- Date posted
- 1y
this sucks
i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person
i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person
I get it
It’s nothing short of hell
Sounds like you are letting your ocd win. Remember, it can NEVER make you do anything you don't want to do. You do compulsions because you want to. Ocd might whisper in your ear and and highly suggest you do them but in the end it can't make you do anything. It's impossible. Ocd has NO control.
People don’t understand this. They say to “trust your gut” and “you know what you feel” but you can’t and you don’t. You truly don’t have a gut or intuition. You don’t know what’s real feelings and what’s fake. You don’t know what thoughts are real and what are fake. And I think that’s the hardest part. Ocd convinces you that you are the worst version of yourself. It’s a 24/7 internal bully that you can’t turn off.
Maybe death is the cure I have white hair at 17 because of this disorder I’ve reached my limit with life and want to end it for good
i feel miserable, i don't know who to turn to anymore. i had very bad periods in my life where i felt depressed and suicidal for years but nothing compares to this, not only i feel depressed but my ocd is at an all time high. idk what to do i Just want to cry. i feel like I'm a monster and it feels reasonable to see myself this way. im a horrible person who doesn't deserve any of the good things in my life
some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame
I feel like the worst kind of person and I am ruining my husband. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to change.
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