I miss my OCD friend

I had a friend last year who shared his OCD experiences with me and we bonded a lot over how we ruminated on stuff and how debilitating it was to exist as Queer people with OCD. We had a lot in common and a lot not in common. Unfortunately, because my harm and relationship OCD is so bad, I would constantly worry about harming him, especially since I am white and he is a person of color and happens to be less financially privileged than me. He has some form of relationship and harm OCD as well, but he was also extremely insecure and would get triggered by so many things. Understandably so. We’d have endless conversations about race and class and gender and sexuality, and they were enjoyable to an extent, but I always felt like most of the things I said or thought was wrong and harmful and that I needed to make up for it by doing everything I could to make him happy and comfortable, but it ended up I would agree to things I didn’t really want to do with him. We got into several huge arguments because he felt betrayed and hurt when I backed out of things I initially agreed to, I do this a lot, and I would feel overwhelming amounts of guilt and shame for harming him. I felt like I was caught in a loop of trying and never being good enough, and he would rage at me and I would cry and then he would try to comfort me, but I felt powerless and like I could never express my true feelings with him without being critiqued or criticized. He and his whole family would poke fun at me for being a “privileged white boy,” which I tried to be okay with because it’s true. But it really did poke a sore spot. I would get it in my head that I’m just a racist, terrible person and wonder why he even bothered being my friend if I was so obnoxious to him. But I also just felt like our relationship was causing me too much stress and rumination so I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore. But I really miss hanging out with him and the good times. I miss the conversations we had and the ways we used to relate and try and help each other with our mental health. I don’t miss him talking about wanting to have sex with me a lot and getting defensive when I told him to stop. I don’t miss when he would rage at me and make a confrontation turn into multiple hour-long critiques of society. I don’t miss him dismissing me asking him to give me space to focus on a task at hand as “being dismissive of real problems” because “white people never want to talk about racism,” which just wasn’t true because I spend a lot of time talking about race and racism and learning, I just can’t multi-task while I’m driving or trying to play a game and I have a really hard time with commitments and focusing. I do have ADHD as well, which isn’t always an excuse, yet I don’t think he understood how debilitating my lack of ability to focus really is, so he would constantly get angry at me for forgetting things or not being able to multi-task and I just felt like a fuck-up. But I do miss playing video games and talking about cartoons and hanging out. I don’t know what to do. I keep wanting to talk to him but it never, ever goes well. Am I just too fragile? Am I just too afraid to take accountability for my racism? I know relationships are a two-way street. And I try not to demonize him or myself in my head. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad for us to talk with each other.

Username: Cats in the darkCats in the ...

Date posted: 31w ago

You're better off without him in my opinion. It sounds like a toxic relationship. He keeps saying he wants to have sex with you even when you say to stop and doesn't respect your boundaries. You don't need someone like that in your life. I understand you miss the good times and that's normal but remember he hurt you a lot too. Im 100% sure you'll find better friends and its absolutely not okay for him to constantly accuse you of being privileged and racist etc. You seem like a great person.

Username: fruitbat42069fruitbat42069

Date posted: 31w ago

@Cats in the dark I appreciate it. All my friends tell me this, too. Yet I still get so many doubts in my head because I worry so much about perpetuating racism. I think a weird compulsion that I have is watching video after video after video or donating so much to try to “absolve” myself of racism. But like… i know realistically that that’s not a thing I can do, and it just reinforces my anxiety. I do still learn a lot about anti-racism, but the anxiety never subsides. I also tend to run my financials into the ground because I give my money away to people so much and end up having to rely on my parents for money. I need healthier coping skills, ‘cause I’m not great at respecting myself this way. I’m just letting my life be consumed by guilt and responsibility.

Username: Cats in the darkCats in the ...

Date posted: 31w ago

@jtismybro Racism isn't your responsibility. It's good to be conscious of your privilege but most racism is systemic. So its built into society. It's okay to donate some money but you don't need to give everything away to absolve yourself, that sounds like a compulsion. Allocate yourself a small amount of money for donations and thats it, don't spend more. Or maybe volunteer instead, that would have a bigger impact. Try to get therapy as well and don't get back to your toxic friend. He was trying to use your guilt for his own benefits

Username: fruitbat42069fruitbat42069

Date posted: 31w ago

@Cats in the dark You’re right. I appreciate you laying that out for me clearly, thank you.

