Just got really triggered Saw a post on Twitter saying “does he give you butterflies or are you just disgusted by him” and all of the comments were full of women saying this is how they knew they were lesbians. I’ve always gotten really anxious before dates and the idea of relationships, so this is a huge trigger for me. Trying to sit with the anxiety and accept uncertainty but it’s so difficult :(

❗️HUGE HOCD TRIGGER ❗️ I‘m having a panic attack right now. I saw a lesbian who said sometimes it can take a lifetime to figure out that you are homosexual and that the easiest way to figure out if you are gay is to see who you fall in love with. And then she said something that triggered my HOCD so, so much. She said „When I was a teenager the thought of having sex with a woman made me cringe, but whenever I kissed a man it was dull and when I kissed a woman it was really interesting.“ That’s the end for me. I‘m losing hope.

Just got off the chat with my therapist. Immediately triggered by late bloomer lesbians who loved their SOs. I love mine but I can’t orgasm and I’m afraid I’m not turned on enough by him naked. I’m so so so so scared I need a woman to be satisfied or that eventually I’ll take action and be with one. I want to vomit but it almost feels like I’m turned on in my groin. I’ve been working through ERP but these types of stories are 100% a huge trigger for me

Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.