Yesterday I convinced myself I am OK with being alone, no real friends, husband working away at weekdays. I was just fine. As if I had accepted my destiny.
Today I feel lonely and incompetent and worthless.
I blame myself for developing ocd, for not overcoming it in way over 30 years, for feeling tired all the time, for not being able to concentrate on one task for longer than 20-30min, for not accomplishing what I had planned on daily bases, for postponing everything, for people not wanting to be a real friend to me, for people using and dropping me like trash, for caring too much, for feeling ashamed, for being too sensitive, for everything possible.
I blame myself that I of all people in a large family and relatives, had to be the one messed up and weird and nutty. The one with ocd. Why was I the one who got ocd and no one else? Why me? The rest were inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, arrogant idiots, and I was sensitive, caring, helping, respectful and nice to people and animals and I was rewarded with ocd.
People called me strange, weirdo, liar because I was trying to hide ocd, and in the end I was labeled bad in the family. Why me? I was the only genuinely humane one and the rest called me bad, trash,...? Just because I had ocd. If I had diabetes or epilepsy, would I also be called the bad names. Well they had no idea that ocd was ocd.
I don't see those people anymore. I have been cometely familyless and relativeless for almost 30 years.
And I still at times feel like they taught me to feel. Worthless.
I have a husband. Even with him I felt like a lying hypocrite at times. I couldn't tell him about my obsessions because he wouldn't have understood. And he looked at me as if I was a lying scum.
I didn't even trust myself. I felt like I was told I was and not the way I knew I was.
I know they were wrong. But still... there come the days when I feel exactly the way they made me feel when I was just getting to know ocd without even knowing it's name. As a young girl, not even a teenager yet.
How to feel my own worth?
I think I have no control over my life.
I just do and feel what thoughts and feelings order me to do and feel.
I was supposed to write a long essay today. I have been postponing it for sooo long and I just can't focus. I am furious at myself.
When I feel like that, I eat. Which I shouldn't do.
When is this going to be over?
I need to somehow make me feel better. I am just so gloomy at the moment.
I just needed to vent and to feel I am coresponding with another human being. Just to feel less lonely.
If you read this, thank you. I just needed human presence.
My heart goes out to everyone who has ocd and who feels lonely.
