- Username
- j420
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I hear ya bro !! Imagine your on a wave and your pushing back to shore it’s useless .. let it take u out to sea.. let’s the thought have there way.. prayers bro
Yea bro I feel your pAin I’m suffering pretty bad right now, but I tell myself just keep going and doing erp as much as possible even when I ruminate I go back to erp afterwards. Get on some meds bro if are not on any, and just know that time breaks the grip of these thoughts as well as erp and medicine.
I feel you dude, Been having constant anxiety since january, it does not go down for me. Even when Im calm, Im anxious.
I know my hands are clammy 😩
@Secret Because I’m always anxious
Man that sucks. I feel your pain. Hang in there. It's sure nice to have this app for support.
Imaan, same here
There is another one tonight at 9cdt. I think I'll try that one of I'm not busy
Thanks. I try that but sometimes I get caught up in the feeling so much I forget how to respond. It's like I have forgot what I've learned in therapy. Does that make sense
Feeling the SAME. Mornings are god awful. When I’m feeling this way I turn to my exposures and my acceptance script which really help me remember why im fighting this thing. Feeling on edge and at any moment I could lose control. Just gotta ride it- not easy at all though. It’s like a mental game- and I tell myself im gonna win. I don’t try to argue or struggle- which makes it scream louder sometimes. With any therapy, it has to get worse before it gets better.
Thank you. I wanted to ask you a couple questions if that's alright. Can you tell me what is your acceptance script. I'm trying to get some ideas to see if that will help. I worry it might become a compulsion too. Also, morning for me are hell as well. Ughh!! When you say you turn to your exposures do you mean you work on your triggers when you're feeling on edge,? Thank you
@j420 Sure! Sorry this may be a long post: I do my acceptance script after exposure to remind myself of what I’m fighting for - the format is as follows: I Have OCD. Because I have OCD I have to deal with obsessions and compulsions. My main obsessions are _______. I respond to these obsessions and compulsions. My main compulsions are ________. I have to accept that I may never get certainty regarding my obsessions. The only thing I can be certain of is that by continuing to do compulsions I will become a slave to my OCD. I deserve ___ ( list all the things OCd has threatened to take or has taken away from you). I will have to accept unwanted thoughts and feelings when I start to do these things. I won’t let my OCD bully me anymore. It may be a long and bumpy road ahead, but I am a person of value and I deserve a fair shot at happiness. About turning to my exposures: for example, I was on the verge of a panic attack and went upstairs to regulate. When it didn’t calm down, I decided to do an exposure (I told myself If I’m gonna have a panic attack let’s really do this shit 😂). I allowed the feelings to rise up, and noticed that by forcing the anxious distress my brain began to regulate. It realized that I wasn’t backing down and was purposely “leaning in” to the thoughts and anxiety so it stopped shooting the signals. I never had the panic attack I expected. Sure, I still felt shaky and on edge, but not panic attack. I then chose to go downstairs and watch TV instead of avoiding like I’d usually do when I feel anxious. Hope that makes sense. This is what I do and it has worked, may be different for others.
@Atlas_21 Dang. That's awesome. You are strong,!! Thank you. I will try this
@j420 Thanks! You’re strong too. Trust me I was terrified - I for sure was thinking this is gonna get me hospitalized 😂. It did help with my confidence thought.
@Atlas_21 I have a hard time NOT trying to figure out why I feel so much anxiety. My therapist had told me to just let it be. SO hard though. I think a script like yours will help me to remember what I want.
@j420 This is my exact same issue, I’m a fixer! And I freak out that it’s not being solved. This script has helped me come to grips with the reality of OCD- and take more accountability for why I’m not making progress in certain instances.
@Atlas_21 Right! I need to be able to fix things as well. That's just what we should do, is how I was raised. I'm pretty hard on myself when I can't fix things so my self worth has tanked.
@j420 Right there with you. My therapist is incorporating self- compassion meditation and that’s been helpful, along with my acceptance script. The self compassion piece is more about not judging yourself and accepting that this something that happens to people and bares no reflection on who you are as a person. It takes time though. I’m too hard on myself in general so the self compassion component is very healthy.
