I'm flipping out!!! So much anxiety today. I honestly have it almost every waking hour. I'm not exaggerating. Many of you can relate. Isn't this so hard. Even with ERP and this app I still have some horrible days. Like today. I guess it would help to not focus so much on how difficult it can be. I wish I could get this to logically go away, but no logic will help. Even when I tell myself that normal people can let go of intrusive thoughts and not wallow in them. OCD hates logic. Sorry. I'm just venting. This gets so fucking old!!!!!!

I know my hands are clammy 😩

@Secret Because I’m always anxious

Man that sucks. I feel your pain. Hang in there. It's sure nice to have this app for support.

Thank you. I wanted to ask you a couple questions if that's alright. Can you tell me what is your acceptance script. I'm trying to get some ideas to see if that will help. I worry it might become a compulsion too. Also, morning for me are hell as well. Ughh!! When you say you turn to your exposures do you mean you work on your triggers when you're feeling on edge,? Thank you

@j420 Sure! Sorry this may be a long post: I do my acceptance script after exposure to remind myself of what I’m fighting for - the format is as follows: I Have OCD. Because I have OCD I have to deal with obsessions and compulsions. My main obsessions are _______. I respond to these obsessions and compulsions. My main compulsions are ________. I have to accept that I may never get certainty regarding my obsessions. The only thing I can be certain of is that by continuing to do compulsions I will become a slave to my OCD. I deserve ___ ( list all the things OCd has threatened to take or has taken away from you). I will have to accept unwanted thoughts and feelings when I start to do these things. I won’t let my OCD bully me anymore. It may be a long and bumpy road ahead, but I am a person of value and I deserve a fair shot at happiness. About turning to my exposures: for example, I was on the verge of a panic attack and went upstairs to regulate. When it didn’t calm down, I decided to do an exposure (I told myself If I’m gonna have a panic attack let’s really do this shit 😂). I allowed the feelings to rise up, and noticed that by forcing the anxious distress my brain began to regulate. It realized that I wasn’t backing down and was purposely “leaning in” to the thoughts and anxiety so it stopped shooting the signals. I never had the panic attack I expected. Sure, I still felt shaky and on edge, but not panic attack. I then chose to go downstairs and watch TV instead of avoiding like I’d usually do when I feel anxious. Hope that makes sense. This is what I do and it has worked, may be different for others.

@Atlas_21 Dang. That's awesome. You are strong,!! Thank you. I will try this

@j420 Thanks! You’re strong too. Trust me I was terrified - I for sure was thinking this is gonna get me hospitalized 😂. It did help with my confidence thought.

@Atlas_21 I have a hard time NOT trying to figure out why I feel so much anxiety. My therapist had told me to just let it be. SO hard though. I think a script like yours will help me to remember what I want.

@j420 This is my exact same issue, I’m a fixer! And I freak out that it’s not being solved. This script has helped me come to grips with the reality of OCD- and take more accountability for why I’m not making progress in certain instances.

@Atlas_21 Right! I need to be able to fix things as well. That's just what we should do, is how I was raised. I'm pretty hard on myself when I can't fix things so my self worth has tanked.

@j420 Right there with you. My therapist is incorporating self- compassion meditation and that’s been helpful, along with my acceptance script. The self compassion piece is more about not judging yourself and accepting that this something that happens to people and bares no reflection on who you are as a person. It takes time though. I’m too hard on myself in general so the self compassion component is very healthy.

@Atlas_21 Well. Your an angel in my book. 😊

@j420 Aw, thank you! You seem great yourself :) It’s funny, people with OCD always talk about how terrible they are, but here we are, supporting each other and sharing kind words even when we are experiencing immense pain. Rather paradoxical- guess OCD is a liar after all 😝

@Atlas_21 No Shiz. We should stay in touch on here. I get alot from you. I doubt you will get much from me though😬. Hmm. Doubt.... Here we go again lol

@j420 Talking to others like you is very helpful- it’s validating and normalizing- OCD can shove it with the doubt 😆. Especially cause we are both doing ERP it would be nice to get that support from one another. Idk if we can instant message one person on here though?

