I feel like I’m giving up

I struggle with self harm and depression. I told my doctor a week ago that I have suicidal thoughts and she put me on an anxiety/depression med and she said it could make things better or worse. I have noticed I barely eat anything anymore and I started to self harm more. I go through my day struggling and I’ve lost my friends and I stay in my room 24/7. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. People say “oh it’ll get better” or “you’ll overcome it” or “don’t worry it’ll be okay” but guess what it’s not true. I feel like no one gets me or no one will listen to me. No one understands the pain I go through every second of the day trying my hardest to put on a fake smile. I can’t do it anymore. I want it to stop.

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.

I have OCD, but my parents don’t understand what I’m going through. All I wanted was for someone to be by my side and support me, but they dismiss my struggles, telling me to "just stop thinking" and that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. When I asked for a new therapist because my current one isn’t helping—she isn’t even an OCD specialist—they became angry and didn't believe I need therapy and instead blame me for everything. My father was so mad, he insist to gave me a knife and kill myself. He threatened to isolate me completely, cutting me off from school, the internet, and everything else. My mom cried and shut me down when I tried to explain my pain. They refuse to listen and my dad said it’s all my fault. That day they threw me outside the house for a night, and called me back in telling me to forget everything and forgive them, but I understood that I will not be able to mention anything about my mental health or seeing an OCD specialist ever again, I am completely alone now. With no financial support, and now I don’t know if I’ll ever get the proper therapy I need. I’m only 15, but it feels like I’ll be trapped in this suffering forever, I feel hopeless, I feel like shit, I am going to suffer forever with no support and help.