- Username
- Cjx
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Then I guess the communication issue was on his part. He should have told you instead of going off to cheat like that. There is sincerely no excuse for having an affair and giving people trust issues for the rest of their lives.
Hey Cjx, I hope this helps. I went through something similar with my wonderful girlfriend of 7 years recently within the past 8-9 months. I had struggled with a couple anxiety disorders and a depressive disorder most of my life, due to a childhood illness and sexual abuse. As I made it through those circumstances and got older, I thought I “got over them”. Even though I struggled with the anxiety and depression. When I was 16, I met my best friend and girlfriend. After a year of us dating she was kicked out of her house by her parents due to personal conflict between their values. She had and still lives with me and my family. Overall I found our relationship to be amazing, probably the best of my life, she made me feel important and loved unconditionally and did everything she could to make sure I was happy and felt secure. I loved her and still love her to this day. Because unfortunately She put up with some unhealthy controlling, possessive and manipulative behaviours of mine that stemmed from previous trauma. I enforced this idea upon her and I’s relationship about loyalty and faithfullness. I was scared she wouldnt want me or shed leave me. about 3 years ago she developed OCD. (Something, I had worked on recovering from for years). But I did everything I could to help her, pushed for appointments for her, everything. But it was bad enough that she began to become consumed and eventually started to distance from me, physically (Contamination OCD) and emotionally because of the anxiety she experienced. I did everything I could to try to get her to get better and get support from a counsellor. She was too consumed at the time. Over the past year and a bit she stopped being physically affectionate and almost completely emotionally affectionate. It killed me to see her like that, but it was also hashing up childhood trauma I had avoided for years. I began to also become consumed with OCD again. Around that same time, we started to hang out with a small group of friends, consisting of me, my ex girlfriend, a mutual long time friend of ours, my cousin, and this new girl who was friends with my cousin. This new girl really fit in with our small group of 4. She became best friends with my ex girlfriend. And as a group we all worked on helping and supported each other. We all started to make gradual progress. Things were really good, we had small get togethers for christmas, thanks giving etc. And saw one another almost everyday for the past year. Around January, my girlfriend and I really started to run into issues. We were fighting far too often like cats and dogs, and I was feeling very rejected and scared. I clung on to trying to help her, but burntout and felt like I couldnt talk to anyone due to fear of upsetting them. It was around this time that me, my best friend and this new girl, began hanging out alone from my ex and my cousin. Then it was just me and this new girl. My girlfriend didnt seem to mind, because she knew this new girl had alot of her own emotional stuff and thought i could help her, due to my mental health training. So I started hanging out with this new girl almost every day and ( still with the group). But would be alone woth her, when I would drop her off at home. We would talk in the car for hours about each others struggles and we became close over the months of February to mid- april. Through that whole time, my girlfriend and I drifted more and more but the group would still hang out. I felt more and more rejected by my ex and more and more cared about by this new girl. I started to develop a non-platonic interest in the new girl. At the end of april, me and this new girl were talking in the car by ourselves as usual late at night. When she told me that she had very strong feelings for me, I made a poorly thought out decision of expressing my feelings to her as well. From that night, April 26th to May 19th ( The day my girlfriend and I broke up) this girl and I kissed a couple of times and held hands. There was no intercourse of any kind, no sexting, no nudes etc. But poor decisions none the less. I cared deeply for both of these women. But on may 19th me and my girlfriend of 7 years broke up, we had both been in a codependent, enmeshed unhealthy relationship. But it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. If I had these feelings for this other girl and was willing to even hold hands with her, than my ex girlfriends and I’s relationship was over. It was hard but my ex stilled lived with me, not much changed in any of the relationships involved. There was nothing more than kissing and hand holding on a couple more occasions. Over the months of June, July things were starting to get better. I still had not told my girlfriend about me and the other girl, but everything was going pretty well. I knew I had to talk to my girlfriend about it, but my girlfriend and I began to get along better than we had ever gotten along, she still lived with me and my family but we were thriving together. It felt good, but lead to me falling into the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt. The guilt consumed my life. And I became reclusive and anxious all the time. And ended up explaining everything in detail to my girlfriend the beginning of august. It killed me to see her that upset, I felt ashamed and felt I deserved to die, for hurting the only person to treat me like i mattered. She was mad and blocked this other girl. I had stopped see the other girl around the end of july out of respect for my girlfriend, which worsened the other girls mental health, that she had already been struggling worth. They both treated me like a king. And I hurt them both dearly. Throughout august my girlfriend and I had intercourse a couple of times, for the first time in a long time, it was like a closure thing. We slowly worked together on ourselves and were individually going to counselling. We had fights and conversations about this and are still processing it together as friends. We are both working on ourselves while supporting each other as friends. My ex girlfriend is in counselling for her ocd and to process the situation and shes even reconnecting with her family in a healthy way. I on the other hand am really really struggling because now I am left all this unprocessed trauma from childhood/losing a significant relationship and crushing guilt ridden depression for hurting someone I love. I have a hard time living with this, I feel guilty but both my girlfriend and I contributed to the downfall of us. Its not anyones fault, and therein lies the secret. Its not because I didnt love her, its because neither of us, were working on bettering our mental health. I made poor decisions but I will always love her and be there for her if and when she needs me. You are a beautiful, capable and lovable human, just like my ex girlfriend. Just know that just because guys dont always show it, they do care more than you think, and they do hurt and feel guilt very intensely. Sometimes we need a lesson not a soulmate. I am immensely sorry for your guys relationship ending, but let love for each other as humans conquer all.