@j420 Well, I just followed you so that will help to stay in contact.

@Atlas_21 How is your day going?

@j420 Hey! I just did a really upsetting script exposure. I was feeling confident going in, but after the exercise anxiety shot up- heart rate was above 100. Coming back down, but still shaky. But, feeling determined yet! How’s your day going so far? Any exposures?

@Atlas_21 You are awesome! Holy crap. Your brave! I did an exposure or have been trying to do it all day... I'm not real good at them yet. I feel anxiety come on for no apparent reason, then I stare back at it, and ask it to give me what it's got. Then sit with the feeling. I'm trying to show anxiety I'm not scared. I hope that's a good way.

@Atlas_21 I struggle with suicidal theme as well. I read some stories about suicide today and really tried to sit with the anxiety caused by that as well.... Lol. Funny thing. When I type the word anxiety in to message, half the time auto correct comes back with the word .🤣shit

@j420 Haha that’s hilarious 😆 anxiety is a piece of shit. I could say the same for you! That’s super brave- and an extended exposure throughout the day! Sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to do, sit with the incredible discomfort. I don’t think anyone is “good” at exposures at this stage- otherwise we wouldn’t have OCD. We will get better and better at it- having anxiety towards the exposure means we are doing exactly what we need to do. My OCD gets so loud during the exposures and even long after. It kind of satisfies me that it’s getting pissed off though 😂.

@Atlas_21 That's good to think OCD is getting pissed. 💪

@Atlas_21 I'm beginning to feel empowered by my choices to sit with anxiety. It is an awesome feeling. A nice pat on the back💪

@j420 That’s awesome! Personal growth is exciting 😁 I read a post by a NOCD therapist that really helped put things in perspective for me- “try to judge your progress based on changes in your behavior, not changes in how you’re feeling.” Even though we are feeling anxious we are making active choices by sitting with anxiety or moving closer to our personal values rather than using avoidance. Then, hopefully the feelings surrounding those conscious acts of taking our power back will follow. I’m too focused on me feeling less anxious (constantly checking in compulsion) that I’m not recognizing my behavior shifts for the better. This is something I really need to work on.

@Atlas_21 Interesting. I never thought of it as a compulsion to check how I feel. It comes so natural to recognize if I'm feeling anxious. With that thought I realize how I'm so hyper aware

@j420 I guess it’s not a compulsion in the traditional sense, but, I’m constantly checking to see if I’ve shifted from anxious to more relaxed, and if I noticed I’m still anxious, I have a hard time accepting it which makes me more anxious 😂. Just practicing letting it be with mindfulness, and having patience in the process- that a significant shift in feeling happens incrementally over a long period.

@Atlas_21 That makes sense. I do that too. While driving today I kept trying to figure out why I felt anxious. I then realized I was trying to make sense of it all , which is a compulsion. So frustrating. I hope your having a good day

@j420 Yep! It’s the constant struggle. Sometimes I drop it, other times I fall into OCD’s traps. It happens so quickly too (as usual with thoughts 😂). But we are getting better at catching. I’m hanging in there - mornings are usually the worst but as day goes I start to feel better. Hope you’re doing well too!

That sounds soo lovely!! Utah is beautiful but I’ve never been- would love to travel there. I live in Northern California up in gold country and the drought has been terrible- we had so many fires that we didn’t have a chance to go to Tahoe like we usually do (we live very close). Hoping to do some nature hikes next weekend though. Not ready for another work week 😩 . Good for you though, it’s sounds like your living life and not avoiding!

Yes, mine are mental compulsions as well they can be really sneaky. Much less obvious then the overt behaviors. I heard the same thing about the mornings too- seratonin levels are super low too and they start to increase throughout the day and are highest in the Eve. I just bought Everyday Mindfulness for OCD and the Mindfulness Workbook for OCD recommended by my therapist. I really enjoy them so far helps with those moments in between therapy. Haven’t read the entire thing yet. The Workbook really helps identify mental compulsions, some I didn’t even think or know about. Keeps you and OCD on it’s toes 😆

Yep! That happens to me too. Guess it’s part of exposure! I can say with confidence that it didn’t raise my anxiety levels like the “Overcoming Harm OCD” book by Jon Hershfield. Had a panic attack with that one even though it was a great read. That was my first ERP exercise.

