Hi everyone! Hope everyone’s doing well. I just wanted to ask a question because I’ve been trying to improve with not letting the intrusive thoughts make me spiral, but something happened the other day that has been making me really upset, and down, but I don’t know if my worry is connected to my OCD or if it’s just general feelings. I just wanted some advice. Basically, I’ve been struggling with POCD and also have struggled with HOCD however the HOCD is not as bad now, however I do still frequently get the intrusive thoughts. Anyway, someone on here told me and several sites that I had been making my OCD worse by avoiding things such as masturbating or porn to avoid the intrusive thoughts in these situations. So the other day, I tried to watch some whilst masturbating, and not stopping if the intrusive thoughts came, and just try and brush them off and not have a guilt spiral. But I watched a video that came up and it was a man working as a masseuse and there were different women coming in and he was massaging them but going close to her down below and then touching her there. And the camera angle was weird, and it looked hidden and I did get a bit worried about it but just carried on. But then I looked at the top of the video and it said sponsored by hidden cameras in massage places. And then I was like omg no what if this video has been uploaded and the women didn’t have consent and they didn’t know they were being filmed and I’ve just watched a man touching them. And I didn’t stop the video, I watched for around 20 more seconds and then turned it off so now I feel so so guilty, and I feel like a terrible person. Is this my OCD ? I’m just so stressed and feel awful, I keep trying to brush the thoughts away but it’s becoming difficult to, and it’s making me feel terrible. Any help ?

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

Sorry if this is a bit of an odd post, but I’m wondering if there are any girls out there that have specifically struggled with shame around watching porn? A lot of my real-event ocd stems from watching that kind of content in the past, and for some reason it feels particularly taboo as a woman. As a young teen, I saw some genuinely disturbing things, and I think a lot of that was to do with having unrestricted access to the internet. However, despite lots of people telling me “that’s normal teen curiosity” it just never feels like it applies to me, and that I’m genuinely just a sexual deviant. I think because that kind of content is so graphic and overstimulating it’s really stuck in my brain, and I just wish I could turn back the clock and switch off the computer. I’ve recently been struggling with doing typical ‘girly’ stuff because I feel tainted and gross, and I just want to get back to feeling myself again.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh