Anyone who struggle with porn and masturbation? Can we talk, I need help :(

Does anyone check Same sex pornography for arousal? I feel alone and scared I can’t do this anymore

Im in a tough spot. I have pocd and ive had hocd i havent been diagnosed by anyone but im positive im right. Im also not trying to type this out for reassurance but i dont know if this is,on top of that i had a disgusting addiction to transgender pornography. It didnt feel good after i watched it but i couldnt stop, i always told myself this is it no more but would always do it again. After This i questioned my sexuality i knew i wasnt attracted to the same sex but why was i watching this then. I really felt the affects of this january this year when one night my mind just kept repeating to me you are a pedophile, this really destroyed me i couldnt sleep and at times almost threw up because of this fear of becoming one. I started remembering moments in my life when i would watch hentai and looking back on it now i could consider it cp even though many people wouldnt to me it still feels like it. I know im not attracted to any of this stuff but i feel so broken and disconnected, i dont feel like i can tell anyone but i feel like i should i just dont know how. Sometimes i get urges to watch transgender porn again to prove that im not a pedo but i dont think any porn is good for anyone. Recently i became a christian and i keep praying that these thoughts will go away, going to church really helped me and theres a girl that i have a crush on there but now that im in isolation and my church isnt on things are really tough. I hope i can get through this time and come out stronger and mentaly better. I hope this is ocd. I am currently doing nofap which i feel is really helping me and im on a very long streak. However i really dont want to watch transgender porn again but i keep feeling like if i do the thoughts will go away. I know i must not give up and fight through these thoughts to become the best possible me. Im sorry about this jumbled up mess but i needed to get this out there to someone.

FOR ALL WITH SEXUAL OBSESSIONS: I’ve noticed that most of the people on here struggle with intrusive sexual thoughts that cause a lot of distress, in fact, more than I ever expected to see. I myself have a lot of experience in this area, as I’ve been a sex addict for almost 15 years (I’m 25 now). I’ve actually never had sex; I’m addicted to masturbation. I’m writing this post to get my experience out there and maybe provide some perspective for those who can relate. Now, the difference with me is that my sexual behavior is NOT actually caused by OCD. I am actually a chronic sex addict with a paraphilic disorder. My sexual fantasies are centered around control and domination of people I find attractive. I don’t fantasize about hurting anyone, but I still don’t like the fantasy because we as humans are not meant to be dominated. We were created as equals. Anyway, I’ve noticed that some of you think you have a sex/porn addiction because of obsessive sexual thoughts, even if you don’t act out on them. So I’m going to write down some of the major components of addiction that make my behaviors addictive as opposed to simply being caused by OCD or another disorder. If you are questioning whether or not you are a sex/porn addict, ask yourself the following questions: 1.) Do the fantasies prompt me to act out sexually (e.g. masturbate, call a hooker or prostitute, etc.) and do I gain pleasure/gratification from acting out? 2.) Do I feel intense shame and guilt after I act out, which prompts even more acting out to escape those negative emotions? 3.) In general, do I sexually act out to escape from reality and/or any negative emotions and distress I’m feeling? 4.) Do I continue to act out even though I and the people around me don’t want me to act out? Have I tried stopping before on multiple occasions without any success? 5.) Do I continue to act out in spite of SEVERE negative consequences? Examples of such consequences might be legal consequences, dropping out of school, losing a job, or destroying interpersonal relationships. For example, I have dropped out of grad school twice and got fired from my part time job due to inappropriate behavior and yet I’m still continuing to sexually act out. That’s how I know I’m a full blown addict and not just someone who struggles with sexual thoughts due to OCD. 6.) Did I experience any sort of trauma(s) as a child that could have shaped my present-day sexual behavior? Having experienced trauma as a child is a huge component for addiction. For example, I had a very rigid and overbearing stepmom for most of my childhood, which probably influenced my present day sexual fantasy about domination and control. If you can’t relate to at least 2 or 3 of these items, then you are probably NOT a sex/porn addict. I relate to ALL 6 of these criteria, personally. Now that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek help if you feel like your sexual behavior is out of control. Such thoughts/habits can always morph into addiction. So if you catch it early, do something about it then instead of later! I only wrote this post because I’m perceiving that a lot of people on here are very quick to label themselves as an addict, when really this type of addiction is very different than what someone with OCD sexual thoughts experiences. Like, OCD sexual thoughts usually cause distress ONLY. My sexual fantasies also bring me pleasure at the same time. That’s the main difference. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have anymore questions or want to talk.