18+ I was such a horrible boyfriend. I was friendly and flirty with other girls and I would always justify it by saying that I wasn’t cheating (which I never did). I also got super drunk during a family vacation and I don’t remember anything but I fear i may have kissed someone, even though my family has to me that I didn’t because they were with me 99% of the time. I realize however that it doesn’t take a physical act to hurt your partner. Flirting is just as bad. I don’t know why I was that way. I was always an attention seeking idiot. My guilty conscience led me to develop OCD. Now all I do is obsess over every day of my life trying to figure out if I did anything wrong so I can confess it to my partner. I wonder if I’ll ever be enough for her again. I feel so unworthy of her love. She is hurting so much and I can’t believe I caused her that pain. She tells me to let it go but I feel like she deserves to know who I was. She says she forgives me because I am no longer that person but I can fucking forgive myself. I’ve tried meditating and doing affirmations but it’s been months and I feel like I am tainted forever. I led her to believe that I was someone that I wasn’t. I told her I only had eyes for her but I still found other girls attractive and watched porn behind her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t eat or sleep or do anything but be in my bed crying. I love her so much and I can’t believe I was such a piece of shit. I want to move forward but I don’t know how to. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I can’t believe I am just now realizing all this. I wonder if it’s too late. I’ve been an atheist for years and I’m even praying out of desperation. I hate myself

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

When I was single, I watched a lot of porn, specifically lesbian porn even though I’m straight. When I got into my current relationship I dwindled down and eventually stopped watching porn of any kind, around six or so months ago. I had a flare up recently that has caused me to question every part of myself including my sexuality and my identity, my relationship, and other things that are important and valued to me, and porn keeps popping up in all of these things. I feel like my porn usage was me cheating on my boyfriend, especially in the early parts of our relationship. I broke down to him last month about it and he said it was okay, that he forgives me, but I’m still hung up on it because I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve wronged him and that I’m a terrible person and that I need to leave him because of this. This is so excruciatingly painful. I don’t want to keep confessing over and over and over again, but I don’t want to be a dirty lying cheater, which I feel like I am.

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.