@Atlas_21 Well. Your an angel in my book. 😊
@j420 Aw, thank you! You seem great yourself :) It’s funny, people with OCD always talk about how terrible they are, but here we are, supporting each other and sharing kind words even when we are experiencing immense pain. Rather paradoxical- guess OCD is a liar after all 😝
@Atlas_21 No Shiz. We should stay in touch on here. I get alot from you. I doubt you will get much from me though😬. Hmm. Doubt.... Here we go again lol
@j420 Talking to others like you is very helpful- it’s validating and normalizing- OCD can shove it with the doubt 😆. Especially cause we are both doing ERP it would be nice to get that support from one another. Idk if we can instant message one person on here though?
@j420 Well, I just followed you so that will help to stay in contact.
@Atlas_21 How is your day going?
@j420 Hey! I just did a really upsetting script exposure. I was feeling confident going in, but after the exercise anxiety shot up- heart rate was above 100. Coming back down, but still shaky. But, feeling determined yet! How’s your day going so far? Any exposures?
@Atlas_21 You are awesome! Holy crap. Your brave! I did an exposure or have been trying to do it all day... I'm not real good at them yet. I feel anxiety come on for no apparent reason, then I stare back at it, and ask it to give me what it's got. Then sit with the feeling. I'm trying to show anxiety I'm not scared. I hope that's a good way.
@Atlas_21 I struggle with suicidal theme as well. I read some stories about suicide today and really tried to sit with the anxiety caused by that as well.... Lol. Funny thing. When I type the word anxiety in to message, half the time auto correct comes back with the word .🤣shit
@j420 Haha that’s hilarious 😆 anxiety is a piece of shit. I could say the same for you! That’s super brave- and an extended exposure throughout the day! Sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to do, sit with the incredible discomfort. I don’t think anyone is “good” at exposures at this stage- otherwise we wouldn’t have OCD. We will get better and better at it- having anxiety towards the exposure means we are doing exactly what we need to do. My OCD gets so loud during the exposures and even long after. It kind of satisfies me that it’s getting pissed off though 😂.
@Atlas_21 That's good to think OCD is getting pissed. 💪
@Atlas_21 I'm beginning to feel empowered by my choices to sit with anxiety. It is an awesome feeling. A nice pat on the back💪
@j420 That’s awesome! Personal growth is exciting 😁 I read a post by a NOCD therapist that really helped put things in perspective for me- “try to judge your progress based on changes in your behavior, not changes in how you’re feeling.” Even though we are feeling anxious we are making active choices by sitting with anxiety or moving closer to our personal values rather than using avoidance. Then, hopefully the feelings surrounding those conscious acts of taking our power back will follow. I’m too focused on me feeling less anxious (constantly checking in compulsion) that I’m not recognizing my behavior shifts for the better. This is something I really need to work on.
@Atlas_21 Interesting. I never thought of it as a compulsion to check how I feel. It comes so natural to recognize if I'm feeling anxious. With that thought I realize how I'm so hyper aware
@j420 I guess it’s not a compulsion in the traditional sense, but, I’m constantly checking to see if I’ve shifted from anxious to more relaxed, and if I noticed I’m still anxious, I have a hard time accepting it which makes me more anxious 😂. Just practicing letting it be with mindfulness, and having patience in the process- that a significant shift in feeling happens incrementally over a long period.
@Atlas_21 That makes sense. I do that too. While driving today I kept trying to figure out why I felt anxious. I then realized I was trying to make sense of it all , which is a compulsion. So frustrating. I hope your having a good day
@j420 Yep! It’s the constant struggle. Sometimes I drop it, other times I fall into OCD’s traps. It happens so quickly too (as usual with thoughts 😂). But we are getting better at catching. I’m hanging in there - mornings are usually the worst but as day goes I start to feel better. Hope you’re doing well too!
Thanks for the support you guys. You are awesome
Heck. You have a great knowledge of this and the processes. You got this😊
I went camping with my wife, sister, and bro in law. So beautiful this time of year. It was good. I live in Utah and the mountains and trees are gorgeous now. We have had a drought in our area and finally was able to have camp fires. So nice to sit by a fire at night and enjoy it. My mornings suck as well !!!!!!!!, so evenings around a fire are so enjoyable.
That sounds soo lovely!! Utah is beautiful but I’ve never been- would love to travel there. I live in Northern California up in gold country and the drought has been terrible- we had so many fires that we didn’t have a chance to go to Tahoe like we usually do (we live very close). Hoping to do some nature hikes next weekend though. Not ready for another work week 😩 . Good for you though, it’s sounds like your living life and not avoiding!
