I feel like I’m giving up

i can’t take care of myself anymore. i’m sleeping with no bedsheets, no pillow and no blankets. it’s so hard to do anything. i can’t shower, i can barely eat, i can’t brush my teeth. i want to self harm so bad right now, i just want to end it all honestly. i feel like i was doomed from the start. my own mother says i should just kill myself. i don’t know what to do at this point. i can’t accept help because i can’t have anyone near me. i feel hopeless. i know this is temporary but, i don’t know. i feel like a child who needs to be guided, i just want someone to hold my hand and help me, but my mother hears my cries for help and ignores me. i’m an adult, there’s no one here to save me, no one to guide me. all i have is myself but, im no good.

Every time I feel like I'm doing something major that OCD has held me back from, or even just in a good headspace, something else will happen that sets me back of triggers my anger and hopelessness. This morning I felt so hopeless and didn't want to get out of bed. But I made myself get up, and order some groceries because I hadn't been eating much lately. Having a hard time with food prep and making sure everything is clean enough to use and eat. Anyway I ordered some stuff to have delivered bc I knew the stores would be packed on Sunday morning. I made coffee and started feeling like I could get some things done today I'd been avoiding, and that I could handle things. When I went down to grab the grocery bag that had been delivered, it was on the ground outside my building and it had some red spot on the outside, which is my biggest trigger with contamination right now. It was really discouraging and I got so, so angry. I know that there's not OCD god, and that things happen, and that I don't know what the red mark was, but I also don't know how to not worry that the person delivering it was bleeding or that I could use anything I got without worrying I'm in danger. Ive been desperately trying to find help and a therapist, even switched my insurance to see if it helped but I've had no luck and my life is unraveling right now. If anyone has any advice or encouragement, It would be greatly helpful.

I need somebody to tell me if I’m a monster or not. Nobody’s replying to my posts and it scares me. Am I too far gone? Why am I so numb? I hate these horrible thoughts, I think. I think. I’m so full of doubt, I don’t know what I want or don’t want anymore. I think I don’t want this. This feels like the end of the road.