Scared of who I'm going to be when I wake up

I've been shutting myself away lately because I'm so fu^king sick of this cycle of me turning into a g0ddamned baby and then hysterically crying for hours on end and having my family helplessly watch and not know how to help. Nobody knows how to help. I don't even know what I need. I want to give up and just stare at the wall until somebody can save me. If my brain isn't constantly distracted and numbed I'm spiraling. I switch minute to minute from being super depressed to hyper and talkative yet somehow I manage to hold it all inside. It's getting very hard to communicate/mask. Every night I feel fine. I feel scared and sad, but I feel the most normal at this time. When I wake up, it starts all over again. I wake up in panic attack mode and drag myself to work. I swear to god I can't help myself anymore. Nothing I do helps and it's too exhausting. I think I'm just gonna keep letting myself suffer because I'm so sick of trying to get help and then have it not help. I know this is just an episode but jesus christ it's so f^cking scary. I believe everything my brain tells me but I don't even know what it's telling me. All I know is there's this extreme PUSH to be flooded with extreme sadness and anxiety, and it's very REAL. I feel like I need to be locked up and studied. I truly feel alone in this condition because I genuinely believe there is no one in this world who has been having these symptoms the way I do. Four years of this, several mental health professionals, and I still don't have an answer. When will I be able to rest? Even reading this message makes me think "that's not me. where did I go?" There's not even a specific reason why i'm feeling so extremely horrible. It starts as a pure OCD attack about something and then before I know it I spend a week crying. Anyway I have work in the morning I don't know how I keep going and getting out of bed every day knowing that ending up like this is definitely a possibility. I really don't know how I'm still alive. Something is extremely wrong with me and no one seems to understand just how bad it is. What do I need to do in order to get someone to understand the severity of it all? I wish nothing but healing and peace and permanent remission for all of you tough souls ❤️

Username: ejohnson0788ejohnson0788

Date posted: 37w ago

I can assure you you’re not alone. I’ve been battling since I was a kid. I feel it has taken a toll on my relationships with my family and especially my kid. Most recently I’ve been going through an episode that has caused me to question myself and my core values all day every day. It caused me to stop eating, talking, and wanting to be around anyone. I can tell you there is hope! I don’t know how you feel about meds, but I’ve chatted with my Dr. and have found them semi helpful. It basically knocks the edge off just a little and allows me to process the thoughts in a different way. I’m sure most people on this forum have felt similar at one point in time! We can all get through this together!

Username: Iloveyou0820!Iloveyou0820!

Date posted: 37w ago

I feel like I wrote this post , I feel the most normal at night to and morning is straight panic

Username: OCDFamilyOCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 37w ago

Keep trying different things to help. There is hope for all of us. Self care, exercise, ocd specific therapy, meds, forums !

Username: Jman02Jman02

Date posted: 37w ago

I know exactly how you feel. All the therapists I was forced to go to as a kid did not know what was best for me and thought I was lashing out because of ODD not OCD and that I should be punished. Pure OCD is a real pain. Sleep is fine for me, the intrusive thoughts do not follow me into my dreams. But when I wake up, its like a tsunami of intrusive thoughts all at once. You have to expose yourself to the thoughts without compulsing and seeking reassurance. Let it sit in your head, don't acknowledge it. If you try a compulsion, it will just come back. Its like the hydra, cut of one head two will grow back. If you wake up and see this message, and you want someone to talk to about your thoughts, let me know

Username: Jersey JayneJersey Jayne

Date posted: 37w ago

@Jman02 I'm not even sure what my intrusive thoughts are, though. All I know is I'm terrified of how depressed my mind is and I constantly want to cry. I'm constantly on edge and afraid of my own mind. I'm afraid of never snapping out of it. I have this overwhelming need to understand why I'm feeling the way I am, I need an explanation, and I can never have one, which makes me feel worse.

Username: Jman02Jman02

Date posted: 37w ago

@Jersey Jayne - It seems like the intrusive thoughts are hopelessness that things won't get better and depression. Crying is the compulsion. Maybe you have profectionism OCD? It seems like you are your own biggest critic and it doesn't help if you don't have a good support group out there. I would struggle to get assignments done especially essay related because I would comb over every word and obsess that the assignment is bad and have to compulse by using synonyms to repetitive words to sound fancier. Try to expose yourself to the thoughts of self- doubt. Live with the uncertainty on how others might judge you. Hold back the tears as much as you can until it becomes too much. Try this everyday. I promise you, eventually you'll brain will stop caring and you can wake up refreshed and not obsessed! Hope this helps

Username: Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMeDon’tLoveDra...

Date posted: 37w ago

Reading your post is like reading my own diary💔 I’m not going to just tell you “your not alone” cause sometimes that just feels invalidating Especially when OCD is super duper personal with false memories Often times we are trying to navigate a personal hell not quite like anyone else has before But since us OCD people are ALL in some way ALONE we are also in this together. (Not sure if that’s helpful or makes sense lol) ALSO you CANNOT think your way out of rumination. Here is a technique that helps me: (warning it sounds more complicated then it is) Breath in through nose for 5 seconds Then HOLD breath for 5 (trust me the HOLD makes ALL the difference) Breath out through mouth for 5 seconds this is called Diaphramic Breathing Ok so now here is the actual thing: Find and name out loud: 5 things you can see 4 things you can hear 3 things you can touch 2 things you can smell 1 thing you can taste (Do Diaphramic breathing in between EACH step👍) TIP look around both sides of the room or just utilize stuff as far apart as possible This will be like “bilateral stimulation” which will get your logical side of the brain working This is important cause OCD is emotionally motivated.

