Struggling with OCD thoughts and feelings of losing control.

Yesterday morning was such a great day I wasn’t having as many intrusive thoughts and for once I felt normal I legit almost wanted to cry and thanked god because for once it all fault clear and as the day progressed I was feeling awful and uncertain. Now I’m stressed that I don’t feel anything because of my intrusive thoughts but my body is still reacting (groinal response) I’m stressed out that I’ve probably convinced myself I’m an actual p***. I’m 100% convinced I’ll do something bad if left alone with a kid and I’m stressing out. How do I know I’m not a p*** in denial??? I know I don’t want to do these things but it feels like I do. Why don’t I feel anything anymore? Has the anxiety become so overwhelming that my emotions have completely shut down? I feel like a person who has no emotions which isn’t like me. This doesn’t feel real.

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

Is it normal to have moments where it feels so real? Like where it feels like you’re fantasizing and you’re enjoying it and you like all of this? But I know there’s nothing there. There’s no desire to be this person. I don’t want or like this. I feel like I’m voluntarily doing this and bringing it on. There’s people saying they want to throw up on here because of this and I feel like I’m not as worried. But I worry every day. I saw someone say people who actually are that person can be distressed but not disgusted and I’m worried that that’s me. But it is disgusting. It’s both disgusting and distressing but I’m worried that I’m not reacting how someone who’s really disgusted would. But at the same time I know it’s not real, it’s not me at all so I feel like I don’t react as much. I literally have no attraction to children. There’s no part of me that wants that I feel absolutely nothing for them in an inappropriate way. My only feelings are that I want them to be happy and enjoy childhood and never ever be hurt by evil people who are actually that. I can’t imagine harming ANYONE. But it’s really confusing how I know this and tell myself this but then I’ll have images pop up and thoughts that feel like I’m into it and thoughts that sound like I’m making sick jokes. It’s so hard to keep up with and I know I care I think I’m just so tired of it. I hope it’s just pocd. I hope I can get a therapist this year. I’m afraid to do anything with my life.