for the past four days, i haven’t been taking care of myself. i don’t sleep until 5, i wake up at 4 in the evening, i only have 1 meal a day, and i look ill. my room’s been a mess for a few months now so i’ve been sleeping in the guest room. my acne has worsened because i’ve been skipping my skincare routines and haven’t been showering. i feel so sad, i want to be productive and do something that makes me feel useful to others but i just can’t. sometimes i can’t even move. i just feel numb. sleeping has been the only way to really block out my thoughts. when i’m lucky i get good dreams and when i wake up sometimes i pretend those dreams actually happened. i feel like i have no one to talk to, no one really asks me how i’m doing anymore and i don’t blame them because we’re all going through something. but even my own parents don’t seem to bother about how i’m feeling. i just feel alone and i want to get through it but i’ve been too weak to. i don’t like this feeling

I have never dealt with severe depression like this, I feel really hopeless and scared, I can't imagine a future out of all my mental health issues and I can't imagine being healthy and happy. The last 3/4 years I feel like I've done nothing but avoid things that are challenging and his at home every day because of my mental health and now it's all hitting me so hard that I'm so unhappy with my life and ick how to push through feeling so bad I can't even eat. I don’t even feel like I want to hurt myself but my will to live also feels so low. I hate feeling like I’m so trapped in a mental health cycle that nothing can break it

I didn't even realize. I'm about to get my period and my anxiety is higher. I'm noticing how my friend hasn't written back to my texts or hasn't answered the last 3 times I called. I think he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I wrote a text and asked if I did something wrong and he didn't respond. My other friend annoyed me. And I think my other friend doesn't like me that much. I feel abandoned and forgotten and like I must be a bad friend or bad person or why would they all forget me like this. What did I do? Did I take my opinions too far? I've been picking at my skin, having a feeling of unrest. I just watch Netflix and lie on my couch to avoid it. I look okay, but I haven't worked in a year purposefully to find a new way, but I haven't found it yet. I'm doing so much, but it always feels like too little. I tell myself again and again that I'm doing enough, but there's always a voice that says no you're lazy, you're unhealthy and you're just making excuses. I hyperfixate on stupid solutions like blood tests, supplements, genetic testing to explain my symptoms my depression (or is it laziness) my anxiety, my lack of energy, my aches and pains. I quit all drugs and alcohol even caffeine. I track my sleep. I want to feel good. And believe it or not I was thinking I did feel good? Until the afternoon. I don't know. I really hope this is just some fucking b vitamin deficiency and I'll take some pills and be reborn as a human and not a trash pile. Look at me all perfect. With all my career, and my money, and friends who don't like me. Don't I look put together. I'm so imperfect and so scared of anyone finding out. I'm so scared to tell anyone how messed up I am on the inside. I rant to my therapist, my coaches, whoever but I'm just going around in circles. Without support I'd be fucking nuts. Thankfully I pay people to support me. Because no one would for free. Fuck my.life.

I'm really tired. Since i wake up, i'm constantly tired. I would sleep all day. And every visit i do, i keep getting gaslighted, or not taking seriously. Every time i try to talk with mumy friends, and i feel worse, because they can do so much in one day, maybe even 3 or 4 fully activities, when i have to choose if i prefer to survive (so eat wash etc) or do something useful (study, hobby). I can't do both, without my body completely hurting. I feel so hopeless, it never changes i am useless for myself:(