Has anyone with relationship OCD had a fear of their partner Masturbating while in a relationship with you? I seem to have had this all my life & mentioned it to partners before. A few have lied about it & admitted it later after agreeing for us to both NOT do it. Found out my fiancé of 2 yrs has lied about it & I am crushed. He told me that it’s normal & that he doesn’t like to do it or want to but all guys do. That he just wants to be a human being. I have a desire to control this because of my fear. I have not done it since we have been official & feel betrayed. He refuses to talk about masturbation with me. Anyone have a similar issue? How did you cope to get thru it?

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

TLDR my long distance partner broke my trust a year and a half ago, hasn’t built it back, the trust building things have become compulsions for me and my partner tells me all of it is not based in any reality and is now continuing to break my trust even more because of being burnt out from my rOCD compulsions related to that lack of trust. My long distance partner (they/them) has poor boundaries with women and over the past 2+ years consistently prioritizes connections with them over my comfort. They never flirt but they spend time with and become emotionally close with women who are clearly interested and will talk with women online who flirt with them (they don’t flirt back they just engage them in conversation). But because nothing is ever sexually explicit they’ve always gaslit me about this and told me there’s no flirting going on on the women’s end (there definitely is I’ve checked with other people who confirm it’s definitely flirtatious). They’re very into attention generally and have a pretty big following on tiktok and are in a locally very popular band and go to a lot of shows and it all makes me very uncomfortable. This started in late 2023 when we had a big rupture of trust related to them spending time with a specific woman. At that time I told them you can help me rebuild this trust by giving me information and reassurance when you’re out or with people. They struggled a lot to remember to do this (they have several mental health disorders that affect cognition and memory but this stuff is really simple I never ask for anything elaborate just a few sentences). To this day a year and a half later they still haven’t really started doing it (but they tell me that they have (they haven’t) and that I just choose not to trust them) but the struggle of me trying to get them to give me this information and reassurance has very intensely snowballed from a trust building thing into a massive rOCD compulsion and my entire life has been completely turned upside-down to where I’m constantly ruminating about what they’re doing and who they’re talking to. This has understandably affected them too because it’s difficult being constantly hounded about what they’re doing, to the point for them where they’ve now started no longer asking if I’m ok with them spending time in person with certain women they just do it- not only that but they’re now lying about it and hiding it from me (I find out because I’m good at being able to tell when somethings going on). They tell me that the entirety of this issue is just my rOCD, constantly, because they’re not cheating or having sex with these women so that makes it ok. I’m now in a constant state of panic, I can barely sleep and I can’t function. I don’t know what to do has anyone else experienced anything like this? I’m just at the start of exposures with my therapist but it’s really hard when the triggers are real things that are really happening and my partner makes me feel crazy for having the feelings I have about this. I also have to fight to have any sexually intimate time with them (all over the phone since we only meet up a few times a year) and I’m the main one who initiates the vast majority of the time. I feel completely unwanted and like not a priority and my therapist and I have identified that most of my compulsions are trying to prove to myself that I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, because if I let things go and accept being treated this way it means I deserve it. I’m just generally heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.

Despite the fact that I have never once acted flirtatiously with someone else over the course of my 3-year relationship, never talked to anyone inappropriately, never touched or interacted with anyone inappropriately, I have been battling constant ROCD obsessions centered around cheating ever since my partner and I got together. I am constantly worried about whether certain things are cheating: daydreaming about another person (already told my partner about this and he said it was okay and that he does it too), talking in a group chat with someone, sitting next to someone, speaking to them in person. I question my intentions. I worry that I cheated by wearing my hair a certain way in an attempt to look more attractive or by jokingly poking someone with a fake sword (despite doing it to other people too), looking through someone’s social media, etc. I have confessed so many ridiculous things to my partner and he’s always told me that none of them are cheating. I feel so guilty for being attracted to someone else, despite the fact that my partner said it was fine and normal. I have made a very very conscious effort to limit my interactions with this person. I never ever ever ever message them privately, I make an obsessive effort to NOT reply to their messages in a group server (constantly keeping track of the ratio of my replies to their messages compared to other people’s), to ignore them when I see them in person and hardly ever speak to them or initiate conversation with them. Yet I still feel like a disgusting dirty cheater who is hiding a big secret.