I need to vent. I am really trying my hardest to not give in to my compulsions but it’s very hard. I was doing good just a few days ago. Now I’m back to square one. I’m not feeling well, I feel emotionally and mentally sick. My distress is so real. For these past few months I haven’t even been sleeping correctly. I go to bed at like 2/3 am. 😭 and That’s not like me. It’s just so crazy how this has affected my life. No I’m currently not in therapy, but if I’m being honest, with the current climate we are in, I’m not interested in phone therapy. I need to be in a nice calm room, talking to someone face to face. The environment is very important to me. And as far as meds, I can’t get them without being prescribed them first. the fact that’s it practically December and I literally saw myself struggle with this the entire year & no improvement to my life makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t wish this mental disorder on my worst enemy.

I feel like my compulsions are taking over my life. Every freaking night i spend so much of my time doing and redoing all my actions from walking up the stairs to crossing a certain part of my room to getting it o to bed. i close my bedroom door like 9 times until it “feels right” and have to sing songs and focus on bones in my body just so that i don’t have a negative thought so that i don’t have to do it again. I’m so over it. i feel like i waste so much time stressing myself out about my thoughts and not having the thoughts so i do things to combat and distract from the thoughts and i just feel freaking insane. yes my medication is helping and makes be wayyyy better than i was three years ago but it still feel like it’s taking over my life. i cant stand it and i feel like the more i do it the more i’m getting g comfortable with other people seeing me do it which just means i’ll do it more. i just can’t !!! so many thoughts and so many actions and it’s all based on people i love so i feel guilty if i dont do the compulsion. And even when i realize that this is all ridiculous and that’s it’s apart of my OCD, i just get sad because i’m still going through with the compulsions and start thinking about how this is my life and how i’m stuck doing this stuff forever!!

I finally got a virtual appointment with a psychiatrist and spent an hour on an appointment for her to tell me that she won’t give me meds to try which would be my first time trying meds to help with my OCD. It was a big step for me and she told me I would need to drive into a doctors office everyday to get meds. I also have a gut disease and Cant do that plus it’s just kind of nuts to expect someone to not have a job life or be able to put there life on hold like that. And my OCD is so bad it’s like all I am doing is compulsions. I feel so depressed. I sleep slot or not much there is no happy medium. I wish I Dont wake up every time I do and trying to fall asleep is a nightmare. Full of compulsions and just one more thing I need to do before I can just go to sleep. I Dont know what to do. This is also my first post here.

I miss my life before ocd. When I would never wake up in a cycle of overthinking and worry and the moment I open my eyes till the moment I sleep, it’s non stop intrusive and unwanted thoughts. It scares me, I don’t want to live my life like this forever. I cry so much, as I’m sure most of you would relate. My heart just feels heavy, that’s the best description I can give, I feel like I’m just existing not actually LIVING. (Not an existential theme) I feel like I just bring everyone down around me, my mental illness has an affect on those around me and though I can’t help I am mentally ill, it takes a toll on me when I KNOW I’m hurting others when they see me so sad all the time, including my daughter… I’ve been dealing with this for somewhere between 1-2 years, which doesn’t seem like a long time but when your life is this constant never ending doubt every single day sometimes all day long, it feels like forever… I just want to be HAPPY. Is that too much to ask for? To just feel genuine happiness and not have these obsessive ego dystonic thoughts 24/7, or at all… I try and keep my head above water and just keep swimming, I wish I could see an ocd therapist but im sorry even with NOCD, it’s TOO EXPENSIVE. I live in Australia so don’t have access to Medicare through NOCD therapy… what options do I have. I’m at a low point, trying to function every day and distract myself from my head by cleaning, looking after my daughter and dog, doing little activities to occupy my time. But there’s only so much distracting you can do I guess.