Username: Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMeDon’tLoveDra...

Date posted: 37w ago

I do have this one life lesson (that I still struggle with lol) Every human has intrinsic value that never goes up or down. The reason working hard matters is so society can work together to survive but the point is not to be productive, it is to survive so we can just be. Even people with CRAZY views that think we should kill others for the greater good, only do that cause they care about lives in the first place. we miss THE answer that is right in front of us: We’re intrinsically worthy. Yes our actions have value in the sense they have a cause and effect, But being in pain or not being in pain does not change your intrinsic worth. We shouldn’t do things to earn worth we should do things to help each-other and enjoy life. I truly think that PRIDE and SHAME are NOT opposites but the fuel of each other Humbleness is the cure. Which is UN-CONDITIONAL love for others and yourself Basically regardless of anything don’t love yourself more or less just focus on helping others💗 and when you make a moral mistake have “good-guilt” (which is empathy for the person you hurt that motivates you to change) ANYWAY LOL thought I would share idk if it’s helpful for this specific thing you got going on but I shared anyway haha

Username: Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMeDon’tLoveDra...

Date posted: 37w ago

Something my therapist told me for mental compulsions is don’t just try to repress the thoughts OR take them seriously Recognize without judgement (sounds weird to sorta respect thoughts about hurting others haha but bear with me) All of your thoughts/brain in general is a Library. You can pick up a book you see and read the title without reading the whole book right? So basically do not “Check-Out” intrusive thoughts or mental compulsions Just gently put it back on the shelf. WAAAY EASIER SAID THAN DONE HAHA (I apologize for the spam of comments I have them in my notes app to copy and paste lol)

Username: Don’tLoveDrama-itLovesMeDon’tLoveDra...

Date posted: 37w ago

https://unstuckmyocd.com/ This app can be a game changer

Username: mummers

Date posted: 5y ago

*venting* I’m so tired of life. I just woke up, and I feel like going back to bed and sleep until this nightmare passes. This week has been one of the hardest of my life. I don’t think I can face another day of intrusive thoughts, fear, anxiety. I need some moments of relief, but there are none. I wanna have a life again. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts have killed my social life, my ambitions and desires, my happiness. I’ve been fighting for the past 6 months for nothing. I don’t see any improvement. I’m on day 3 of Lexapro and of course i can’t tell if it’s gonna work for me or not. I’m on the first stages of ERP therapy and I still haven’t got any assigned homework to work on, which I really need because I need to feel like I’m doing SOMETHING to help myself with ocd and Gad. I just hope someone could just take out whatever part of my brain isn’t working properly and replace it with a new piece. I don’t wanna feel like a burden to my family or boyfriend anymore. I can’t believe all the damage that I’m causing. I don’t know what to do with all this self hate. I don’t know where to turn to. I seem to have all the help that one could need - therapy, medication, support system. Yet I feel like I can’t spend another day living like this.

Username: Nate_093

Date posted: 1y ago

Mentally cornered

I don't know what to do anymore nothing I do to try and get over this real event ocd helps. My day goes like this - 4am, wake up in sudden panic attacks where it's near impossible to get back to sleep. - The I don't deserve thoughts start instantly eg I don't deserve to relax/sleep, I don't deserve to have thoughts, I don't deserve the sound of the birds outside, I don't deserve anything really. - Following this depression kicks off and because I feel down it makes the "I don't deserve thoughts totally believable. - I start to mentally punish myself - I try to break the cycle by doing this things anyway, but this takes so much energy. Something I have limited of in the first place due to lack of sleep. - The rest of the day continues with my moods going up and down like a roller coaster. - Later in the day I start to panic, as I know the anxiety attack that inevitably awaits the next morning. - I spiral into hopelessness wondering what is actually going to stop my head. I start looking for answers (do I contact the guy that I hurt?). - I try to be functional for my partner in life, but I fail and constantly break down crying. - I try to enjoy a bit of tv before bed before medicating and going to bed stressed knowing this is about to start again tomorrow. I'm not sure where to go from here people, I'm quickly running out of energy and will power to deal with this groundhog day effect, I need to see results!. My psychologist keeps trying to dig through my past and she doesn't understand ocd whatsoever. I'm tempted to go up the hospital, but they're just going to drug me up and send me home despite having no understanding of ocd as well... I'm literally cornered... I've got no options. I just wait around all day waiting for something to give and if I keep going down this path it's going to be my mind and body. Has anyone else been where I am and can offer some advice?

Username: TakeBackYour...

Date posted: 49w ago

I can’t go on much longer like this.

I’m sure everyone reading can relate. I’m tired of over analyzing my memory. I’m tired of being convinced that my worst fears are true. I’m tired of faking every emotion to everyone. Tired of breaking down and sobbing and begging for this to get better. Tired of watching this disorder completely change me and deteriorate my relationships and my will to live and keep going. This episode has lasted since mid-November. It’s mid January. I am running out of options. You all are so beautiful and kind for being on this forum and offering each other support. I can’t keep living like this. Every single morning I cry, then cry throughout the day, and can’t really explain to my loved ones/friends what’s going on, because OCD is such a nuanced disease. False memory has completely taken what’s left of me. I legitimately just feel like there’s nothing left of the real me. All I see everyday is this anxious creature trying to survive and begging for the suffering to stop.

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Scared of who I'm going to be when I wake up

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