If you look at one of my other posts, I reunited with an old friend. I don’t want to be super close to her but I still reach out so I know for sure we’re on good terms. She’s a slow responder and it drives me crazy because I keep thinking she still hates me and it was all a mistake. I get like this when people don’t respond very quickly often. I can’t stand not being liked and it drives me crazy, how do I cope with this?
Hey, I totally get this feeling and it sucks. But the best thing to do is to do nothing. Don't ask for reassurance, don't message her again, don't check if she has answered every five minutes. Regard these fears as background noise and go on with your day. Build resilience by resisting urges and at the same time getting comfortable with uncomfortable feelings. The less you give into OCD the less power it will have and you. Also it's important to have unconditional self acceptance which means that you try to accept who you are as a person no matter what and even if you friend dislikes you or has an issue it's not your issue. Shifting black and white attitudes towards yourself will change your people pleasing tendencies. For me it helped to rephrase expectations. Pinterest has some great affirmations for people pleasers. Write down something that speaks to you. For example for me it is "I can be my true self" "I don't have to please everyone" "I can make mistakes" etc and pin these affirmations somewhere where you can read them (even better if out loud) :)
@ROCDmensch thank you! this helps a lot
Can confirm, doing these things has helped me a lot. Sitting with the feeling of discomfort is important, and the affirmations do eventually start to make sense because you'll begin to tolerate those uncomfortable feelings for longer and longer and then eventually not even get them anymore because you trust in the people you choose to be real with you and you trust yourself to deal with a confluct when it arises, rather than trying to anticipate every possible "bad" thing.
@fruitbat42069 I keep driving myself crazy seeing her post and update her instagram without seeing or responding to my messages. She’ll still respond sometimes but it scares me because I don’t know what I did wrong this time. Or if I even did something wrong.
@lysbabyss You don't have to figure out whether you did something wrong or not. It's not your responsibility right now. Don't argue with OCD. Write down "stop! I won't argue with you about this anymore" say this out loud and then do an exercise to reset your brain. For example you could count backwards in a certain rhythm, say the alphabet backwards, also breathing is very important, breath in on 5 and out on 7 (or different numbers, it's important that the exhale is longer) --> this activates your parasympathic system. Right now your sympathetic system which is there for threats is activated and high. You need to balance it and get your parasympathicus working because that's for relaxation.
@lysbabyss I relate. I used to do things like that a lot. Its a compulsion and doing the compulsion ALWAYS makes you more anxious, as opposed to if you were to sit with the discomfort of not knowing and take steps towards self-affirmation
I started talking to this girl a few weeks ago. At first, everything seemed great, she asked questions, planned a date, even rescheduled when she couldn’t make the first one. Then, out of nowhere, she ghosted me for about eight days. When she came back, she apologized and said she’d been going through a tough time and was scared of going back in the dating world but really liked me and didn’t want me to think I did anything wrong. We started texting again, and it felt like we were back on track. But over the past few days, she’s been inconsistent with long gaps between responses. So last night I basically asked her if she was actually interested in talking or not, to which there wasn’t a quick response so I followed up calling myself dramatic and apologizing. When I woke up there still wasn’t a response and I went into an OCD episode where I thought I had messed everything up and felt the need to overly explain myself with a few more texts even mentioning the OCD because I know how double, triple or however many texts come off. My OCD spiraled, and I ended up sending multiple texts trying to explain myself and apologize, which I now regret. I didn’t say anything mean, the gist was trying to explain myself and apologizing. She hasn’t responded to those messages yet, and I’ve managed to calm my nerves a bit but has anybody had their OCD act up in similar ways? I feel really bad for sending multiple texts but in an OCD episode it felt like I had to in order to calm myself; which I know is irrational. Has anyone been through something similar or have strategies for handling this kind of relationship anxiety and overthinking?
Okay I might sound crazy and I need alittle advice. Recently I took off work for a month to go visit Europe. I left being on very good terms with my work friends. They all said they loved me and they’ll miss me etc. They also usually text. Last time I left on a long vacation they would occasionally reach out to me, like my stories, etc. This time around, everything was normal for the first week. They liked my stories and we texted briefly. Now…. A week or so later, it’s dead silent on their end. They haven’t texted. They view my stories but they don’t like them. (I’m not saying they have to but it’s normal for them to do that). I can’t help but think something has been said about me that’s negative. Or they’re mad at me for maybe the one time I talked about them years ago in a slightly negative way because I was venting. (But doesn’t everyone do that at some point?) And I know it’s not nice to hear that a friend said something about you when it comes through a rumor. But that’s all I could think of. Maybe there is a lie being said or misconstrued. Or maybe I’m not that important for them like I thought I was. Or maybe it isn’t that deep? I sound legit insane right now because I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal but every day I’m waking with anxiety. I feel so down and blue and any time I post I’m anxiously waiting to see if they saw and liked my story. If they didn’t like it but saw it, it just confirms my fear that they’re upset with me. Which devastates me because they’re close friends and they are my community back home. I work full time so I see them daily and we would always hang out. Now I feel like they all are over me and like I did something wrong but I just don’t know what and I’m so sad and anxious and I feel so dumb for even feeling this way because I can identify that I’m having a spiral but I have no idea how to stop it. I’m trying. I won’t reach out and ask them because that would just make my ocd worse. So I’m posting here. Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas on how to help me overcome this with out seeking validation from them? What are your overall thoughts and what techniques or exercises would you recommend for me so that I can stop letting this consume me? Thank you in advance if you are still reading.
I very much believe I have an anxious attachment style and it’s very closely linked with my BPD and OCD. In the past year, I became very close with an old friend. It was great. She’s a very reassuring person, she understands how im a very anxious individual, especially when it comes to someone being annoyed with me. I’ve never had a best friend before, and at last I thought this is it! We contacted everyday, all day. Saw eachother every week (despite living in different cities) it was amazing. I was genuinely happy. These past 4 month have been earth shattering for me- my grandma passed away in my arms, 2 days after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, a month later his body was rejecting treatment, a month after that my grandfather passed away in my arms. Safe to say, a lot has happened. My friend was there the entire time… until She started a new relationship about a month ago. It’s new, it’s exciting. She’s infatuated with him. I told her how happy I am for her. She deserves a good guy. Since then, I’ll maybe receive one or two messages a day (if I’m lucky). They don’t seem like her usual messages. I brought it up that like- hey I’m really happy for you. I haven’t heard much from you are you ok. She validated my feelings and said she’ll try and be better. However it continued to happen, in times that I felt I really needed her (crying about the recent events of my life). Again, I gently brought up the issue again. Where she said again, she’ll try and do better. This has continued to happen, if not worsen. I constantly bounced back and forth from being irritated/disheartened to feeling like ‘what if it’s me? What if I’m the reason she’s not answering? She’s leaving me’ I met up with her for the first time in months a little while back and she seemed her usual self, so this is where I realised, it’s hurting me much more than it’s affecting her. Is there any way that I can healthily soothe myself, I don’t want it to be in a form of anger (which I am finding it to be recently). I’d like to be able to not constantly worry why she’s not responding. I have enough on my plate.
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