18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

People can change right?? I did terrible things..even last year. Probably even this year. Which would make me my fears. But I regret them so much,I generally just want to move on and be a better person, but I feel I don't deserve to..this isn't ocd making a little bad thing bad, these things were terrible. And I know it,, everybody would know it. I just want to love myself for who I am today, not my past. I chang everyday but I generally feel so much guilt and disgust. The ocd with intrusive thoughts that I wanna do it all again. Makes me feel I still am my fears...I hate it so much. This wasn't 1 mistake or 2..or even 3. It was so so so many disgusting, horrible,shameful mistakes. I did for years and years. And I mean 11+ years.

i can’t move on. the guilt and shame over my actions but also struggling to remember and 100% know what happened because I was very drunk is crippling. i hate this feeling. i quit drinking because nothing is worth losing her. i feel I done something awful like semi cheat or cheat and i feel the urge to confess. i even told to my partner about the situation and she forgave me and let me with so much grace and yet i still feel like there is more to confess even tho if she’s moved on why haven’t i when im the one who was a horrible person. like i ruminate and kick analyze and essentially find/create another detail that i dont even know if its relevant or real. my partner is the love of my life and i never want to hurt her and we plan on getting married so why does my brain try and convince me i want other people when all i want is her and our life together. then if i get too drunk it’s like my subconscious comes out and tries to sabotage my life and go against all of my values and trys to get me to act on intrusive thoughts? i can’t even put it into works im so confused and feel so lonely and shameful and at rock bottom. everyone is always telling me how good of a person i am and how incredibly lucky they are to know me and i feel like a fraud and a horrible person because of my mistakes. how do i move on and recover. and then everything becomes and obsession and my comparisons worded and it’s a downward spiral. anyone else shave similar experiences or helpful tips and ways to move forward without guilt. i just want peace and love.

This is the first time I’m posting here but I really need to. Basically, I have known this boy for about 4/5 years now. We usually just talked on snap as we were too shy to meet irl. We were just friends. He did have feelings for me for a long time it I didn’t until recently. I did him really bad as 2 years back, when I got into a relationship. I blocked him out of no where. I know it’s really bad and a messed up thing to do but I was dumb. I hurt him a lot. A year or so later I realised my mistake and reached out to him again with an apology (me and my ex broke up by this time). I helped him get a job with me. So we started working together as well. During this time once again I didn’t have feelings for him. But sometimes he would flirt and stuff. I’m kind of a bitch. A few years ago, and even a few months ago I’ve said a few bad things about him behind his back to other people. Like bad things. Just to give you guys an understanding I’m 18 atm. Old enough to know what’s right and wrong but I still messed up quite a bit Recently, we have started working a lot more and meeting in real life unlike before. And I have caught feelings in the past few weeks. We both confessed. Aren’t official yet as I’m worried about my parents finding out (I’m not allowed to date). I feel really guilty tho. Whenever I talk to him, I remember the past and the things I’ve said about him and just want to confess. I’ve confessed a lot of things already and he’s told me that the past doesn’t matter. But I still feel the need to confess. I know for a fact that my feelings have changed a lot towards him. I feel like I took him for granted in the past and his attention for granted but I really really like him now. I’m started to love him. But these feelings of guilt keep coming in my way. Please help me.