- Username
- AdamH
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I was reading all these articles of gay men who came out to their wives after many years of marriage, keeping the secret, I was triggered everytime, "that's me" "I will have come out eventually" "I will always be miserable if I don't come out as gay", the urges are so strong and soooooo terrifyingly uncomfortable, it's like I'm getting choked.
I experience the same but with POCD. It’s ruining everything.
Intrusive thoughts, sentences, words, feelings, urges, groinal responses (by far the worst) I’m anxious when it comes to intimacy. I can’t read or hear anything without linking it to children. I’m giving in to a lot of (mental) compulsions. Feeling like I’m in denial, a liar who just don’t want to accept it. I have thoughts that I need to break up with my boyfriend because my POCD tells me I‘m just searching for something which proves my thoughts and feelings aren’t real. It tells me that I need to believe I’m a p otherwise I won’t ever be happy again. It’s just so exhausting at the moment, I don’t know. I feel miserable, I don’t feel a lot of anxiety anymore but more like giving up because it’s too much
This is one of my worst thoughts with my HOCD, and makes recovery hard. The worst part is when you feel like you know that you’re not, but there’s always that nagging doubt. But what helps me is holding on to the moments of ‘clarity’ where I know who I am and what feels right. Also, knowing that there are so many OCD success stories and that people go on to live fulfilling lives. I would suggest listening to the podcast ‘The OCD Stories’ if you haven’t already, because there’s a lot of uplifting but real guests who have gone through bad episodes of OCD and come out the other side.
@nInnoaia Sorry to hear that, I can imagine the mental agony, because I feel it constantly, it's pure torture. Exactly, I feel the same, I feel like I am using OCD as an excuse to deny that I truly am Gay and want to live the lifestyle, I also don't feel much anxiety anymore hence it feels more real than ever because the thoughts, feelings and urges are continuous. I feel you, I am exhausted, tired, stressed, in constant mental agony, I feel worse than I ever did.
@m.a.d I agree, I really enjoy those moments of clarity, where I am able to think more rationally and clearly, the 'bad' days are pure torture, it's like I have a different brain all together, I feel completely convinced by the thoughts and doubts, it's terrifying, so much guilt, shame and sadness.
yep, the bad days are horrible. I always described it to my family as like a ‘switch,’ like I had two brains that saw things two ways. But unfortunately the OCD brain feels more powerful because of the anxiety that comes with it. It’s very scary to feel like you don’t hold any power over your own life, but we have to remind ourselves that that’s the OCD talking. I always try to remind myself that I feel crazy when I’m in my OCD thoughts, so I really don’t think that they are my truth.
Yeah I’ve suffered with this and it has affected my sex drive before. It’s a horrible affliction to have.
Omg same!!! :( the urges are the thing I’m struggling with most af the moment. Feels soo real doesn’t it
That’s crazy @Ahmed I have the exact same thing but actually recently am starting to feel a bit better, my sister had harm ocd and got over hers using CBT (blocking out the thoughts or procrastinating them “I’m not thinking of that now”) she’s helped me a lot and given me hope, she told me to stay really busy and not to worry about your sexuality as it’s only feeding into your ocd. The more you wonder the worse you feel because you’re torturing yourself for an answer and you don’t know what it is! I don’t know why but whenever I try to learn a song, from start to finish I feel better as I’m concentrating on the song and not my ocd thoughts and when that happens I’m not obsessing over my sexuality and I know I’m not gay. This may not work for you but when I’m in the depths of despair this is one technique that helps me and I hope it helps you!
I always remember my father saying to me that you don’t make life changing decisions when you’re in a bad place and when you’re suffering from HOCD you’re in a bad place and need to get out of it before you discover your sexuality. This is very easy in theory and nylon impossible in practice but try and do things that occupy the mind and make you think of something other than your sexuality if you can. A voice in the back of your head says if you turn gay you’ll feel so much better but if that’s not who you are then that’s the OCD talking.
@nInnoaia sorry to hear that, Its too painful, what kind of symptoms are you feeling?
i hate HOCD. :(
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?
I’m so exhausted. Been having HOCD since May & had it once before when I was 15 - both times began as me genuinely thinking I was questioning my sexuality, then it became obsessive and that’s when I landed on HOCD. It was more like HOCD that actually questioning. But I will say I do find women attractive, and have always watched lesbian porn & in my mind I guess I do find women’s body’s somewhat sexually attractive. This being said - I have always had boyfriends, always fell for boys and not once have I ever been genuinely interested in a girl or fallen for one. I’m 20 too, so it’s not like i’m only 14. In very open about sexuality and accept everything and everyone, so the idea of being lesbian or bi isn’t alien to me. Some of my friends are gay and lesbian . Earlier this summer I even started coming out to people as maybe being bi, and i was almost pushing that label onto myself to try and accept myself - but it still didn’t feel right and I am still unsure and uncertain. Just want some advice - is this similar to other people’s stories ? Not looking for reassurance, just genuinely wondering wether it is HOCD or maybe I am just abit gay hahaha (which would be okay, just doesn’t really feel right)
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