worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

I feel like such a monster. I wish I could get over this obsession but it seems to always be at the back of my mind. I know sexual experimentation is normal as a child, but what I did, I think goes beyond that. I was 10, and I put my little sister’s hand on my breast while she was sleeping. For my own sexual gain or curiosity, I don’t even know at this point. I don’t think I can ever let myself live this down. I’m so disgusting and terrible and I wish I could erase what I’ve done, I really do.

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 5y

Kids do a bunch of weird things when they are learning. Be gentle with yourself.

garden

Date posted: 5y

^^ !!

emma589

Date posted: 5y

Everyone has made unfortunate choices. Most people can understand that, repent if they are religious, and move on. You have OCD, so the current problem is not what you did, but how you think about it. Its important at this stage to identify- what does my OCD want me to do? And then to not do it. http://www.ocdspecialists.com/real-event-ocd/ This article can help. Try to refrain from googling for similar experiences, or from wallowing in the guilt, or from playing over the event. A good mini-script would be "I notice I'm remembering the time I put my sister's hand on my breast. Maybe that says something about who I am today. Maybe it doesn't. I am choosing to be uncertain and to focus on the task at hand"

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

But what if it isn’t about me? If it involves another person don’t I have the obligation to tell them what I did? I already brought up once how we might have sexually experimented as kids and she thought it was weird and told me to forget about it but I didn’t tell her about the sleeping thing. So do I tell her or not?

emma589

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Don't tell her that. You don't have an obligation, and your OCD is trying to make you think you do, so it can have a stronger hold on your life. She already felt uncomfortable the first time you tried to bring it up. Please don't involve her in your OCD by creating the same situation again.

emma589

Date posted: 5y

I used to have a similar theme. While it might feel like you have to tell her to be a moral person, this is a sneaky compulsion and you must avoid it. I made a deal with myself that I would never talk to my husband about details of my OCD themes for this reason. It becomes compulsive so easily.

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

Thank you, I’ll try my best not to bring it up to her. I just feel very torn because there was no consent involved in what I did, and no consent = rape/molestation :(

emma589

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Even if there was consent, you would still be worried- because you have OCD. The thing you did has come and gone. The choice now is how you handle it :)

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@emma589 Maybe but the fact that I didn’t makes me a bad person :(

emma589

Date posted: 5y

@worryqueen Did you read the linked article?

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

@emma589 Just finished it. It helped a lot, thank you. I’ll talk to my therapist about my state of mind on Thursday for additional help. Thanks again!

lotsofthemes...

Date posted: 5y

You were ten years old. I know it probably feels like you're a monster, but OCD has a way of blowing things out of proportion. When kids are discovering their bodies they tend to get up to a lot of weird, taboo shit. When I was seven I masturbated in front of family members, without knowing what I was doing or why it was wrong. Children just don't have the mental capacity to understand those things yet, because they don't have experience. Maybe think of it this way: if you saw a young child doing that, as a parent, you would scold them, but it wouldn't make you think they were a terrible person for the rest of their lives. You would realize they were just a kid and forget about it sooner or later. I find that a good method is to ask, how would I feel if I were on the outside looking in as an objective third party?

worryqueen

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for that perspective. I tried imagining what I’d do if my friend told me she did something like that and kind of realizied that we’d probably just laugh about it. I’m still worried over what my sister thinks and if I hurt her somehow and I think I always will think that. Feeling a bit better now, though.

Anony1314

Date posted: 25w

On the struggle bus

Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?

POCD

danielllll

Date posted: 23w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Anonymous

Date posted: 23w

I GUESS ITS OVER FOR ME

Hey i dont even know if i belong here or not because i dont think so i have ocd i am just making an excuse for the past crimes i have committed i am 18 now and about to be 19 so just wanted to share something i know for sure i have done this crime when i was 13 or 14 because why would i think and feel guilty over an act i have never committed for 5 years so yeah i came to know about this thing OCD and now i am putting my crimes to it and false memory that kinda stuff but in my mind its always like that "you have done those acts i have proof" after asking my sister 3 times that do you even remember a glimpse of my inapproriate behaviour towards you but no she has answered "nope if i did i would tell you i never felt uncomfortable around you " well how may she remember when she was sleeping when i did those acts and yeah she was 12 too so she must be a deep sleeper well my mind have too much proof that i am a sexual abuser i dont know why i am still typing but just wanted to know do i deserve to live anymore because according to me i am done i cant tolerate these disgusting thoughts about my sister and i may be a threat to her and i dont deserve to live in this family i love them so much but i cant do it anymore i am such a monster they deserve so much better

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