i haven't eaten all day my brain is telling me if i eat i am gonna act these thoughts i'm scared i got random thought yesterday now i am afraid that i am not only a zoo*****, p*do, in**** but also a serial killer i am so sad and drained i gave in to all compulsions, i have avoided my whole entire friends and family ugh this saddening, how come my brain can't view things the way i want them too, they only things that smooth me now are plants

I definitely feel like I have a rare form of OCD. I am so uncomfortable talking about it , but I feel like I should get it out , I need to get it out . My compulsions are avoiding looking at people , eating food . Not wanting to cook, not wanting to go out, not wanting to be alone with people. But I obviously still do these things. But best believe I don’t want to ... I don’t know what to think anymore , like it feels like when I look myself in the eyes I don’t recognize myself ... I don’t find ANYTHING interesting anymore. Because literally everything that I do I still have thoughts ... i feel like I have a serious case , and when I think about death for me , it makes me feel like I’ll be set free from this mental distress. But I don’t want to die , I want to enjoy my life. But I don’t and feel like I can’t enjoy my life feeling like I’m going to attack someone all the time . Feeling like I’ll lose my mind all the time . I hate this for my bf and my family and my kids , they don’t deserve this . Feeling like I don’t love ANYONE, not even myself , not even my baby in my stomach. I can’t think see my future anymore ... like I used to be able to , I wanted my job , and I wanted to be this healthy amazing mother and wife one day but now I just don’t see it anymore , and then in my head it tells me is it because I want to kill people and or animals? And eat them? Please no judging , so yes I said eat them.. it feels sick to me. I had not been wanting to eat , and my head was telling me it’s because I want to eat people . Wow it sounds so weird typing that . There is soooo much more to my weird thoughts , like I was feeling like I had been doing okay not to long ago , and then it came back to me felt wayyyy stronger.. I know this sounds so ignorant but my sister had told me that she had ate her poop before , and tasted her pee, and now I am thinking I will try poop ... i hate seeing poop because I think I will just pick it up and eat it. I wish I could write this alllll out but it’s to much . I do wanna say one thing that has been bothering me a lot. When people are having problems it’s like I don’t care and I just think kill them , I don’t like when people talk about other people because I had this thought that if you don’t like someone and they are causing you problems then you wanna hurt them . I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared I’ll blurt out my thoughts ... please no one feel sorry for me . I hate that , I hate feeling sorry for myself . I want to talk to someone about ALL my problems . I need a Therapy but absolutely terrified:(

i feel so fucking trapped i feel so clueless what to do because ive been eatinf for the past 3 days and i feel like im not supposed to and im gaining weight even though im walking 9 miles a day and i dont know what to do because i’m doing everything i fucking can to lose weight and nothings working and im so terrified and i wish i could tell someone in my family and i just woke up to check my weight and i’m barely less lbs than yesterday and i HAVE to be losing weight or im doing something wrong and i am but its barely anything and im just so obsessed with calories and im starting to get obsessed with macros and its so fucking bad and i just feel myself falling deeper into the hole and i cant do anything about it. im crying so hard because im so tired of living like this constantly with no one close ro talk to about it. im having a hard time working out lately since its so cold out and so i have to use the treadmill inside but my ocd makes me constantly paranoid if people in my house can hear me or see me on the treadmill and im on it for like 2+ hours so i want to skip doing it because im constantly checking behind me and i cant ljsten to music when i have to check if people are coming out of their bedrooms but i cant take a break from working out since i know im gaining weight for some reason. i just wish i fasted those days i told myself i should have eaten. im so mad at myself for everything and i wish my body made sense to me. im going to kbbq tonight and its why im having this breakdown because i should be losing weight but its gonna make me gain weight. i dont want to go i really really dont want to go but i cant tell my friend that. i just dont want to go to any social outings ever again because they all make me gain weight. im so scared i dont know what to do i just want to go back to starving myself because its the safest option. im so sick of seeing the number on the scale go up and i just feel so fucking defeated

Today I woke up with the intrusive thought „did I harm my dog sexually during the night?“. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc they’re not really possible. I’ve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesn’t know and she hadn’t heard anything and said she’s 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. I’ve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they can’t actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess I’ll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I could’ve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I might’ve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasn’t possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, I’m so tired I don’t want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. I’ve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. I’ve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I can’t accept the uncertainty. I’m so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember it’s exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe I’m hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously don’t want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.