- Date posted
- 4y ago
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Have you been working on eliminating your compulsions? Are you still taking notes? Instead of trying to figure out what happened, maybe focus your attention on stopping your compulsions.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Actually no. Even today I took a lot of notes because I got triggered. :(
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I took notes gor years to feel safe. I now know the issue here is reassurance.......now I fee,l that to almost welcome the uncertainty and learn to live with it without resssurance, is the way to get my old life back. We all live with uncertainty in so many ways, that we really need to get back to that attitude, of living with uncertainty to become strong again.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I’m so sorry! That sounds so stressful! It sounds like your OCD really cares about your relationship with your boyfriend. Your brain is really afraid you’re going to accidentally hurt him. I think that shows you are a really kind person. The mechanism of checking yourself and your own actions is going too far, now, and it’s hurting more than helping. I always try to ask my OCD tough questions. “If that was true, what would be the worst that could happen?” At first I want to run from the worst case scenario, but I usually find that if the worst DID happen, I would know what to do to handle it. If you were really losing memory, there are a lot of things you could do. I hope this helped even a little bit. I know that OCD tells lies to make sure you don’t let the “bad thing” ever ever happen, and I know that you are a good loving person who would never do anything to hurt your relationship.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
thank you so much for your kind words!! What do you mean with „[…] if the worst DID happen, I would know what to do to handle it. If you were really losing memory, there are a lot of things you could do.“?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju Sorry I think my other comment got deleted- I just mean that even if the Bad Thing (having memory problems) was true, you have the resources in your life to keep yourself safe. Even if you can’t remember every day of your life, you can trust that you wouldn’t act out against your own character and core beliefs.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@booba Thank you!! I literally realized that some days ago after I had another therapy session. I felt so free and the false memories were gone at this time. I was doing so good. Started to trust in my true character and love towards my boyfriend and then we played Trivial Pursuit, I took a photo of the playboard and saw this note from december in my gallery and now I‘m sitting here more anxious than ever!
- Date posted
- 4y ago
The reason I ask about the notes is that you said you take them to get rid of the anxiety. If you’re doing something to get rid of the anxiety it’s a compulsion. Compulsions feed OCD. You want to starve OCD and not do compulsions.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Yes I know. I‘m actually currently working on ending the compulsions, but it‘s very hard. I know that they are the problem. Now with this note I finally realize it.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
It is very hard! I’m working on eliminating compulsions too. I’ve had a few successes today, but I’m still working on this. I have so many compulsions to eliminate! It’s great that you recognize it! Since you’re so used to doing the note taking, maybe you can start by trying to limit the number of notes you take?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I‘m sorry that you‘re also struggling with this! :( and I should definitely start trying to limit the amount of compulsions (notes). What bothers me the most right now is this one note now. OCD took over my logic and for OCD this note is concrete proof that I cheated and it feels like the end for me at the moment. My anxiety is at a peak. Never felt this devastated during my OCD days. I‘m at rock bottom :(
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju The way that you wrote the note looks like you were doing an exercise in writing out thoughts - “OCD is telling me that...” My therapist told me to write something similar to distance myself from the thought.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Sabrina I have about 20 of those notes on my phone and the intention was always to relieve my anxiety because of an intrusive thought I had in those moments. What bothers me now, is the formulation of this particular note. I wrote „Obsessive thought that this guy was here, but we did nothing.“ Usually I would‘ve written „Obsessive thought that this guy was here. But I know that no one is really here.“ My OCD is focussing on „we did nothing“ like I admitted that he still was with me. OCD is so convincing and I hate it! :‘(
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju There’s no way you had him there. You love your boyfriend so much you’re worried you could accidentally hurt him without remembering it. I bet the note you wrote was about this same kind of thought. I bet back then you were worrying about a similar, if not the exact same scenario. Even if you had the guy over, you would remember it, because OCD would not let you get away with the guilt.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@booba Actually I know that but OCD doesn‘t want me to know :““(
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju I’m so sorry 🥺 your ocd is really messing with you! Since OCD isn’t going to accept the facts right now, maybe you could redirect your attention? If it feels comfortable, you could explain this intrusive thought to somebody you trust, and then engage in a fun and relaxing activity. I always try to watch something stimulating while I draw or clean, so my thoughts can’t get hijacked by my ocd. I’m sorry you’re struggling tonight, try to be gentle with yourself. ❤️
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@booba thank you!! Really appreciate that! I would like to explain it to my boyfriend who is sitting next to me right now, but my therapist advised me against making him engaged to my OCD and OCD thoughts.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju Hmm she’s right if you start needing him to reassure you, that becomes a compulsion. It might be okay to share with him if you frame it as factual, without any expectation of action from him or any need for his reassurance. Something like, “My OCD is lying to me and trying to make me doubt my own memories even thought I know the truth. I can’t stop thinking about it right now, so I’m going to try to distract myself for a minute.” When the intrusive thought feels less real, and you feel more solid in your truth, then you can maybe discuss what actually happened in more detail. There’s nothing wrong with letting your partner in on your healing.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@booba you‘re advices are so helpful. That sounds like a good solution :)
