- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Then I guess the communication issue was on his part. He should have told you instead of going off to cheat like that. There is sincerely no excuse for having an affair and giving people trust issues for the rest of their lives.
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey Cjx, I hope this helps. I went through something similar with my wonderful girlfriend of 7 years recently within the past 8-9 months. I had struggled with a couple anxiety disorders and a depressive disorder most of my life, due to a childhood illness and sexual abuse. As I made it through those circumstances and got older, I thought I “got over them”. Even though I struggled with the anxiety and depression. When I was 16, I met my best friend and girlfriend. After a year of us dating she was kicked out of her house by her parents due to personal conflict between their values. She had and still lives with me and my family. Overall I found our relationship to be amazing, probably the best of my life, she made me feel important and loved unconditionally and did everything she could to make sure I was happy and felt secure. I loved her and still love her to this day. Because unfortunately She put up with some unhealthy controlling, possessive and manipulative behaviours of mine that stemmed from previous trauma. I enforced this idea upon her and I’s relationship about loyalty and faithfullness. I was scared she wouldnt want me or shed leave me. about 3 years ago she developed OCD. (Something, I had worked on recovering from for years). But I did everything I could to help her, pushed for appointments for her, everything. But it was bad enough that she began to become consumed and eventually started to distance from me, physically (Contamination OCD) and emotionally because of the anxiety she experienced. I did everything I could to try to get her to get better and get support from a counsellor. She was too consumed at the time. Over the past year and a bit she stopped being physically affectionate and almost completely emotionally affectionate. It killed me to see her like that, but it was also hashing up childhood trauma I had avoided for years. I began to also become consumed with OCD again. Around that same time, we started to hang out with a small group of friends, consisting of me, my ex girlfriend, a mutual long time friend of ours, my cousin, and this new girl who was friends with my cousin. This new girl really fit in with our small group of 4. She became best friends with my ex girlfriend. And as a group we all worked on helping and supported each other. We all started to make gradual progress. Things were really good, we had small get togethers for christmas, thanks giving etc. And saw one another almost everyday for the past year. Around January, my girlfriend and I really started to run into issues. We were fighting far too often like cats and dogs, and I was feeling very rejected and scared. I clung on to trying to help her, but burntout and felt like I couldnt talk to anyone due to fear of upsetting them. It was around this time that me, my best friend and this new girl, began hanging out alone from my ex and my cousin. Then it was just me and this new girl. My girlfriend didnt seem to mind, because she knew this new girl had alot of her own emotional stuff and thought i could help her, due to my mental health training. So I started hanging out with this new girl almost every day and ( still with the group). But would be alone woth her, when I would drop her off at home. We would talk in the car for hours about each others struggles and we became close over the months of February to mid- april. Through that whole time, my girlfriend and I drifted more and more but the group would still hang out. I felt more and more rejected by my ex and more and more cared about by this new girl. I started to develop a non-platonic interest in the new girl. At the end of april, me and this new girl were talking in the car by ourselves as usual late at night. When she told me that she had very strong feelings for me, I made a poorly thought out decision of expressing my feelings to her as well. From that night, April 26th to May 19th ( The day my girlfriend and I broke up) this girl and I kissed a couple of times and held hands. There was no intercourse of any kind, no sexting, no nudes etc. But poor decisions none the less. I cared deeply for both of these women. But on may 19th me and my girlfriend of 7 years broke up, we had both been in a codependent, enmeshed unhealthy relationship. But it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. If I had these feelings for this other girl and was willing to even hold hands with her, than my ex girlfriends and I’s relationship was over. It was hard but my ex stilled lived with me, not much changed in any of the relationships involved. There was nothing more than kissing and hand holding on a couple more occasions. Over the months of June, July things were starting to get better. I still had not told my girlfriend about me and the other girl, but everything was going pretty well. I knew I had to talk to my girlfriend about it, but my girlfriend and I began to get along better than we had ever gotten along, she still lived with me and my family but we were thriving together. It felt good, but lead to me falling into the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt. The guilt consumed my life. And I became reclusive and anxious all the time. And ended up explaining everything in detail to my girlfriend the beginning of august. It killed me to see her that upset, I felt ashamed and felt I deserved to die, for hurting the only person to treat me like i mattered. She was mad and blocked this other girl. I had stopped see the other girl around the end of july out of respect for my girlfriend, which worsened the other girls mental health, that she had already been struggling worth. They both treated me like a king. And I hurt them both dearly. Throughout august my girlfriend and I had intercourse a couple of times, for the first time in a long time, it was like a closure thing. We slowly worked together on ourselves and were individually going to counselling. We had fights and conversations about this and are still processing it together as friends. We are both working on ourselves while supporting each other as friends. My ex girlfriend is in counselling for her ocd and to process the situation and shes even reconnecting with her family in a healthy way. I on the other hand am really really struggling because now I am left all this unprocessed trauma from childhood/losing a significant relationship and crushing guilt ridden depression for hurting someone I love. I have a hard time living with this, I feel guilty but both my girlfriend and I contributed to the downfall of us. Its not anyones fault, and therein lies the secret. Its not because I didnt love her, its because neither of us, were working on bettering our mental health. I made poor decisions but I will always love her and be there for her if and when she needs me. You are a beautiful, capable and lovable human, just like my ex girlfriend. Just know that just because guys dont always show it, they do care more than you think, and they do hurt and feel guilt very intensely. Sometimes we need a lesson not a soulmate. I am immensely sorry for your guys relationship ending, but let love for each other as humans conquer all.
