I need insight My husband and I are separated recently I’m only 27 feel like such a failure. 3 years ago I had a massive breakdown and became extremely internalised due to oCD so I forgot to ask him how his day was and things about him. However things got a bit better for me and we planned our wedding. However 6 months after my husband had an affair... I only found this out in January this year. Between marriage and that happening he says he felt so neglected by me that he was almost contemplating suicide. I myself was going through it with OCD and wasn’t very stable either. And he says that’s what lead him to the affair as it was a relief to feel attractive etc. Last September we finally admitted something was wrong between us and went to see a counsellor however I didn’t know about the affair then and s lot of stuff was found out to be my fault in the relationship. According to the counsellor. Then I found out about the affair and it’s been hard to make it work as I feel it spiralled my anxiety more due to lack of trust but also finding out all I had done wrong also. OCD has lost me my marriage. But is it right to compare mental health and an affair?

rose_rott

Date posted: 5y

Then I guess the communication issue was on his part. He should have told you instead of going off to cheat like that. There is sincerely no excuse for having an affair and giving people trust issues for the rest of their lives.

Mr.AKS

Date posted: 5y

Hey Cjx, I hope this helps. I went through something similar with my wonderful girlfriend of 7 years recently within the past 8-9 months. I had struggled with a couple anxiety disorders and a depressive disorder most of my life, due to a childhood illness and sexual abuse. As I made it through those circumstances and got older, I thought I “got over them”. Even though I struggled with the anxiety and depression. When I was 16, I met my best friend and girlfriend. After a year of us dating she was kicked out of her house by her parents due to personal conflict between their values. She had and still lives with me and my family. Overall I found our relationship to be amazing, probably the best of my life, she made me feel important and loved unconditionally and did everything she could to make sure I was happy and felt secure. I loved her and still love her to this day. Because unfortunately She put up with some unhealthy controlling, possessive and manipulative behaviours of mine that stemmed from previous trauma. I enforced this idea upon her and I’s relationship about loyalty and faithfullness. I was scared she wouldnt want me or shed leave me. about 3 years ago she developed OCD. (Something, I had worked on recovering from for years). But I did everything I could to help her, pushed for appointments for her, everything. But it was bad enough that she began to become consumed and eventually started to distance from me, physically (Contamination OCD) and emotionally because of the anxiety she experienced. I did everything I could to try to get her to get better and get support from a counsellor. She was too consumed at the time. Over the past year and a bit she stopped being physically affectionate and almost completely emotionally affectionate. It killed me to see her like that, but it was also hashing up childhood trauma I had avoided for years. I began to also become consumed with OCD again. Around that same time, we started to hang out with a small group of friends, consisting of me, my ex girlfriend, a mutual long time friend of ours, my cousin, and this new girl who was friends with my cousin. This new girl really fit in with our small group of 4. She became best friends with my ex girlfriend. And as a group we all worked on helping and supported each other. We all started to make gradual progress. Things were really good, we had small get togethers for christmas, thanks giving etc. And saw one another almost everyday for the past year. Around January, my girlfriend and I really started to run into issues. We were fighting far too often like cats and dogs, and I was feeling very rejected and scared. I clung on to trying to help her, but burntout and felt like I couldnt talk to anyone due to fear of upsetting them. It was around this time that me, my best friend and this new girl, began hanging out alone from my ex and my cousin. Then it was just me and this new girl. My girlfriend didnt seem to mind, because she knew this new girl had alot of her own emotional stuff and thought i could help her, due to my mental health training. So I started hanging out with this new girl almost every day and ( still with the group). But would be alone woth her, when I would drop her off at home. We would talk in the car for hours about each others struggles and we became close over the months of February to mid- april. Through that whole time, my girlfriend and I drifted more and more but the group would still hang out. I felt more and more rejected by my ex and more and more cared about by this new girl. I started to develop a non-platonic interest in the new girl. At the end of april, me and this new girl were talking in the car by ourselves as usual late at night. When she told me that she had very strong feelings for me, I made a poorly thought out decision of expressing my feelings to her as well. From that night, April 26th to May 19th ( The day my girlfriend and I broke up) this girl and I kissed a couple of times and held hands. There was no intercourse of any kind, no sexting, no nudes etc. But poor decisions none the less. I cared deeply for both of these women. But on may 19th me and my girlfriend of 7 years broke up, we had both been in a codependent, enmeshed unhealthy relationship. But it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. If I had these feelings for this other girl and was willing to even hold hands with her, than my ex girlfriends and I’s relationship was over. It was hard but my ex stilled lived with me, not much changed in any of the relationships involved. There was nothing more than kissing and hand holding on a couple more occasions. Over the months of June, July things were starting to get better. I still had not told my girlfriend about me and the other girl, but everything was going pretty well. I knew I had to talk to my girlfriend about it, but my girlfriend and I began to get along better than we had ever gotten along, she still lived with me and my family but we were thriving together. It felt good, but lead to me falling into the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt. The guilt consumed my life. And I became reclusive and anxious all the time. And ended up explaining everything in detail to my girlfriend the beginning of august. It killed me to see her that upset, I felt ashamed and felt I deserved to die, for hurting the only person to treat me like i mattered. She was mad and blocked this other girl. I had stopped see the other girl around the end of july out of respect for my girlfriend, which worsened the other girls mental health, that she had already been struggling worth. They both treated me like a king. And I hurt them both dearly. Throughout august my girlfriend and I had intercourse a couple of times, for the first time in a long time, it was like a closure thing. We slowly worked together on ourselves and were individually going to counselling. We had fights and conversations about this and are still processing it together as friends. We are both working on ourselves while supporting each other as friends. My ex girlfriend is in counselling for her ocd and to process the situation and shes even reconnecting with her family in a healthy way. I on the other hand am really really struggling because now I am left all this unprocessed trauma from childhood/losing a significant relationship and crushing guilt ridden depression for hurting someone I love. I have a hard time living with this, I feel guilty but both my girlfriend and I contributed to the downfall of us. Its not anyones fault, and therein lies the secret. Its not because I didnt love her, its because neither of us, were working on bettering our mental health. I made poor decisions but I will always love her and be there for her if and when she needs me. You are a beautiful, capable and lovable human, just like my ex girlfriend. Just know that just because guys dont always show it, they do care more than you think, and they do hurt and feel guilt very intensely. Sometimes we need a lesson not a soulmate. I am immensely sorry for your guys relationship ending, but let love for each other as humans conquer all.

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

It sounds like you’ve both struggled with mental health and that struggle has manifested in different ways: you withheld and he acted out. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Are you two still doing counseling together? Are you seeing anyone on your own? I think both could be helpful. If you’ve never watched talks by Ester Perel, I’d highly recommend them. She’s a genius in modern love and particularly infidelity: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q

rose_rott

Date posted: 5y

Him believing it’s a choice is his problem. Naturally checking wasn’t good but you already recognize that. Also? It’s not an excuse to have an affair. What I can see here is that both of you lacked something important in a relationship: communication.

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

I’d encourage you to see a therapist on your own to help you get through this time. Regardless of why the affair happened or what contributed to it: it happened. You have to grieve a huge loss, heal deep wounds of betrayal, and take responsibility for figuring out how to be a better partner in the future. That’s no easy task and you deserve all the support in the world right now.

Cjx

Date posted: 5y

I am seeing a therapist xx

Cjx

Date posted: 5y

The funny thing is rose-r0t I feel I always told him everything.....every fear....I just dunno

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

Great! Good luck getting through this loss. I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but if you put in the work, you can do it.

Mr.AKS

Date posted: 5y

There are never excuses, only reasons.

Cjx

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for your honesty Mr.AKS. I really appreciate it.

Cjx

Date posted: 5y

Oh wow pureolife I never thought of it like that. No we are separated and most likely getting divorced. It’s not a good time. Thank you I will definitely take a look x

Cjx

Date posted: 5y

I think he always knew what I was going through and he knew about the OCD but he seemed to believe it was choice like me choosing to check over choosing him. As it would make me stay late at work. Once he was ill and I was still late (which is awful I know I was just listening to the ocd voice) I made sure his mum checked on him so awful the extent it gets in the way x

justaporch

Date posted: 25w

my (OCD?) story

Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.

Relationship OCD

misereri

Date posted: 20w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Confession need

I just got off my session today and after having a confession to my husband last night with a compulsion, he obviously is going to have more questions. My therapist says not to confess because I am growing my OCD . However, this is really OCD and is about something that actually happened. My husband said, that it sounds like I have someone in my life who is justifying withholding information or lying to him. Of course when I have my obsession compulsions, he makes sense. Can somebody help explain this to me? How is my husband not right or is he?

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