhausting, too distressing and too painful, it feels like I am repressing myself, repressing my 'true identity' and I need to just go with whatever my thoughts and urges are telling me to.

I was reading all these articles of gay men who came out to their wives after many years of marriage, keeping the secret, I was triggered everytime, "that's me" "I will have come out eventually" "I will always be miserable if I don't come out as gay", the urges are so strong and soooooo terrifyingly uncomfortable, it's like I'm getting choked.

I experience the same but with POCD. It’s ruining everything.

Intrusive thoughts, sentences, words, feelings, urges, groinal responses (by far the worst) I’m anxious when it comes to intimacy. I can’t read or hear anything without linking it to children. I’m giving in to a lot of (mental) compulsions. Feeling like I’m in denial, a liar who just don’t want to accept it. I have thoughts that I need to break up with my boyfriend because my POCD tells me I‘m just searching for something which proves my thoughts and feelings aren’t real. It tells me that I need to believe I’m a p otherwise I won’t ever be happy again. It’s just so exhausting at the moment, I don’t know. I feel miserable, I don’t feel a lot of anxiety anymore but more like giving up because it’s too much

This is one of my worst thoughts with my HOCD, and makes recovery hard. The worst part is when you feel like you know that you’re not, but there’s always that nagging doubt. But what helps me is holding on to the moments of ‘clarity’ where I know who I am and what feels right. Also, knowing that there are so many OCD success stories and that people go on to live fulfilling lives. I would suggest listening to the podcast ‘The OCD Stories’ if you haven’t already, because there’s a lot of uplifting but real guests who have gone through bad episodes of OCD and come out the other side.

@nInnoaia Sorry to hear that, I can imagine the mental agony, because I feel it constantly, it's pure torture. Exactly, I feel the same, I feel like I am using OCD as an excuse to deny that I truly am Gay and want to live the lifestyle, I also don't feel much anxiety anymore hence it feels more real than ever because the thoughts, feelings and urges are continuous. I feel you, I am exhausted, tired, stressed, in constant mental agony, I feel worse than I ever did.

@m.a.d I agree, I really enjoy those moments of clarity, where I am able to think more rationally and clearly, the 'bad' days are pure torture, it's like I have a different brain all together, I feel completely convinced by the thoughts and doubts, it's terrifying, so much guilt, shame and sadness.

yep, the bad days are horrible. I always described it to my family as like a ‘switch,’ like I had two brains that saw things two ways. But unfortunately the OCD brain feels more powerful because of the anxiety that comes with it. It’s very scary to feel like you don’t hold any power over your own life, but we have to remind ourselves that that’s the OCD talking. I always try to remind myself that I feel crazy when I’m in my OCD thoughts, so I really don’t think that they are my truth.

Yeah I’ve suffered with this and it has affected my sex drive before. It’s a horrible affliction to have.

Omg same!!! :( the urges are the thing I’m struggling with most af the moment. Feels soo real doesn’t it

That’s crazy @Ahmed I have the exact same thing but actually recently am starting to feel a bit better, my sister had harm ocd and got over hers using CBT (blocking out the thoughts or procrastinating them “I’m not thinking of that now”) she’s helped me a lot and given me hope, she told me to stay really busy and not to worry about your sexuality as it’s only feeding into your ocd. The more you wonder the worse you feel because you’re torturing yourself for an answer and you don’t know what it is! I don’t know why but whenever I try to learn a song, from start to finish I feel better as I’m concentrating on the song and not my ocd thoughts and when that happens I’m not obsessing over my sexuality and I know I’m not gay. This may not work for you but when I’m in the depths of despair this is one technique that helps me and I hope it helps you!

I always remember my father saying to me that you don’t make life changing decisions when you’re in a bad place and when you’re suffering from HOCD you’re in a bad place and need to get out of it before you discover your sexuality. This is very easy in theory and nylon impossible in practice but try and do things that occupy the mind and make you think of something other than your sexuality if you can. A voice in the back of your head says if you turn gay you’ll feel so much better but if that’s not who you are then that’s the OCD talking.

@nInnoaia sorry to hear that, Its too painful, what kind of symptoms are you feeling?

i hate HOCD. :(