Username: ToshiToshi

Date posted: 31w ago

I relate to this a lot. I recently had to enforce boundaries with my best friend / partner I’ve been with for the past 5 years. She supported me when I was outed and she used that guilt and racial guilt as well to emotionally, financially, and physically abuse me while we were together. I essentially became her flying monkey because I would give in to that. I gave her access to my savings and bank accounts and now I’ve been working for the past five years and don’t have any savings or money to show for it. She also fraudulently opened up a credit card in my name and has been using that as well. Because I had to flag that it’s going to be a while before I can get a credit card, and I lost my job because she told me that it was a waste of my time and I need to work for her for free because I owe her. It’s been such a vicious cycle as I try to listen to my true feelings about things but she was telling me that doesn’t matter, and all that matters is that I support her now with any money I make. She has used ocd against me for years now and even sat in on my phone psych appointments to make sure I wasn’t saying anything about her, and telling the psychiatrist and therapist that I’m the abusive one.

Username: fruitbat42069fruitbat42069

Date posted: 31w ago

@Toshi Wow, that sounds so damaging. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Sitting in on your therapy appointments is especially horrible, because she has full control over everything in your life and there’s nowhere safe for you to go. I hope you’re out of that relationship now.

Username: fruitbat42069fruitbat42069

Date posted: 31w ago

@Toshi It was difficult with my therapist, too. Talk therapy didn’t seem to be working great for me, and felt more like i was just dwelling on the same feelings again and again. At a point, it felt like they weren’t really helping me with anything, just talking to me like a friend would. And they would enforce their own therapeutic boundaries, but when I would mess up by missing an appointment because of my ADHD, they couldn’t accommodate for that, and I was losing money to missed therapy appointments because of my forgetfulness. My therapist also told me it seemed like I was acting like my boyfriend’s mom, which really bothers me, in hindsight, not just because I’m a trans man and that gave me dysphoria, but also because now I ruminate on that, too. And also when I shared the situation with my OCD friend, they told me they believe victims of abuse but also victims of racism, so it was a complex situation. Which I agreed with. So, It felt like they were just reinforcing everything I already said and thought, not giving me any new perspectives. That didn’t help me at all, it just kept me in cycles of wondering again and again how to handle the situation and spending so much time dwelling on it.

Username: Anonymous 99

Date posted: 1y ago

Please Help - Is this OCD

Hey everyone, I’m hoping someone can help. Long story short, I have a childhood friend who in HS we became romantically interested in each other, loved each other and then over the years it was to painful because we couldn’t be together because of religious reasons. I blocked him because of the pain, and then we would run into each other a lot and I would block and unblock him as we reconnected over the past 5 years. Well I unblocked him, and we reconnected again - just as friends, but emotionally every time I unblock I feel like I’m a mess. Like I have the obsessive thinking about him and I just feel emotionally tied down even though we are not together. It then makes me want to block him again (which I don’t want to do bc I know that’s messed up), but idk how to just have my brain realize it’s okay we are just friends. Idk if this even makes sense, my brain just feels so black and white and it’s so anxious.

Username: Isabella G.

Date posted: 1y ago

My OCD story and my plea for help….

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?

Username: SophiaCalypso

Date posted: 1y ago

Saddness

I feel like OCD ruins so much. My boyfriend broke up with me because of it. It got to a point where I made him do compulsions (ex: open and close the door a certain amount of times). I have OCD in combination with PTSD so I would get triggers often. He got to a point where he got up and left me while I was at work and cut contact completely. I don’t know how to feel and I feel like a failure. It’s been two months and my OCD has been nonstop telling me I was an abuser or narcissistic and that’s why he left. Everyone tells me I’m a broken record… but they don’t know that this is torture for me, too. I wish I could start over with my ex, but I can’t, and that bothers my OCD, too. Lack of control. I also seem to have memory issues in that relationship, I can’t remember what happened or not, and I’m not sure if that’s part of my OCD.

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