Thread
stardustnchaos
8d ago

i'm so sick of how ocd controls my life. when i look in the mirror, i hardly even see myself anymore. i see a product of everything my thoughts have turned me into. i try so hard to stay afloat, but the harder i fight the more i sink. i'm so tired. i miss myself and i don't even know who she was. to miss someone else is easy, you know you could see them again. when you miss yourself it's as if you are permanently blind, and trying to find yourself amidst every obstacle you could think of. every single thing i find a monster to be, i feel in myself every time i wake up. it is unbearable. if someone told me reaching in my chest and clawing my heart out might erase the thoughts, and take this unbearable weight out of my chest, i might. you have taken everything. and the worst part is, i doubt i even have you. i fear i am this. this monster. the person i'm terrified of becoming the most. i look in the mirror and i see you. i fight to see me, behind my eyes, every day. one day i will.

CHZ
8d ago
Well said! OCD really sucks especially losing yourself and being able to find yourself again.
Kimberley*
8d ago
I feel like this everyday, sometimes I struggle to believe this can happen to anywhere where you doubt who you are so much.
Ilovefinnickodair
7d ago
I feel like this all the time💕
Lms526
7d ago
Do you have a therapist that understands OCD and specializes in ERP? It would be nice if we could just pray or wish OCD away, but thats not how it works. The longer you go untreated, the worse your OCD will get. Recovery is possible, but it takes time and hard work. But through ERP, you can break the OCD cycle. No matter how many compulsions you do, OCD will never be satisfied. Doing compulsions offers short term relief and long term misery. ERP is not fun or easy. But ERP offers you short term misery and long term benefit. But only you can decide if you are ready to begin treatment. I lived with untreated OCD for 37 years. I didn't even know I had it. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety years ago and never thought to question it until this summer. Prior to that, my knowledge of OCD was very limited. I thought OCD was handwashing and liking things neat and organized. It was only when I learned about other subtypes that things really started clicking for me. ERP has been lifechanging. I haven't reached recovery yet, but I will get there.
azaleas
7d ago
It seems so common to get misdiagnosed with anxiety. I’m so sorry, but glad as well you finally got the right diagnosis. I have read that because we are so often misdiagnosed, insurance companies are basically blind to the need for OCD treatment because we are within the anxiety bucket.
azaleas
7d ago
I was just thinking yesterday looking back on photos of me from about four years ago around/before ROCD started, I have since become significantly less smiley, and honestly most days just feel like a shell of myself. I just started ERP here and hoping for the best.
Jesse Miller
5d ago
You need to accept that change is will happen in ourselves with or without OCD. You are not your OCD, you are a person living WITH OCD. You are a million things. You are not just this one thing. Don’t let it tell you otherwise either. You can learn to live with your thoughts everyday and still be you. It doesn’t need to become your personality, but a small part of you. Everyone goes through a period with their OCD where they wish they could make it go away. But maybe you should stop to ask yourself, how bad will this really be if I learn to accept that this will be a part of me everyday. And recovery will not be linear, but I am strong enough to do exposures and not give into compulsions and learn to like who I am right in this moment.
stardustnchaos
4d ago
thank you so much ❤️ it's very challenging and throughout my life i've had on and off periods where i've felt like i've lost myself. i'm proud of you that you are being strong in your recovery, i'm trying to get brave enough to seek help, but i'm not so sure my insurance will pay for the kind of help i need. so i am trying to stay strong in any way i can. it is hard though, and there are some days where i just have to lean into my feelings and accept that these are mine even if they aren't necessarily factual. ❤️❤️
Jesse Miller
4d ago
@stardustnchaos You can check the NOCD website to see if your insurance can cover, if not, NOCD is pretty affordable. You can always speak to your therapist about payment options too.
stardustnchaos
4d ago
@Jesse Miller i have no money atm ❤️❤️ my insurance unfortunately doesn't pay for NOCD.
azaleas
2d ago
@stardustnchaos Depending on your insurance, you can try to get a referral from your primary care provider to an outside provider if the insurance company doesn’t provide ERP. I’m trying to do that now and hope it works out. My insurance doesn’t usually cover out of network stuff.
stardustnchaos
2d ago
@azaleas good luck ❤️❤️ i might try that :)