- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
Then I guess the communication issue was on his part. He should have told you instead of going off to cheat like that. There is sincerely no excuse for having an affair and giving people trust issues for the rest of their lives.
- Date posted
- 6y
Hey Cjx, I hope this helps. I went through something similar with my wonderful girlfriend of 7 years recently within the past 8-9 months. I had struggled with a couple anxiety disorders and a depressive disorder most of my life, due to a childhood illness and sexual abuse. As I made it through those circumstances and got older, I thought I “got over them”. Even though I struggled with the anxiety and depression. When I was 16, I met my best friend and girlfriend. After a year of us dating she was kicked out of her house by her parents due to personal conflict between their values. She had and still lives with me and my family. Overall I found our relationship to be amazing, probably the best of my life, she made me feel important and loved unconditionally and did everything she could to make sure I was happy and felt secure. I loved her and still love her to this day. Because unfortunately She put up with some unhealthy controlling, possessive and manipulative behaviours of mine that stemmed from previous trauma. I enforced this idea upon her and I’s relationship about loyalty and faithfullness. I was scared she wouldnt want me or shed leave me. about 3 years ago she developed OCD. (Something, I had worked on recovering from for years). But I did everything I could to help her, pushed for appointments for her, everything. But it was bad enough that she began to become consumed and eventually started to distance from me, physically (Contamination OCD) and emotionally because of the anxiety she experienced. I did everything I could to try to get her to get better and get support from a counsellor. She was too consumed at the time. Over the past year and a bit she stopped being physically affectionate and almost completely emotionally affectionate. It killed me to see her like that, but it was also hashing up childhood trauma I had avoided for years. I began to also become consumed with OCD again. Around that same time, we started to hang out with a small group of friends, consisting of me, my ex girlfriend, a mutual long time friend of ours, my cousin, and this new girl who was friends with my cousin. This new girl really fit in with our small group of 4. She became best friends with my ex girlfriend. And as a group we all worked on helping and supported each other. We all started to make gradual progress. Things were really good, we had small get togethers for christmas, thanks giving etc. And saw one another almost everyday for the past year. Around January, my girlfriend and I really started to run into issues. We were fighting far too often like cats and dogs, and I was feeling very rejected and scared. I clung on to trying to help her, but burntout and felt like I couldnt talk to anyone due to fear of upsetting them. It was around this time that me, my best friend and this new girl, began hanging out alone from my ex and my cousin. Then it was just me and this new girl. My girlfriend didnt seem to mind, because she knew this new girl had alot of her own emotional stuff and thought i could help her, due to my mental health training. So I started hanging out with this new girl almost every day and ( still with the group). But would be alone woth her, when I would drop her off at home. We would talk in the car for hours about each others struggles and we became close over the months of February to mid- april. Through that whole time, my girlfriend and I drifted more and more but the group would still hang out. I felt more and more rejected by my ex and more and more cared about by this new girl. I started to develop a non-platonic interest in the new girl. At the end of april, me and this new girl were talking in the car by ourselves as usual late at night. When she told me that she had very strong feelings for me, I made a poorly thought out decision of expressing my feelings to her as well. From that night, April 26th to May 19th ( The day my girlfriend and I broke up) this girl and I kissed a couple of times and held hands. There was no intercourse of any kind, no sexting, no nudes etc. But poor decisions none the less. I cared deeply for both of these women. But on may 19th me and my girlfriend of 7 years broke up, we had both been in a codependent, enmeshed unhealthy relationship. But it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. If I had these feelings for this other girl and was willing to even hold hands with her, than my ex girlfriends and I’s relationship was over. It was hard but my ex stilled lived with me, not much changed in any of the relationships involved. There was nothing more than kissing and hand holding on a couple more occasions. Over the months of June, July things were starting to get better. I still had not told my girlfriend about me and the other girl, but everything was going pretty well. I knew I had to talk to my girlfriend about it, but my girlfriend and I began to get along better than we had ever gotten along, she still lived with me and my family but we were thriving together. It felt good, but lead to me falling into the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt. The guilt consumed my life. And I became reclusive and anxious all the time. And ended up explaining everything in detail to my girlfriend the beginning of august. It killed me to see her that upset, I felt ashamed and felt I deserved to die, for hurting the only person to treat me like i mattered. She was mad and blocked this other girl. I had stopped see the other girl around the end of july out of respect for my girlfriend, which worsened the other girls mental health, that she had already been struggling worth. They both treated me like a king. And I hurt them both dearly. Throughout august my girlfriend and I had intercourse a couple of times, for the first time in a long time, it was like a closure thing. We slowly worked together on ourselves and were individually going to counselling. We had fights and conversations about this and are still processing it together as friends. We are both working on ourselves while supporting each other as friends. My ex girlfriend is in counselling for her ocd and to process the situation and shes even reconnecting with her family in a healthy way. I on the other hand am really really struggling because now I am left all this unprocessed trauma from childhood/losing a significant relationship and crushing guilt ridden depression for hurting someone I love. I have a hard time living with this, I feel guilty but both my girlfriend and I contributed to the downfall of us. Its not anyones fault, and therein lies the secret. Its not because I didnt love her, its because neither of us, were working on bettering our mental health. I made poor decisions but I will always love her and be there for her if and when she needs me. You are a beautiful, capable and lovable human, just like my ex girlfriend. Just know that just because guys dont always show it, they do care more than you think, and they do hurt and feel guilt very intensely. Sometimes we need a lesson not a soulmate. I am immensely sorry for your guys relationship ending, but let love for each other as humans conquer all.
