Harm OCD, Living Hell

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. All day every day. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Sometimes I get these waves of this feeling that it would be no big deal or I wouldn’t care. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

Hello, I think it’s fairly obvious at the moment I am struggling with terrible harm related intrusive thoughts / harm ocd. I feel so distressed and anxious about these horrendous thoughts its to the point I’m crying out of panic or avoiding anything that may cause harm, but the thing is i have this horrible like “intrusive feeling” throughout my body that feels really strong despite my distress to the thoughts I just have this feeling of what if i snap throughout my body. I also feel whats severely effecting me is that if i did it like “What if I actually did it” “No but what if i did” “Anyone is capable of it” and then the feeling gets worse and stronger and it makes me even more anxious. I know it is Harm OCD but i feel so distressed so anxious even to the point im waking up in the middle of the night with horrid thoughts that distress me and i find it hard to sleep due to the feeling / thoughts. If anyone can relate to this I really hope you can reply, offering advice or sharing your experience because the worst part of Ocd is feeling abnormal and alone and this is what I am feeling and its hurting me so badly. I feel low , exhausted. 💕

Hi all. I posted on here last night but please bear with me as this is going to be long. I really need some advice. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had any history of severe mental health issues or violent tendencies. Minor harm ocd through out the years, and anxiety, but nothing severe. I’ve had my pup for many years at this point and never had any desire to harm her in any way - in fact, I’ve spent many nights crying into her fur at the thought that someday she won’t be with me anymore and valuing/cherishing her like my child. Then two months ago I got hit with a sore throat and triggered by a tv show on the same day. My minor harm OCD turned into severe violent images, thoughts, feelings, you name it - against my pup. When it started it was usually knives, and it always came with a feeling of “omg I would never do that!” anxiety and compulsions to make sure, etc. I started therapy, got psych evaluations, everything, all to be told it was in fact OCD. Then, it kept going and going and going - through ERP, through RP messages; nothing helped, and it came down to where we are now. I have constant, severely violent feelings and thoughts. Stuff I don’t even like to mention. I know they say don’t focus on the content, but…when the content is you cutting up your best friend or eating her, or any of the other horrific things my mind tells me to do…it’s hard not to. Constant, 24/7 “urges” or feelings staying with me that I would or want to do these things I find gross and had no desire to do. But now it makes me question that because it feels like something in me wants to. I’ll have a thought, get an “urge”, or hear a word or get triggered, and I get this sort of adrenaline drop/crushing/frozen feeling through my head and chest. It feels kind of like fear, but also at the same time like my brain is trying to fantasize about these things. Like it likes them. And I’m numb to her for the most part - I look at her and I get these weird things that she’s just body parts. That’s what I see. And why I’m getting so scared. I never cared that she had that and now it feels like I would just do something to her because of it. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like this strange aversion to her, like I can’t get close to her without seeing her insides. I get images of basically her guts. Or her heart, etc. It’s like I’m freaked out that she’s a living creature. And at the same time, the harm thoughts are so brutal that they make me cry, but I still feel like I’d do them. It also gives me weird sensations when I think about losing her like I’d want to? It’s like opposite feelings to everything I’ve ever wanted. I have no hope left that this will ever leave or I’ll get better or be able to keep my dog. The harm thoughts are SO much more violent than anything I’ve ever seen anyone describe. Is there any hope for me? Should I just give my pup to someone else? Is this typical harm ocd or am I a dangerous psycho?