this will sound very confusing… One of my compulsions to relieve my anxiety is to take notes what I did today (suffering from compulsive checking OCD / false memory cheating OCD). Now I found a note from 12/29/20 where I wrote „OCD is telling me that a guy (I‘ve dated last year) is here but we did nothing.“ Now I‘m anxious and irritated by my note and OCD sees that as proof that I invited this guy. It sounds like I admitted it. Now OCD wants me to confess it to my boyfriend. I‘m at rock bottom right now 🥺 I was feeling so great since my last therapy session and each false memory of the last months disappeared.

Actually no. Even today I took a lot of notes because I got triggered. :(

thank you so much for your kind words!! What do you mean with „[…] if the worst DID happen, I would know what to do to handle it. If you were really losing memory, there are a lot of things you could do.“?

@Jaxiju Sorry I think my other comment got deleted- I just mean that even if the Bad Thing (having memory problems) was true, you have the resources in your life to keep yourself safe. Even if you can’t remember every day of your life, you can trust that you wouldn’t act out against your own character and core beliefs.

@booba Thank you!! I literally realized that some days ago after I had another therapy session. I felt so free and the false memories were gone at this time. I was doing so good. Started to trust in my true character and love towards my boyfriend and then we played Trivial Pursuit, I took a photo of the playboard and saw this note from december in my gallery and now I‘m sitting here more anxious than ever!

Yes I know. I‘m actually currently working on ending the compulsions, but it‘s very hard. I know that they are the problem. Now with this note I finally realize it.

I‘m sorry that you‘re also struggling with this! :( and I should definitely start trying to limit the amount of compulsions (notes). What bothers me the most right now is this one note now. OCD took over my logic and for OCD this note is concrete proof that I cheated and it feels like the end for me at the moment. My anxiety is at a peak. Never felt this devastated during my OCD days. I‘m at rock bottom :(

@Jaxiju The way that you wrote the note looks like you were doing an exercise in writing out thoughts - “OCD is telling me that...” My therapist told me to write something similar to distance myself from the thought.

@Sabrina I have about 20 of those notes on my phone and the intention was always to relieve my anxiety because of an intrusive thought I had in those moments. What bothers me now, is the formulation of this particular note. I wrote „Obsessive thought that this guy was here, but we did nothing.“ Usually I would‘ve written „Obsessive thought that this guy was here. But I know that no one is really here.“ My OCD is focussing on „we did nothing“ like I admitted that he still was with me. OCD is so convincing and I hate it! :‘(

@Jaxiju There’s no way you had him there. You love your boyfriend so much you’re worried you could accidentally hurt him without remembering it. I bet the note you wrote was about this same kind of thought. I bet back then you were worrying about a similar, if not the exact same scenario. Even if you had the guy over, you would remember it, because OCD would not let you get away with the guilt.

@booba Actually I know that but OCD doesn‘t want me to know :““(

@Jaxiju I’m so sorry 🥺 your ocd is really messing with you! Since OCD isn’t going to accept the facts right now, maybe you could redirect your attention? If it feels comfortable, you could explain this intrusive thought to somebody you trust, and then engage in a fun and relaxing activity. I always try to watch something stimulating while I draw or clean, so my thoughts can’t get hijacked by my ocd. I’m sorry you’re struggling tonight, try to be gentle with yourself. ❤️

@booba thank you!! Really appreciate that! I would like to explain it to my boyfriend who is sitting next to me right now, but my therapist advised me against making him engaged to my OCD and OCD thoughts.

@Jaxiju Hmm she’s right if you start needing him to reassure you, that becomes a compulsion. It might be okay to share with him if you frame it as factual, without any expectation of action from him or any need for his reassurance. Something like, “My OCD is lying to me and trying to make me doubt my own memories even thought I know the truth. I can’t stop thinking about it right now, so I’m going to try to distract myself for a minute.” When the intrusive thought feels less real, and you feel more solid in your truth, then you can maybe discuss what actually happened in more detail. There’s nothing wrong with letting your partner in on your healing.

@booba you‘re advices are so helpful. That sounds like a good solution :)

@Jaxiju Awww 🥺 that makes me so happy! I’m glad I could help! You seem like such a sweet person! I know you can do it ❤️❤️

@booba thank you! ☺️

A thought which made me anxious in the past never bored me. I can obsessively think about a thought for months and instead of getting better, It‘s getting worse. :/ but I‘m glad it works for you

@Jaxiju I mean viewing the fear, not trying to figure them out and by not reassuring, really trying to let the anxiety scare you without trying to fight it or disprove it, thats when eventually it starts to lose its sting and eventually it becomes insignificant and you see it for what it really is, just irrational fear

@Jaxiju Obsessively thinking about a thought will of course keep it going endlessly, but viewing it and taking the anxiety without reassuring is a very differant way to fight it and with time will break it down.....that is what I mean.

thanks for sharing! I‘m sorry that you‘re also going through this 😓