Tahoe. I've always wanted to go there.. I'm sorry about the fires you have had. I don't watch much news but I have heard about them. Ughh. Not good. Work week starting again too. 😔 Yuck!! It always brings anxiety and the unknown. I get caught up in my own head at work and it makes things pretty dang hard. Most my OCD is mental obsessions and compulsions. I've heard mornings are bad for a big majority of us OCD sufferers. Cortisol levels are high in the morning. I always try to drink lots of water in the morning in hopes it helps.
Yes, mine are mental compulsions as well they can be really sneaky. Much less obvious then the overt behaviors. I heard the same thing about the mornings too- seratonin levels are super low too and they start to increase throughout the day and are highest in the Eve. I just bought Everyday Mindfulness for OCD and the Mindfulness Workbook for OCD recommended by my therapist. I really enjoy them so far helps with those moments in between therapy. Haven’t read the entire thing yet. The Workbook really helps identify mental compulsions, some I didn’t even think or know about. Keeps you and OCD on it’s toes 😆
I do avoid too. It's so hard not too. I sleep probably more than I should. I get so anxious. I'm trying to do better. One day at a time
I've got the mindfulness workbook for OCD book as well. I haven't jumped into it. I should soon. It's funny how thinking of reading it causes anxiety
Yep! That happens to me too. Guess it’s part of exposure! I can say with confidence that it didn’t raise my anxiety levels like the “Overcoming Harm OCD” book by Jon Hershfield. Had a panic attack with that one even though it was a great read. That was my first ERP exercise.
How are you doing today? My name is Justin btw. I have to say that this Monday has been one of the worst I've had in a while. So anxious. I even had today scheduled off to some flooring at my house. Needless to say, the flooring hasn't gone well. I hope your having a good Monday
Hey nice to know your name Justin. I’m Marlena, Atlas is my dog :) I’m so sorry to hear your Monday was so rough. Today was pretty decent for me, but it can wax and wane. Emotions are ever changing, never constant, always in flux. Did you recognize any triggers in particular? Or just a feeling that triggers the thought?
Nice to know your name Marlena. I'm not sure what did it today. I'm pretty sure being out of meds hasn't helped. I'm on a couple meds that both ran out over the weekend. I don't like being on medicine for this but it's almost necessary. I was in the middle of panic attack this morning when I thought about being off meds
Oh no! Yeah that will trigger unhelpful thoughts. May I ask, are you taking benzodiazepines or SSRI’s ?
I was on Xanax for almost 15 years! My new doctor cut me off cold turkey about 2 years ago. That sucked! I'm on ssri's
Gotcha- yeah, as a therapist myself I would avoid the benzodiazepines because they can cause your amygdala to become chemically addicted. It learns that the only way it can calm down is from taking the benzodiazepines, thus it will constantly shoot out flight fight freeze response until it gets the fix, instead of learning without the aid of the benzo. It’s so hard stopping cold turkey, but I would say you may be better off for it. The SSRI’s are the better route to go. May I ask what brand you’re taking now? I’m not on the medication route but it is a back up plan. I know that Zoloft (setraline) and Prozac are most often prescribed at higher dosages for OCD.
I'm on clomipromine and luvox. Yeah I think all those years I could have been learning how to deal with my anxiety instead I took a pill 3x per day. My old doctor thought that was the way to go. I've been offered benzos since but declined because I don't want that problem again.
Oh yeah I heard of those meds too for OCD. Have you noticed a difference on those? Yeah, doctors give those out like candy- it really upsets me cause I get clients with PTSD addicted to those meds. Doctors love giving quick fixes without recognizing the long term effects. Good for you though, you have to be a strong person to reject something like that once you’ve already been introduced.
Thanks but it sure hasn't been easy to not want them. The anxiety levels are so much stronger since I haven't been on them. I so often want to crawl in a hole, under covers to sleep away the day. Luckily I have work. I'm a machinist and sometimes my head isn't in the game. But I'm trying
Yeah I can imagine. I’ve been there before. I just finished a hard core work out and my heart rate got up to 179 and I think my amygdala was like oh shit are we panicking!? I’m like calm the f* down it’s a workout 😂 but I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like I’m on the precipice of an attack but keeping my thoughts distant. I hear you about work- I’m working at a safehouse where there’s tons of crises to manage but that’s honestly sometimes the only time I can put my OCD aside. Dealing with other peoples issues 😂. But all we can do is try- at least we are working and trying to maintain a schedule. I haven’t tried her group yet, I’ve wanted to but between work and gym stuff it’s so hard to keep up. But one of these days I will- especially since you’ve enjoyed it I should check it out. Does everyone have their screens on?
