- Date posted
- 1y
this sucks
i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person
i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person
I get it
It’s nothing short of hell
Sounds like you are letting your ocd win. Remember, it can NEVER make you do anything you don't want to do. You do compulsions because you want to. Ocd might whisper in your ear and and highly suggest you do them but in the end it can't make you do anything. It's impossible. Ocd has NO control.
People don’t understand this. They say to “trust your gut” and “you know what you feel” but you can’t and you don’t. You truly don’t have a gut or intuition. You don’t know what’s real feelings and what’s fake. You don’t know what thoughts are real and what are fake. And I think that’s the hardest part. Ocd convinces you that you are the worst version of yourself. It’s a 24/7 internal bully that you can’t turn off.
Maybe death is the cure I have white hair at 17 because of this disorder I’ve reached my limit with life and want to end it for good
That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.
I am hurting so much right now. I feel sad and disgusted with myself that I would even worry about these things (pocd). What kind of a human even thinks that and has doubts about that?? Definitely not one that’s rational or mentally sane. That kind of stuff should be a no brainer so why do I worry about it so much and what does it say about me? I feel sick and disgusted and can’t stop crying over it. I just feel so defeated like I want to disappear. I started ERP and every time I resist reassuring myself it comes back at me from every angle. I hate this so much.
I hate the way ocd has completely messed up my brain, I struggle to tell the difference between an intrusive though and a regular one, I have really bad issues with morality and I feel as if my brain can no longer tell what is and isn't right and I can't tell if I'm over reacting about situations and I end up feeling stuck in a loop of wondering if I'm a bad person and trying to look at a situation rationally and not knowing if that's even possible with the state of my mind, I feel like none of my thoughts are actually mine. I hate it and I wish I could feel in control of my thoughts even for just a day, just to know what it's like. I've had ocd symptoms since I was about 9-10 so i feel like I've never really know a life without it. I just wish I could live out my teenage years like anyone else my age. I can hardly engage with my hobbies and passions and I don't know what to do about it. I can't go to therapy or get medication because I'm not even diagnosed, I just feel trapped. I'm only a teenager, like I said, I don't want to live my entire life like this.
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