Hey nice to know your name Justin. I’m Marlena, Atlas is my dog :) I’m so sorry to hear your Monday was so rough. Today was pretty decent for me, but it can wax and wane. Emotions are ever changing, never constant, always in flux. Did you recognize any triggers in particular? Or just a feeling that triggers the thought?

Oh no! Yeah that will trigger unhelpful thoughts. May I ask, are you taking benzodiazepines or SSRI’s ?

Gotcha- yeah, as a therapist myself I would avoid the benzodiazepines because they can cause your amygdala to become chemically addicted. It learns that the only way it can calm down is from taking the benzodiazepines, thus it will constantly shoot out flight fight freeze response until it gets the fix, instead of learning without the aid of the benzo. It’s so hard stopping cold turkey, but I would say you may be better off for it. The SSRI’s are the better route to go. May I ask what brand you’re taking now? I’m not on the medication route but it is a back up plan. I know that Zoloft (setraline) and Prozac are most often prescribed at higher dosages for OCD.

Oh yeah I heard of those meds too for OCD. Have you noticed a difference on those? Yeah, doctors give those out like candy- it really upsets me cause I get clients with PTSD addicted to those meds. Doctors love giving quick fixes without recognizing the long term effects. Good for you though, you have to be a strong person to reject something like that once you’ve already been introduced.

Yeah I can imagine. I’ve been there before. I just finished a hard core work out and my heart rate got up to 179 and I think my amygdala was like oh shit are we panicking!? I’m like calm the f* down it’s a workout 😂 but I felt like I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like I’m on the precipice of an attack but keeping my thoughts distant. I hear you about work- I’m working at a safehouse where there’s tons of crises to manage but that’s honestly sometimes the only time I can put my OCD aside. Dealing with other peoples issues 😂. But all we can do is try- at least we are working and trying to maintain a schedule. I haven’t tried her group yet, I’ve wanted to but between work and gym stuff it’s so hard to keep up. But one of these days I will- especially since you’ve enjoyed it I should check it out. Does everyone have their screens on?

@Atlas_21 Atta girl on the heart rate.!! I need to get my butt back to the gym. Before all this covid stuff I was in good shape. Now.... Ughh. I've worked out all my life. Even got in super shredded condition for a bb competition. Most people have their cameras on. Marlena my friend... You are awesome! Dealing with all the crap you must see in your work.

@j420 Thanks man, appreciate the kind words. But sometimes it definitely feels like I’m gonna fall apart- I cry, then wipe the tears and keep going like most people on here and like yourself. Do you have a lot of customers you have to work with on a daily basis as a machinist? I had to start my work outs at home cause of Covid- definitely gained some weight 😂 but then lost due to my acute onset of OCD (6 pounds in 2 weeks, wouldn’t eat, too sick). Wow that’s intense, BB competition- so you know what mind over matter looks like for sure! You got this Justin, OCD is just like perseverance in the gym- no pain no gain. I don’t see the class, there’s one in the Eve tomorrow but it looks like it’s with Tia the advocate. What’s the title?

I get off right at 5pm :(

@Atlas_21 I’m Pacific coast time … wish it was 7 for me

It takes me a while to get home- I’m also away from my personal office so I don’t have my own private space. I could sit in my car, but not the most comfortable. I may check it out one of the days I’m off, or during PTO.

That sounds like my episode a week ago. I was in my car and suddenly got anxious out of nowhere (didn’t help that I had coffee 😬) and I started to experience derealization - then the thoughts of (this is never gonna get better, I’ll always feel this way) you know, normal OCD bullshit. It makes you feel like you’ve gone backwards - but, as I read in my OCD mindfulness book, you’re gonna have those days, and that’s normal. It’s about picking yourself up and showing that self compassion. I had to let figuring out the triggers go because it was like I wasn’t accepting the fact that anxiety can sometimes outta nowhere and that’s accepting OCD. Until we are more in recovery of course. I’m signed up for that one tonight! The mental compulsions I believe?