@Atlas_21 Atta girl on the heart rate.!! I need to get my butt back to the gym. Before all this covid stuff I was in good shape. Now.... Ughh. I've worked out all my life. Even got in super shredded condition for a bb competition. Most people have their cameras on. Marlena my friend... You are awesome! Dealing with all the crap you must see in your work.
@j420 Thanks man, appreciate the kind words. But sometimes it definitely feels like I’m gonna fall apart- I cry, then wipe the tears and keep going like most people on here and like yourself. Do you have a lot of customers you have to work with on a daily basis as a machinist? I had to start my work outs at home cause of Covid- definitely gained some weight 😂 but then lost due to my acute onset of OCD (6 pounds in 2 weeks, wouldn’t eat, too sick). Wow that’s intense, BB competition- so you know what mind over matter looks like for sure! You got this Justin, OCD is just like perseverance in the gym- no pain no gain. I don’t see the class, there’s one in the Eve tomorrow but it looks like it’s with Tia the advocate. What’s the title?
Have you tried any of the live group sessions? I like Tuesday night with Jenna Overbaugh freaking with intrusive thoughts.
Lol. Dealing, not freaking though I do a ton of that as well.
Sorry. The class is Wednesday at 7cst
I get off right at 5pm :(
@Atlas_21 I’m Pacific coast time … wish it was 7 for me
So you should be able to make it. Wouldn't that be 5 your time?
It takes me a while to get home- I’m also away from my personal office so I don’t have my own private space. I could sit in my car, but not the most comfortable. I may check it out one of the days I’m off, or during PTO.
Ok. It's good. Give me some hope which has been hard to come by. Yesterday kicked my ass. Yesterday kind of put me in a tail spin. I am trying to sit with the left over anxiety and not do a compulsion. . It's hard to do because I'm not sure what triggered it. I guess I shouldn't care what caused it because that might give me more anxiety because I'm focusing on it. SO hard
That sounds like my episode a week ago. I was in my car and suddenly got anxious out of nowhere (didn’t help that I had coffee 😬) and I started to experience derealization - then the thoughts of (this is never gonna get better, I’ll always feel this way) you know, normal OCD bullshit. It makes you feel like you’ve gone backwards - but, as I read in my OCD mindfulness book, you’re gonna have those days, and that’s normal. It’s about picking yourself up and showing that self compassion. I had to let figuring out the triggers go because it was like I wasn’t accepting the fact that anxiety can sometimes outta nowhere and that’s accepting OCD. Until we are more in recovery of course. I’m signed up for that one tonight! The mental compulsions I believe?
@Atlas_21 Yeah. Hopefully I can do that one too. I'm signed up.
@Atlas_21 Did you like that group yesterday? I was only able to listen for maybe 5 minutes, then my daughter came over to visit. What I heard, they talked about self compassion. I would have loved to listen to it all. I need to learn self compassion
@j420 Hey! Yeah it was pretty good, wish it was longer though. Didn’t get to ask as many questions. A lot of people had some good ideas for incorporating that, first by accepting feelings and telling themselves that it’s ok that they are having a rough day. That self compassion is the absence of judgement; also speaking to yourself the way you would a friend. I’ve been looking at Kristen Neff’s website (she’s the leading psychologist behind self compassion work) and she has some great exercises and meditations in audio form. Also, I’m thinking that OCD forums are becoming a compulsion for me. I’m limiting myself to only checking social media /anything regarding OCD 2x a day. It’s become a way for me to neutralize anxiety. I also need to stop with the OCD videos.
@Atlas_21 Wow you are strong, and motivated! You go!! I believe that might be the same with me. It would probably be helpful to not check on the apps as often as I do.
@j420 Thank you! You are too! :) thanks for letting me know about the group sessions - I think I may have overextended myself with the last one- I need to work them in where I’m already home from work and engaged in more self care. But I will try to find time to attend here and there. So far, taking a break from the OCD stuff has been good- I’m replacing that with mindful meditation and more exposure focused treatment. I felt like OCD was starting to become “my identity” instead of it just being a nuisance that is one small aspect of me. Some of the comments in the forums can be triggering, but not in a helpful way. More of a “we are all miserable and can never get better” kind of way. Except our convos of course. But yeah, I know it was a compulsion for sure. Gotta stop feeding the beast
Are you still going to join group sessions? I think they have helped in my opinion
Help me understand. So taking a break from the OCD stuff has been beneficial. Will you give me ideas. Please?.Everything I feel I do is around treatment. It gets very taxing!! Like you said it feels like" my identity. "I think we have it in us(sometimes hard to find or recognize) to become great without OCD but it's been empowering to me to catch a glimpse of me giving a good fight against OCD. I think you have that vision to not be identified as one with OCD. I hope and pray the same for me though we will always have this disorder.