- Date posted
- 6y
It sounds like you’ve both struggled with mental health and that struggle has manifested in different ways: you withheld and he acted out. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Are you two still doing counseling together? Are you seeing anyone on your own? I think both could be helpful. If you’ve never watched talks by Ester Perel, I’d highly recommend them. She’s a genius in modern love and particularly infidelity: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q
- Date posted
- 6y
Him believing it’s a choice is his problem. Naturally checking wasn’t good but you already recognize that. Also? It’s not an excuse to have an affair. What I can see here is that both of you lacked something important in a relationship: communication.
- Date posted
- 6y
I’d encourage you to see a therapist on your own to help you get through this time. Regardless of why the affair happened or what contributed to it: it happened. You have to grieve a huge loss, heal deep wounds of betrayal, and take responsibility for figuring out how to be a better partner in the future. That’s no easy task and you deserve all the support in the world right now.
- Date posted
- 6y
I am seeing a therapist xx
- Date posted
- 6y
The funny thing is rose-r0t I feel I always told him everything.....every fear....I just dunno
- Date posted
- 6y
Great! Good luck getting through this loss. I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but if you put in the work, you can do it.
- Date posted
- 6y
There are never excuses, only reasons.
- Date posted
- 6y
Thank you for your honesty Mr.AKS. I really appreciate it.
- Date posted
- 6y
Oh wow pureolife I never thought of it like that. No we are separated and most likely getting divorced. It’s not a good time. Thank you I will definitely take a look x
- Date posted
- 6y
I think he always knew what I was going through and he knew about the OCD but he seemed to believe it was choice like me choosing to check over choosing him. As it would make me stay late at work. Once he was ill and I was still late (which is awful I know I was just listening to the ocd voice) I made sure his mum checked on him so awful the extent it gets in the way x
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
I’ve been really struggling with Relationship OCD since I got married, and 3 years later, I’m afraid I’ve lost the love of my life. Between the Relationship OCD, the Religious OCD, and the Sexuality OCD, she couldn’t handle it anymore. Now that she left, the fog of doubt has faded, and I’m realizing how much I truly loved her all along. I just don’t understand how our minds can play such sabotaging tricks on us. And why? I don’t know what to do. I hope and pray we eventually get back together, but I know I need help. I want to do whatever I can to return to a place where she can feel loved by me, the way she did before ROCD took over. Is anyone here going through something similar? Has anyone overcome ROCD? Were you able to repair your relationship? I’d really appreciate any insight or advice. Thank you.
