18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

I had the same thing happen and got through it. We are married with a baby now and I feel deserving of his love. It really is in the past. You aren’t that person anymore and it’s your ocd that’s making you feel this way.

Please STOP confessing to your girlfriend right now. (1) it is a compulsion, (2) you’re making her part of your compulsions, and (3) it is cruel. You need to separate her from managing your ocd and get treatment. Seeing an ocd specialist would be the best option, but you can also join an ocd support group, sign up for an ocd online course, or buy an ocd workbook. Whatever you choose: do it on your own and stop sharing your intrusive thoughts with your partner. It is incredibly unhealthy for both you and your relationship. You did not develop ocd because of guilt. You have a lot of guilt because you have ocd. Spending all day every day trying to “forgive” yourself is likely a compulsion. And my guess is that with your current strategy it will never happen. You need to get real treatment for ocd and learn to handle the discomfort these memories cause without performing compulsions to confess, erase, or make up for your intrusive thoughts. If you treat your ocd, your relationship can greatly improve. But it’s on you to do it!

I went through a similar thing last year. I was watching porn behind my girlfriend’s back and finally came clean and quit porn. The guilt and shame stayed for a very long time. I found myself confessing over and over, feeling the need to tell her ALL the details to “make sure” she knew who she was staying in a relationship with. After a while, it became hurtful to our relationship because (1) your partner doesn’t really need to know all the details (2) it’s a compulsion to keep confessing becuase you are just seeking this feeling of being “good enough” for the relationship (3) your partner is NOT your therapist. For me, I believe it is actually more loving to our partners if we do not treat them as our therapists. They can be there for you and support you in what you are going through, but they do not have to know every little detail. It puts an unnecessary strain on the relationship. One thing I found helpful when talking to my partner is that I would talk about “process” and not “content”. Instead of going into all the details and seeking an answe to my heavy questions, it is more helpful to say “hey, I’m feeling anxious right now and I am in my head a lot. I don’t need you to fix it, but I just want to let you know this is what I am going through.” That way, you are still being open and communicating, without seeking reassurance that your feelings are true or false.

Do you think you cheated or not?