It sounds like you’ve both struggled with mental health and that struggle has manifested in different ways: you withheld and he acted out. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Are you two still doing counseling together? Are you seeing anyone on your own? I think both could be helpful. If you’ve never watched talks by Ester Perel, I’d highly recommend them. She’s a genius in modern love and particularly infidelity: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q
Him believing it’s a choice is his problem. Naturally checking wasn’t good but you already recognize that. Also? It’s not an excuse to have an affair. What I can see here is that both of you lacked something important in a relationship: communication.
I’d encourage you to see a therapist on your own to help you get through this time. Regardless of why the affair happened or what contributed to it: it happened. You have to grieve a huge loss, heal deep wounds of betrayal, and take responsibility for figuring out how to be a better partner in the future. That’s no easy task and you deserve all the support in the world right now.
I am seeing a therapist xx
The funny thing is rose-r0t I feel I always told him everything.....every fear....I just dunno
Great! Good luck getting through this loss. I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but if you put in the work, you can do it.
There are never excuses, only reasons.
Thank you for your honesty Mr.AKS. I really appreciate it.
Oh wow pureolife I never thought of it like that. No we are separated and most likely getting divorced. It’s not a good time. Thank you I will definitely take a look x
I think he always knew what I was going through and he knew about the OCD but he seemed to believe it was choice like me choosing to check over choosing him. As it would make me stay late at work. Once he was ill and I was still late (which is awful I know I was just listening to the ocd voice) I made sure his mum checked on him so awful the extent it gets in the way x
Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?
I have been with my SO going in 13 years now. We met in college and have been together ever since. We got married in 2021 and welcomed a baby girl in the world last year. I had a severe mental breakdown in 2013 that landed me in the hospital because I was contemplating suicide. That breakdown nearly destroyed our relationship. I had severe intrusive thoughts and felt the need to tell him all of them. I felt like if I didn’t tell him, I was lying. I destroyed his self esteem, telling him all of the mean thoughts I had about him. I would feel the need to tell him anytime I saw an attractive guy in public, I questioned our relationship and told him I wasn’t sure if I loved him anymore. It was bad and very dark. Fast forward to now and I feel like I’m letting him down in different ways. I don’t feel the need to tell him every thought I have now but since having my daughter my OCD and depression seem to be getting worse. I just feel like I’m no longer happy and my daughter should’ve had a mom that wasn’t damaged like me. Didn’t have the abusive childhood like me. Wasn’t broken like me. I feel so much guilt. It’s putting such a strain on our relationship and I feel like my husband deserves someone better. Someone whose happier.
Does anyone have any tips for a breakup when you also had/have ROCD? Just found out a few days ago that my partner of 8.5 years was having an affair and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. My heart is completely broken. I had spent the last year healing from ROCD and had genuinely got back to a place where I felt more certain again and back in love but now I have no idea where all of that fits in my life now. He also blames me hurting him as one of the reasons he cheated which is so unfair. I know I hurt him because I did confess all my thoughts to him before I knew what ROCD was, but since learning about it and healing from it I tried so many times to share that it wasn't ever actually about him but he never really understood. He never asked me about this side of my mental health, he just maybe wasn't interested and I'm so angry and upset about that.
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