- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey bro I’ve been feeling pretty much the same way. I have harm ocd thoughts that’s like to pop into my head like all the time and “what if’s” that come along with them. Like I want to get a girlfriend but the “what if” likes to tell me that I’m a monster (as you say) and that it’ll never work out because of how bad my mental state is right now. I am almost 21 and was completely normal until last November when I had my first panic attack, ever since it’s been extremely rough and I picked up HOCD in February. I just want you to know you are NOT alone in this bro. I know, TRUST me, I know it sucks and I’ve had similar thoughts when it’s really bad. However, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never let that light fade away because one day it will be so bright you won’t even have time to think or be this “monster” you know? Keep fighting the good fight bro :)
This was really pleasent, insightful and relatable to read dude; especially the part about “not having time to think of or be this monster” these anxieties come in waves and at the least it really is comforting to know I’m not alone. And neither are you. Thank you very much for this comment.
Hey kadianj, I have the same subtype if OCD. I was undiagnosed for 10 years. Didn't know it was OCD, I just thought I was the scum of the earth and hiding it from everyone. I want you to know that I still have intrusive thoughts but that I have learnt to let them sit in the backseat of my mind instead of taking the steering wheel. By that I mean; I have numerous wholesome and loving relationships with children in my life whilst dealing with intrusive thoughts in the background. I am also planning on having children of my own. I want to lead my life by my values and not by my fears. I have been where you are mentally and have seriously thought about ending it all. I want you to know that I am so grateful that I didn't. I hope you pull through and take some time out from all the guilt and shame to give yourself some well needed love.
if you ever need someone that understands to listen. I can give you my number if that’s aloud on here
Thank you for making me feel less alone. I don’t feel comfortable giving out my number on here but I do wish there was some sort of chat or crisis chat on the app.
@kadianj totally understand🤍you’re awesome, and needed. We gotta educate the world about OCD. WE NEED YOU!!!!
I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.
some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame
Please help. I have felt so off/wrong all day. I constantly worry that the “bad guy” is going to get me. I have awful thoughts and I constantly want God to know that I don’t mean these thoughts. I am at a point in my therapy where I need to choose to use my ERP but it feels too scary. I then do compulsions, which makes the OCD worse, which makes me want to use ERP less. And the cycle goes on. I am currently sitting in my car crying because I feel so lost and exhausted. I’m not supposed to figure out my thoughts, but today I just went into a spiral of sadness and depression, thinking that I will always feel like this. When my thoughts got really bad at the end of the day, I tried to use ERP even though I was shaking and not believing my responses and I ended up feeling like I missed something and that I gave into the “bad guy.” I have no one to talk when I’m not doing therapy twice a week. I am alone and have no one to talk to when I am like this… please help
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond