Just got really triggered Saw a post on Twitter saying “does he give you butterflies or are you just disgusted by him” and all of the comments were full of women saying this is how they knew they were lesbians. I’ve always gotten really anxious before dates and the idea of relationships, so this is a huge trigger for me. Trying to sit with the anxiety and accept uncertainty but it’s so difficult :(

Is not really an ocd post.So some weeks ago I started to date a guy who is going to college with me.We met recently and I hold his hand.After..he started to touch me...is a way that I was not really uncomfy(is not something serious).And it bothered me 2 times, but idk if it was intentional or not.I was never in a relationship..We started talking 4 months ago and he told me we can be togheter and get to know eachother over time..I accepted..But now idk if it was a good decision..I mean..when he was actling like that before I was fine with it..now I am not really.When he kisses me I feel weird..maybe even grossed out.I dont understand myself..but the idea is that I told hom before that he can be more affectionate with me.And now I am honestly a bit scared of how he will react if I break up with him.I feel anxious.And when we got togheter I felt like that and I told a friend and she told me is normal because is my first time..What do you think? (Plus...I also like women and idk if I am bi or a lesbian)

This is going to be long and all over the place. To give some context I’ve dealt with SOOCD for a long time now and it had very bad effects on my past relationship. I had a hard time being intimate with my past partner because I was always subconsciously checking if I was getting aroused enough, if I was attracted to him, if I truly liked him, or if I was lying to myself (yk the whole deal). I literally felt nothing but anxiety when we did things which made everything worse. I was also extremely depressed which made my libido and attraction towards men completely vanish (still have low libido and my attraction is kinda the same). Me and the guy broke up and a couple years ago we reconnected. When I saw him again I was extremely attracted to him, romantically and sexually. This made me so happy because I finally felt some confirmation that I knew who I was and my thoughts weren’t real after years of being tortured by them. We didn’t end up lasting because my feelings started to shift but I truly blame that on the fact that it was just a dumb old high school relationship, he was a terrible boyfriend in the past, and we had nothing in common. However while we were together, I had dealt with really bad relationship anxiety. I found other people attractive which gave me reassurance, but also made spiral because I thought it meant I didn’t like him anymore, I was lying to myself about my feelings, and I questioned everything about the relationship. Fast forward to now, I am now in a new relationship and I’ve known this guy for a long time. I developed a crush on him which again made me really happy bc I haven’t had a crush in a VERY long time. I made a couple of posts on here about how I started to overthink everything (pls read those to get more context I don’t want to make this even longer). I started to get really anxious and had more intrusive thoughts about lying to myself about my feelings/and sexuality, not really liking him, not being attracted to him, yk all that. I was able to manage it by watching a video about rumination where the guy basically just said “stop thinking about it.” He said to just let it float there, don’t engage with it, don’t try to solve or understand, don’t try to replace it, don’t say a mantra, don’t be mindful, just let it be there and move on. I also went on reddit and this guy said to stop hyper focusing on the attraction/ the “right” feelings bc the more you try to look for them the less you will feel it. Anyways, I took the advice and the next time we hung out I felt comfortable and just so much better. It was the sweetest date and I truly had a fun time. However, when we kissed I immediately started over analyzing and questioning everything. I had bad experiences with my ex because I kept trying to analyze my feelings like do I really like this kiss? Am I actually attracted to him? Why am I not feeling super excited right now? Why did all these good feelings just go away? It was so annoying and heartbreaking for me because I just want to be normal, I want to truly enjoy this relationship. I want to stop automatically checking and over thinking everything. We’ve discussed sexual things and it automatically made me hyper analyze everything making me feel more anxious and unsure about the relationship and my sexuality. There have been times where we talked about them and I’ve thought about it with no worry, and I even got turned on by it (tmi i’m sorry). But I’m worried that I’ll have the same bad experiences I did with my ex and it’ll ruin how I view the everything. I was so excited for this but now I feel so scared and anxious again. I really want to enjoy this, he’s truly an amazing person and I want to be with him without being bombarded by this shit 😭. Sorry if none of this made sense. Please give me advice if you have any!!!!

Well, I'm a lesbian who has been living with this type of OCD for a few years and many things bring me intrusive thoughts and trigger crises. Something that always freaks me out is how people describe their attraction as primarily intense and nervous, and to me it's really more like some mild, adorable enthusiasm and a feeling of fascination and wanting to get some attention from the girl too. But nothing really nervous, something might tighten in my stomach, but it won't be irremediable or so intense,Maybe I don't even really realize it at the time. There's also a bit of a loss of words and a bit of a blur, I seem slightly disconcerted, but not really anxious in a physical way And kind of crazy as some (many) describe it on lesbian and queer community forums. It really freaks me out, like if my attraction doesn't match all this anxiety does that mean I'm not actually attracted to girls?! Am I not a lesbian then? My OCD says maybe I'm straight, Because for me it's much easier to feel anxiety in interactions with some guys than with girls, but it doesn't seem like attraction to them either. In the presence of men I have anxiety about, it's more like hypervigilance about how I'm perceived by them (they'll judge me), It's not all guys I feel this way about, but some guys, This happens to guys I know who have some kind of social status. And the anxiety around them is literally a flight response mixed with hypervigilance, it's literally fear, Even though I feel like he's a nice guy, and I can acknowledge that and I can even find his company enjoyable, I can't help but feel at least a little "please leave" for certain types. In fact, I don't want anything sexual or romantic with men, I absolutely don't identify with the way people who like men say they feel about them. It's just anxiety to me. Furthermore, I feel immense disgust at imagining myself with a man on any level, even without having had any bad experiences with men. I have never been abused by a man and And I haven't experienced any trauma involving men at any stage in my life, so it's an absolutely inherent discomfort for me. I've tried dating men before and it was always uncomfortable, I couldn't touch them, or imagine doing any of that without feeling disgust and repulsion. I couldn't tell them that I loved them the way they expected, or that I simply liked or was attracted to them. It felt wrong, it was simply the wrong answer. But I always thought anxiety was the only thing that showed attraction, so it took me a while to consider not liking men. But I really don't, I don't like them to the point where it makes me sick. I've always been much more friends with girls than with boys. Girls have always been much more in my social circle, I've always learned more social skills from them. Guys were kind of distant,I had male friends, yes, and I still do, but there isn't as much connection, they are more friends. So I've probably learned to be more relaxed around girls, even around the ones I'm even slightly attracted to, it's just like that. But I feel a desire to be with him. When they're closer to me, I feel this desire to be with them, not as a friend, but as something that involves romance with them. I feel happy and comfortable. But I'm terrified now, I'm really terrified now. If all this attraction-related nervousness doesn't suit me, then I'm straight?! What if I am? What if I can't be a lesbian? I really think this might invalidate my sexuality, I'm scared to death. I'm literally crying my eyes out because I can't feel like I belong anywhere else. But then I think "what if I just want to be special?", "what if I'm not really a lesbian?". I don't want to get involved with men at all, I want girls and I desire them and I fantasize about them, But what if my attraction is fake?! What if the fact that I genuinely want to be in a romantic relationship with a girl is just bullshit? What if it means nothing, I don't feel that nervous illness they talk about when it comes to attraction! It's causing me a lot of distress and agony. I've been compulsively checking my reactions for a long time, and it's getting worse during these crises. Any other lesbians with OCD who can relate to this? Please, I need answers, I'm really freaking out.