I’m still navigating this myself, so what rings true or helpful for me may not resonate as much for you. When I look at forums and videos throughout the day, even though it may give me some insight here and there, it’s like OCD has tricked me into the feeling like I need to be glued to this info as a way to still remind me “bitch, I still got you cause you’re always thinking about me.” I noticed when I gave myself the strict time limit, my OCD was like “something bad is gonna happen if you stop looking at this info!” That’s when I recognized it was a compulsion. I notice that when I’m anxious, I reach for more info- but you’ll never be satiated, even though it feels good for a short while. And, that was taking me away from what I’d normally be doing (watching my fav shows, taking a walk, talking with friends, work tasks) which is valued living. I was eating, sleeping, breathing OCD info and forgetting who I was without it. I recommend trying to give yourself a time limit (only spending 30 min per day, or looking up 2-3x about OCD content be that forums or videos per day) to see if that was a sneaky compulsion. If you start to get super anxious or your OCD gets loud, your feeding the beast. Sorry that was long winded - but talk to your therapist too to see what she thinks. I’m going to tomorrow.
👍
Thanks
Hey, how’ve you been doing? I’ve been staying away from the constant OCD content and it’s been better for me thus far.
I'm doing alright. This last weekend was pretty good. Yesterday was good but so far today I'm feeling anxiety. Probably because I called in sick to work yesterday. . So you think staying away from OCD stuff has helped?
Glad you had a pretty good weekend- I still have my bad days too but their not overwhelming so much. I really think it has helped- I’m not always thinking so much about it. But because it’s a compulsion the OCD has tried to rope me back into it by throwing out older themes. But siting through the anxiety really helps and then the impulse usually subsides. The forum itself it too triggering and you start to over-identify which is a major cognitive distortion. I prefer the inspirational stories. My therapist also said to be careful with OCD content as well due to what I just mentioned.
Interesting. I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist yourself. I think it's good that they can help identify things that could be troublesome that you don't think of.
What do you mean by over-identifying? Can you give an example
Sure- when others share their stories, especially when it’s centered on not getting better, or always feeling this way (anxious, depressed, etc.) it’s hard for me personally to separate their experience from mine. My OCD latches on, and assumes that their experience will be mine as well, even though everyone, even those with OCD, are vastly different. I’m still vulnerable, especially in this pre-recovery period. It was good to take a step back and engage with others outside of the community to remember who I am. Hopefully that makes sense
*venting* I’m so tired of life. I just woke up, and I feel like going back to bed and sleep until this nightmare passes. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I can face another day of intrusive thoughts, fear, anxiety. I need some moments of relief, but there are none. I wanna have a life again. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have killed my social life, my ambitions and desires, my happiness. I’ve been fighting for the past 6 months for nothing. I don’t see any improvement. I’m on day 3 of Lexapro and of course i can’t tell if it’s gonna work for me or not. I’m on the first stages of ERP therapy and I still haven’t got any assigned homework to work on, which I really need because I need to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself with ocd and Gad. I just hope someone could just take out whatever part of my brain isn’t working properly and replace it with a new piece. I don’t wanna feel like a burden to my family or boyfriend anymore. I can’t believe all the damage that I’m causing. I don’t know what to do with all this self hate. I don’t know where to turn to. I seem to have all the help that one could need - therapy, medication, support system. Yet I feel like I can’t spend another day living like this.
Just kind of an ERP vent. Anyone wanna talk about this experience? It’s bumming me out. So I’ve been doing ERP exercises daily to help myself get over this theme. I started out with ERP towards the gender I have had intrusive thoughts about (men), and it helped knock out a lot of the intrusive stuff and false attractions, but working on my ERP towards women has been rather difficult. I’m still getting mental blocks. I’m trying to expose myself to them and get over false anxiety and other negative false emotions. It’s worked, but it feels like I’m stuck right now. Anyone else getting frustrated? I know ERP is a process, but it feels like it’s taking absolutely forever. Anyone wanna talk / vent about ERP frustrations?
I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️
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