@Atlas_21 Yeah. Hopefully I can do that one too. I'm signed up.

@Atlas_21 Did you like that group yesterday? I was only able to listen for maybe 5 minutes, then my daughter came over to visit. What I heard, they talked about self compassion. I would have loved to listen to it all. I need to learn self compassion

@j420 Hey! Yeah it was pretty good, wish it was longer though. Didn’t get to ask as many questions. A lot of people had some good ideas for incorporating that, first by accepting feelings and telling themselves that it’s ok that they are having a rough day. That self compassion is the absence of judgement; also speaking to yourself the way you would a friend. I’ve been looking at Kristen Neff’s website (she’s the leading psychologist behind self compassion work) and she has some great exercises and meditations in audio form. Also, I’m thinking that OCD forums are becoming a compulsion for me. I’m limiting myself to only checking social media /anything regarding OCD 2x a day. It’s become a way for me to neutralize anxiety. I also need to stop with the OCD videos.

@Atlas_21 Wow you are strong, and motivated! You go!! I believe that might be the same with me. It would probably be helpful to not check on the apps as often as I do.

@j420 Thank you! You are too! :) thanks for letting me know about the group sessions - I think I may have overextended myself with the last one- I need to work them in where I’m already home from work and engaged in more self care. But I will try to find time to attend here and there. So far, taking a break from the OCD stuff has been good- I’m replacing that with mindful meditation and more exposure focused treatment. I felt like OCD was starting to become “my identity” instead of it just being a nuisance that is one small aspect of me. Some of the comments in the forums can be triggering, but not in a helpful way. More of a “we are all miserable and can never get better” kind of way. Except our convos of course. But yeah, I know it was a compulsion for sure. Gotta stop feeding the beast

I’m still navigating this myself, so what rings true or helpful for me may not resonate as much for you. When I look at forums and videos throughout the day, even though it may give me some insight here and there, it’s like OCD has tricked me into the feeling like I need to be glued to this info as a way to still remind me “bitch, I still got you cause you’re always thinking about me.” I noticed when I gave myself the strict time limit, my OCD was like “something bad is gonna happen if you stop looking at this info!” That’s when I recognized it was a compulsion. I notice that when I’m anxious, I reach for more info- but you’ll never be satiated, even though it feels good for a short while. And, that was taking me away from what I’d normally be doing (watching my fav shows, taking a walk, talking with friends, work tasks) which is valued living. I was eating, sleeping, breathing OCD info and forgetting who I was without it. I recommend trying to give yourself a time limit (only spending 30 min per day, or looking up 2-3x about OCD content be that forums or videos per day) to see if that was a sneaky compulsion. If you start to get super anxious or your OCD gets loud, your feeding the beast. Sorry that was long winded - but talk to your therapist too to see what she thinks. I’m going to tomorrow.

Hey, how’ve you been doing? I’ve been staying away from the constant OCD content and it’s been better for me thus far.

Glad you had a pretty good weekend- I still have my bad days too but their not overwhelming so much. I really think it has helped- I’m not always thinking so much about it. But because it’s a compulsion the OCD has tried to rope me back into it by throwing out older themes. But siting through the anxiety really helps and then the impulse usually subsides. The forum itself it too triggering and you start to over-identify which is a major cognitive distortion. I prefer the inspirational stories. My therapist also said to be careful with OCD content as well due to what I just mentioned.

Sure- when others share their stories, especially when it’s centered on not getting better, or always feeling this way (anxious, depressed, etc.) it’s hard for me personally to separate their experience from mine. My OCD latches on, and assumes that their experience will be mine as well, even though everyone, even those with OCD, are vastly different. I’m still vulnerable, especially in this pre-recovery period. It was good to take a step back and engage with others outside of the community to remember who I am. Hopefully that makes sense