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i’ve just been feeling so off lately. i’m okay right now, but a couple hours ago i was in this mood where i felt anxiety creeping up. like i will feel like there’s danger when there isn’t. i just get this really uncomfortable feeling that something feels wrong even when it isn’t. and i’ve been feeling derealization/depersonalization. just really disconnected from myself and the world. i’ve also been unmotivated to where there are times when the thought of doing things upsets me. and i’ve been having existential thoughts that do not mesh well with harm ocd. i get the thought “if people aren’t real then it’s okay to hurt them”. it sucks because there are times where i just don’t even care to ruminate and find reassurance that that’s not the case. furthermore, i’ve just been really aware of my existence. i will get moments where i’m so aware of my existence and it freaks me out. like the fact that i’m a living human being is crazy to me. then there are times when i’m not even anxious about anything which then has me questioning and ruminating on that because i ALWAYS have something i’m worrying about. i’ve also been feeling really nostalgic and bittersweet of the good memories from the past. i keep thinking about good times i’ve had and really wishing i could relive it. for example, last summer was a pretty good summer even with my ocd. and i just wish i could relive some of those moments, but i obviously can’t. and it’s been upsetting me because this month has been shitty with my anxiety. as for an update with my room change to those of you curious, i still have anxiety over it and my mom is taking it as me being ungrateful with what i have when it’s my ocd making a huge deal of it. that upsets me especially since i’ve told her what’s been going on and she was really understanding of it. anyways, life has just been a bit much and i’ve been dealing with more to my anxiety that i don’t appreciate. while worrying about constantly throwing up with my contamination ocd is incredibly exhausting, it’s so normal to me that i’m used to it. but when my harm ocd kicks in along with other themes that aren’t usually common for me, i freak out and feel like i’m going insane. i genuinely wonder how people have dealt with taboo topics of ocd without treatment for years on end. i’ve had harm intrusive thoughts since i was little, but it didn’t get to any extreme until 2023. i feel like i’m drowning in it when it decides to hit me and the thought of having to deal with it for the rest of my life?? i’m scared something in me will flip and i’ll become what my thoughts are telling me i am. i apologize for the mixed thoughts that are all over the place but i feel safe posting on here about it and want to hear how y’all are doing

OCD can be so isolating. I’m in a health anxiety spiral and struggling at work. I feel like I am failing everywhere and feeling very alone. My support system is tired of hearing about my fears, health wise and work wise. I find myself crying a lot. I don’t particularly enjoy doing anything anymore. I feel like I just can’t get comfortable in my skin or my head sometimes. I’m not sure how to else to describe it. Like nothing soothes me or makes it better. Even sleep is bad dreams and waking up anxious all night. I’ve always felt different from everyone else but when I’m on meds I can fake it better and I feel more connected. I want to go back on SSRI’s but I’ve been dealing with health issues and the meds exacerbate them so am delaying for the time being

Afraid to tell people about when I'm down. I've been told that certain people don't want to hang out with me because if I encounter a trigger then my mood changes and makes everybody else be down too. To me, this means I have to hide what I'm feeling because they don't want to deal with it. I should be able to openly talk to these people without judgments and without worrying if they'll get tired of my condition. I grew up with one of the people who told me that and she used to be depressed. Never did I feel like I wanted to distance myself when she was feeling down so how could someone say that to me. I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to anymore. One of the other people who told me that is my mom and she has said before that I'm lucky that they are still with me because anyone else would have left a long time ago. I feel like I'll never find someone who wants to stay with me because they won't want to deal with my sadness and the depression that ocd brings me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't. My family and I were gonna go to the beach but I started feeling really sad all of the sudden. last night my brother looked down so at night I blew him a kiss and the my mom was like go give her a hug to him but hugging and physical touch makes me uncomfortable because of my ocd and she knows that and not only did it bother me that she kept insisting despite all the times I've told her jsut that but it bothered me most that she kept insisting with him right there. I don't want to make him feel bad or feel like I'm not hugging him bc it's him. and idk but I couldn't go to sleep until I explained that to him so I had sent him a text last night before either went to bed. and then I explained in person today earlier too and I told my mom over the phone since she was out all day about how it bothered me and that it bothers me as it is because I'm an affectionate person and the ocd takes that away from me constantly I don't need her to keep pushing me to do what makes me uncomfortable you know? but odk why I suddenly got a wave of sadness now but I didn't want to bring the mood down at the beach and I also kinda just needed to be alone and cry alone