I feel suicidal. I’m aware that ERP will help me deal with the anxiety and function better while alive, but the thought of battling with these thoughts forever makes we want to check out. Why keep going? I feel like I’m living a double life where I’m a monster half the time until I “sober up” (I don’t drink) why keep going?

Hey bro I’ve been feeling pretty much the same way. I have harm ocd thoughts that’s like to pop into my head like all the time and “what if’s” that come along with them. Like I want to get a girlfriend but the “what if” likes to tell me that I’m a monster (as you say) and that it’ll never work out because of how bad my mental state is right now. I am almost 21 and was completely normal until last November when I had my first panic attack, ever since it’s been extremely rough and I picked up HOCD in February. I just want you to know you are NOT alone in this bro. I know, TRUST me, I know it sucks and I’ve had similar thoughts when it’s really bad. However, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never let that light fade away because one day it will be so bright you won’t even have time to think or be this “monster” you know? Keep fighting the good fight bro :)

Hey kadianj, I have the same subtype if OCD. I was undiagnosed for 10 years. Didn't know it was OCD, I just thought I was the scum of the earth and hiding it from everyone. I want you to know that I still have intrusive thoughts but that I have learnt to let them sit in the backseat of my mind instead of taking the steering wheel. By that I mean; I have numerous wholesome and loving relationships with children in my life whilst dealing with intrusive thoughts in the background. I am also planning on having children of my own. I want to lead my life by my values and not by my fears. I have been where you are mentally and have seriously thought about ending it all. I want you to know that I am so grateful that I didn't. I hope you pull through and take some time out from all the guilt and shame to give yourself some well needed love.

if you ever need someone that understands to listen. I can give you my number if that’s aloud on here