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju Awww 🥺 that makes me so happy! I’m glad I could help! You seem like such a sweet person! I know you can do it ❤️❤️
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@booba thank you! ☺️
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y ago
My way is to, lean into the anxiety. Let it scare you, till it almost bores you through repetition.......you cant fear things that kind of bore you and it doesnt mean you are an unkind person, you still wont like the thoughts but the key here....is that they stop scaring you and the anxiety fades, which is what drives the illness.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
A thought which made me anxious in the past never bored me. I can obsessively think about a thought for months and instead of getting better, It‘s getting worse. :/ but I‘m glad it works for you
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju I mean viewing the fear, not trying to figure them out and by not reassuring, really trying to let the anxiety scare you without trying to fight it or disprove it, thats when eventually it starts to lose its sting and eventually it becomes insignificant and you see it for what it really is, just irrational fear
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jaxiju Obsessively thinking about a thought will of course keep it going endlessly, but viewing it and taking the anxiety without reassuring is a very differant way to fight it and with time will break it down.....that is what I mean.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Taking notes is something I’ve done too. I now realise that it’s just reassurance and a compulsion. The idea was to have reassurance to fall back on in case I should start worrying about that particular fear again. They have now become a problem in themselves. Ocd tries to scare me with thoughts of what if I die and other people get to read them! I want to get rid of them but am scared to and terrified I’ll regret it. Ocd has in effect latched onto the very reassurance the notes were initially intended to provide.l 🤷♀️🙄
- Date posted
- 4y ago
thanks for sharing! I‘m sorry that you‘re also going through this 😓
Related posts
- Date posted
- 16w ago
1. Thoughts about Not Loving My Boyfriend: • “What if I don’t love him?” • “I feel like I’ve lost my feelings for him.” • “I don’t feel love the way I used to.” 2. Fear of Changing or Being Different: • “What if I’ve changed and this is the real me now?” • “What if I’ve grown out of the relationship?” 3. Doubt About Attraction: • “I’m not attracted to him anymore.” • “I feel numb when I look at him.” 4. Thoughts of Disconnection and Irritation: • “I feel irritated when he shows affection.” • “I feel bored or disconnected when we talk.” • “Why do I feel like I can’t stand him sometimes?” 5. Fear of Denial: • “What if I’m in denial and I’m just pretending to love him?” • “What if all these thoughts are true?” 6. Fear of Being a Bad Person: • “I’m a terrible person for feeling this way.” • “I’m ruining my relationship and hurting him.” 7. General Anxiety About the Future: • “What if I’ll fall for someone else in the future?” • “What if I’ll never feel love again?” 8. Intrusive Thoughts from the Past: • “I had violent thoughts about my dad.” • “I worried I was a pedophile after seeing a video.” Feelings Associated with These Thoughts: 1. Numbness and Emotional Disconnection: • Feeling emotionally flat or unable to access love or joy. 2. Guilt and Shame: • Feeling like a bad person or partner. 3. Hopelessness and Despair: • Feeling like things will never get better. • Believing i am stuck this way forever. 4. Irritation and Frustration: • Getting annoyed when my boyfriend shows affection. 5. Fear and Panic: • Experiencing overwhelming anxiety when questioning my feelings. 6. Sadness and Confusion: • Crying frequently, feeling lost, or not understanding why i feel this way. Compulsions I Engage In: 1. Reassurance Seeking: • Constantly asking others if everything is okay or if your feelings are normal. 2. Researching and Googling: • Searching for answers about ROCD, anxiety, and relationships online. • Checking forums like the NOCD app for reassurance. 3. Mental Checking and Analysis: • Constantly checking if i feel love, attraction, or connection. • Analyzing every interaction and emotion to see if they’re “right.” 4. Confessing: • Telling your boyfriend or others about your thoughts to relieve guilt or doubt. 5. Avoidance: • Pulling back from conversations or interactions with my boyfriend due to anxiety. 6. Comparing: • Comparing your current feelings to how you used to feel at the beginning of the relationship. 7. Self-Criticism: • Judging yourself harshly and believing i am a terrible person. FEELING SO REAL I’m struggling with ROCD and it’s consuming me. My intrusive thoughts make me feel like I don’t love my boyfriend, that I’ve changed, or that I’m a terrible person. These thoughts make me feel numb, disconnected, and hopeless. My compulsions include constant reassurance-seeking, analyzing my feelings, researching online, and confessing my fears. It’s exhausting, and I’m desperate to feel like myself again. Does anyone relate to this? How do you cope?
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 10w ago
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 10w ago
My last and almost life long theme/sub-theme largely subsided recently and my ocd felt like it wasn’t even an issue. Then I went on winter break from uni and being alone made my mind come up with a whole new topic to obsess over. TLDR on my fears, my advisor wouldn’t email me back for a while about signing up for classes so my mind started to worry “what if he doesn’t in time and you can’t enroll this semester and you lose this whole life you just built and all these new friends” So when that issue was resolved my mind found other scarier ways I could be uprooted from my current life and friends that I’ve grown so attached to. Then my mind remembered back when I was struggling with false memories and scrupulosity and I essentially made a post on a forum 2 and a half years ago saying I did something or was convinced I did something that I never actually did. Now I’ve been spiraling about someone finding it reporting me and I either get seen as a horrible person or arrested or something over something I never actually did but “admitted” to out of fear of going to hell. My mind won’t let it go and keeps finding new reasons for it to be “valid” “logical” or even inevitable. I feel like it’s just hanging over my head and I can never rest easy. Especially when I try to focus on my daily tasks or plan for the future I get this horrible flair up of “why plan for the future when this could come back in that future and you get uprooted from all of it” my mind won’t rest without certainty being uprooted won’t happen but certainty doesn’t exist, at least not with ocd. This sucks and I miss being care free.
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