Alone

All my real events are hitting me all at once and i genuinely despise my existence right now... i feel so alone and genuinely horrible and nothing is working for me right now... im trying to not ask for reassurance but its so dang tough and i dont know what to do... please someone help me... i feel so so so so so alone right now...

Hi everyone! I just want to share that I’m having a really hard day, selfishly, to feel better. But some of you might relate to it. I’ve been obsessing about my looks and body image. I feel soo ugly, like almost deformed, “abnormal, ill” looking. Like I have never seen anyone that looked as ugly as me. And I spend hours checking myself and doing skincare and using face sculpting tools compulsively. I also feel VERY very alone partially due to this being isolating but also just being back at my (abusive) parents home for the summer. I feel very empty today like nothing makes me excited or matters. I feel like a disgusting, awkward, incapable, undeserving little creature. Like everybody else on this world is in a group chat,and im the only one left out lol. I went shopping today to feel something and ended up compulsively buying stuff and shocker, now im feeling 10x worse, more empty. But I am also stressed about the money and feel extremely guilty. I feel worthless. I guess i should just let me feel the emptiness and feelings that come up without trying to distract myself with something all the time. So yeah thats where I’m at today.

Afraid to tell people about when I'm down. I've been told that certain people don't want to hang out with me because if I encounter a trigger then my mood changes and makes everybody else be down too. To me, this means I have to hide what I'm feeling because they don't want to deal with it. I should be able to openly talk to these people without judgments and without worrying if they'll get tired of my condition. I grew up with one of the people who told me that and she used to be depressed. Never did I feel like I wanted to distance myself when she was feeling down so how could someone say that to me. I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to anymore. One of the other people who told me that is my mom and she has said before that I'm lucky that they are still with me because anyone else would have left a long time ago. I feel like I'll never find someone who wants to stay with me because they won't want to deal with my sadness and the depression that ocd brings me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't. My family and I were gonna go to the beach but I started feeling really sad all of the sudden. last night my brother looked down so at night I blew him a kiss and the my mom was like go give her a hug to him but hugging and physical touch makes me uncomfortable because of my ocd and she knows that and not only did it bother me that she kept insisting despite all the times I've told her jsut that but it bothered me most that she kept insisting with him right there. I don't want to make him feel bad or feel like I'm not hugging him bc it's him. and idk but I couldn't go to sleep until I explained that to him so I had sent him a text last night before either went to bed. and then I explained in person today earlier too and I told my mom over the phone since she was out all day about how it bothered me and that it bothers me as it is because I'm an affectionate person and the ocd takes that away from me constantly I don't need her to keep pushing me to do what makes me uncomfortable you know? but odk why I suddenly got a wave of sadness now but I didn't want to bring the mood down at the beach and I also kinda just needed to be alone and cry alone