i hate myself

i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.

This is just a vent. Feels nice to just be honest about who I am and my deficiencies. Mental health advocates are always like "you deserve to live no matter what" and I'm like "bet lol" I am not a good person whose presence has any positive impact on the world. I'm not evil, just useless without having the excuse of depression or whatever (it's anxiety based but again who gives a shit). If I were to go away, I wouldn't be missed because I contribute nothing of note. If we did not live in the US where you can get by without being socially accepted as long as you have loving parents, I would either be dead or would have stepped up and might actually be a valuable member of society (like between being dead and pushing through my anxiety I would probably choose the latter lol). Interpersonally, I have no redeeming qualities. No I'm not one of those people who says that shit and then lists all the ways they're actually decent but just have low self-esteem, I'm genuinely useless. I'm unreliable when it comes to group projects and my job, usually doing the bare minimum or less than that. When it comes to my work in general, I tend to drop the ball, often waiting till the last minute to get started on it, turning it in late, or simply not turning it in at all. I make promises about the things I will do and then don't do them. I also lack initiative and just follow orders. Socially, I don't have any friends and don't make an effort to try to gain any - I tend to act distant in social interactions and don't join in when people are having group conversations. I'm a talented artist, but the only work I've ever shown others in the last few years has been shoddy, amateurish, and completely unreflective of my abilities, and I've never been complimented for it lol. How do I feel about all this? Pretty freaking bad, yet I make no effort to change. I'm afraid of most things so I avoid them, screwing up my own life and negatively affecting other people's as well. Despite all this, I have this desire to be accepted by someone else as I am. The fact that I accept myself shows that it's possible, I guess (you could argue that I don't have a choice but I definitely chose to be okay with myself after years of self-loathing). I have a shit-ton of flaws and nothing to really offset them - I mean I'm self-aware but I think self-awareness is completely useless if you don't do anything about what you've observed in yourself, and less self-aware people are able to take more risks - and I just have this fantasy of someone showing up and looking at all that I am and being like "you have contributed literally nothing to society and you have no redeeming qualities but I accept you as you are and love you, for no reason other than I just do." But based on the comics I've read this can only happen if you're childhood friends who've known each other for a long time lol. No reason someone's gonna want to be friends with some random person who leaves a poor first impression and doesn't do anything to further the relationship. The plus side of this is that I have a /lot/ of room for growth, lots of things to change that could make me a better person. The negative side is that it is still just as hard to not be avoidant af as it was yesterday

Sometimes I feel like an overwhelmed anger that I get angry at people who did nothing to me and I feel so bad for it I really don't wNt to be that person I try my best to me nice to people because I know that everyone is going thru something But my anger is not pure anger it comes from from being so depressed and hopeless and to the people I hurt I wish I could apologize they don't deserve that But iam so scared of the person that iam becoming Sometimes I truly I wish I could end it all but my dad don't want that I don't know why it's not iam like their favorite I want to leave because if I stay I will only bring harm to people and I don't want that I feel like my purpose in life is over and there is nothing else I could offer