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- Mid-life adults with OCD
- Sexual Orientation OCD
- Religion & Spirituality OCD
- Relationship OCD
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- Date posted
- 17w
My husband told me recently he was going to hang out with a local friend he often goes to see. It got very late and I heard nothing from him. Tried calling and texting. Stayed up all night thinking maybe he was dead or injured. Logged into our cell phone account to see if I could find any recent location and discovered he had talked to someone on the phone that night but he was like 2 hours away from home at that time. And also saw a phone number he was spending hours on the phone with every day. I had been confronting him about his secrecy prior to that and he kept telling me it was this friend or that friend, or he was just taking the dog on a long walk or having a fire out back. He finally called me back in the morning and I yelled at him. He told me he was randomly with two friends from longer ago and had gotten drunk and passed out, and hadn't told me about these plans because I had a heart surgery a few weeks prior and health concerns and he didn't want to stress me out. He told me the phone number was a girl that he related to on trauma factors and that he views like a little sister. He said he didn't tell me because he was caught up in his trauma spilling of events he didn't share with a single person since they occurred to him 35 years ago, due to feelings of shame and anger, and that he thought I would view it as emotional cheating. I told him it really could be viewed as emotional cheating and in principle, honesty shouldn't be dependent upon the outcome... lying isn't justified because I would be upset by the truth. Since then, he's been more open with me and tells me when that girl is calling, talks to me about their conversations, answers her calls when I'm present. I talked to him about boundaries and things I'm uncomfortable with or bothered by and he changes those things. Especially because I have trauma from an emotionally abusive ex, having him lie to me when I directly questioned him about what I was perceiving or experiencing and telling me those experiences weren't real, when they actually WERE real, has really messed me up. Now when he wants to hang out with a friend, I don't trust it. But I'm handling these feelings in destructive OCD ways. I spend literally the entire time he's gone thinking and thinking and thinking about what if he's lying or what he might be doing instead of what he said. I call and text him intermittently and feel like all of my obsessive thoughts are confirmed if he doesn't answer right away. I'm always checking the phone history. The driving toll history. Scrutinizing everything. I cannot get out of this mindset. It's like this horrible mixture of emotional flashbacks and OCD. I don't want to live like this. I want to work on my relationship in productive ways. I want to be able to use my own time while my husband is gone. Even if he lied to me and is somewhere other than he said, I don't want to lie in bed just thinking and thinking and thinking for entire days and nights. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here. This is just the only place where I feel like I can share this without people thinking "wow she's crazy".
- Date posted
- 16w
im not diagnosed but for the past five years i've been seeing A LOT of ocd symptoms in myself. i kinda accepted that i might have it and learning about people's experiences helped me a lot. i was in a really bad place when i was 16 but at some point i got better (so i thought) I've lost one relationship and i healed from loosing it and then i fell in love again. we we're together for a year and six months. i was really happy for most of the time but unfortunately we we're both not really stable mentally and we both had some mental issues. i helped my girlfriend and i supported her the best i could. she managed to move in in my city and we started living together november. at first it still was her who had a lot of issues (probably depression and being very suicidal) i was struggling and i was really stressed but i tried my best to help. i think eventually she got better in january everything was happening all at once. i've lost my job and we had to move out to a different apartment and in the same time she gained new friends at work. earlier my ocd was showing up occasionally but since that time i think it got kinda worse. i have very low self esteem and when my girlfriend got really close with one girl in her work i started feeling uneasy. i never wanted to be a jelous and controlling girlfriend but my head was constantly telling me "she's will get bored of you bc of her new friend" "she's starting to care more about her than you" and it was unbearable. we talked about it few times and she tried to reassure me but at some point i saw she's not feeling good about my self doubt and being jelous. months passed and everything was getting worse. she become more and more distant, she stopped showing me any affection, she stopped asking me on a dates, she stopped flirting and even on my birthday i had to please her to stop texting someone and focus on a movie we were watching. and now two days ago she broke up with me. few days earlier we had a serious talk and she told me she doesn't feel like doing anything romantic with me anymore and when i asked why she told me she thinks she got tired of me. i asked her what about me makes her tired and she told me "it's because you can't do and cope with anything" or smth like that (its hard to translate it to English). and i understand that it could be tiring bc i was doing bad mentally and i asked for reassurance a lot even tho i knew it's my compulsion and even tho i told her i will try not to. i am also a very anxious person and i was really stressed aboud my new job and money and a lot of things and all of it made her tired. i feel so guilty that i couldn't try harder. i feel so guilty for not noticing I'm actually loosing her earlier. or maybe i actually was noticing it by being scared when she started to be mkre excited to spend time with her friend rather than me? i don't know i just feel so bad bc i still love her and i don't know if I can't stop bit i already asked her few times if she's sure that this is what she wants and i told her i will try harder and i booked a visit with a psychiatrist but she told me she's too tired to try. im scared she's also struggling mentally. i don't really know what i even want to hear from you guys i just really want to disappear bc i can't stop blaming myself for loosing my soulmate and the best person in the entire world, the most beautiful, funny and sweet person. she doesn't need me anymore. she doesn't want me and it hurts ass hell. and the fact that it might be all my fault hurt even more
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