- Date posted
- 5y
It sounds like you’ve both struggled with mental health and that struggle has manifested in different ways: you withheld and he acted out. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. Are you two still doing counseling together? Are you seeing anyone on your own? I think both could be helpful. If you’ve never watched talks by Ester Perel, I’d highly recommend them. She’s a genius in modern love and particularly infidelity: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q
- Date posted
- 5y
Him believing it’s a choice is his problem. Naturally checking wasn’t good but you already recognize that. Also? It’s not an excuse to have an affair. What I can see here is that both of you lacked something important in a relationship: communication.
- Date posted
- 5y
I’d encourage you to see a therapist on your own to help you get through this time. Regardless of why the affair happened or what contributed to it: it happened. You have to grieve a huge loss, heal deep wounds of betrayal, and take responsibility for figuring out how to be a better partner in the future. That’s no easy task and you deserve all the support in the world right now.
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- 5y
I am seeing a therapist xx
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- 5y
The funny thing is rose-r0t I feel I always told him everything.....every fear....I just dunno
- Date posted
- 5y
Great! Good luck getting through this loss. I know the road ahead won’t be easy, but if you put in the work, you can do it.
- Date posted
- 5y
There are never excuses, only reasons.
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- 5y
Thank you for your honesty Mr.AKS. I really appreciate it.
- Date posted
- 5y
Oh wow pureolife I never thought of it like that. No we are separated and most likely getting divorced. It’s not a good time. Thank you I will definitely take a look x
- Date posted
- 5y
I think he always knew what I was going through and he knew about the OCD but he seemed to believe it was choice like me choosing to check over choosing him. As it would make me stay late at work. Once he was ill and I was still late (which is awful I know I was just listening to the ocd voice) I made sure his mum checked on him so awful the extent it gets in the way x
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.
- Date posted
- 17w
Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks
- Date posted
- 13w
I’m a 19 year old girl and I have relationship ocd. My bf (20) and I are in college and around 2 days ago he asked for a break via text and then we called after on the phone which was the last time we spoke. We’ve been doing medium/long distance (1-2hrs away from eachother). I’m his first serious relationship and girl he’s ever loved. He’s my first healthy relationship and he felt like home to me. We both date to marry and everything with him felt so finalized, as silly as it sounds. Due to life being life we haven’t been able to see eachother the past three ish weeks. During that time he became different, wasn’t as loving as he used to be, and I had to continuously ask him to call me and he only did once or twice for about 15 minutes. He’s incredibly busy and in a agricultural frat. Unfortunately, he seeks a lot of validation from his frat brothers. It’s funny too, because I absolutely hate frats since I feel like often, of course not always, but often, all frats are about partying and hookup culture. That’s ok, it’s just not my thing as that to me isn’t what I value. With my bf though, I still loved him anyway. My bf was different from the stereotypical frat guy douche. You truly would not guess that him of all people is in one. He has incredibly redeeming qualities - he’s so kind, always tries to do the right thing, is so gentle, hardworking, encouraging, sensitive and sometimes emotionally intelligent lol. Due to this he gets treated differently in the house and the brothers disrespected him constantly. He would literally cry about it in my arms or in his car multiple times. When he was in my arms I was tearing up because it hurt me to see him like that. It broke my heart, but he was always too afraid to speak up for himself. I got pissed so many times and said I will say something for him - I’d do literally anything for him to make him happy. It became very obvious to me that he’s seeking so much male validation to fit in even though he comes from a great family with two married parents, with his dad being an absolutely amazing person and two older brothers. Hes said so many times that he doesn’t belong at the frat and I agreed and would tell him it’s because he was too good for them. I think he’s changed now though, and he honestly wants to fully submerge himself into this frat. He’s also taking max credit classes and has a job. I’ve been working to transfer over to the school he is at and as of late I’ve been doing community college, doing therapy with NOCD, going to the gym, and finally getting a car and being able to drive. I find myself that in relationships I let the other persons mood define mine, and I minimize my needs to make them happier. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I was a normal person. I care so deeply about him and want the best for him and I. I think he saw that flaw in me and with the combined stress of us being busy and not seeing eachother, thought it was time for a break. We called after he sent the text and I sobbed and acted a fool on the phone and I was absolutley pissed st first but only because I care. That was our first phone call in a while. He was crying and sobbing and calling me baby and the last thing we said to eachother was I love you, with him initiating that. Not too long after he was quick to take a lot of our posts down and stop sharing his location. So I did the same, and then just deleted all of my social media. I don’t know if he unadded me on anything, I don’t want to know and I don’t want to see his posts. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he’s doing. I’ll never forget when I was his date to one of his frat formals and I spoke to an alumni for a long time. He said to my bf waiting for me while I was in the bathroom “you got a good girl, take care of her”. My bf told me after that happened, because it was sweet, but I don’t think he honestly knew what that man really meant. Because I think if my bf did understand; I wouldn’t have to practically beg him to acknowledge me with a “maybe we could call” text for weeks, he would’ve directly thanked my mom for all the gifts I bought him using her money, he would’ve actually looked my mom in the eyes when he’s talking to her, he would’ve made sure that with intimacy my needs were also satisfied - not just his, he wouldn’t have told me what makeup style I should wear and what celebrities/traits he finds attractive in other girls even though I’ve voiced I’m uncomfortable with it, he would’ve shown more interest in my hobbies and likes the way I did his, and lastly, he would’ve been more courteous about my feelings and put his ego aside. I mean I’d literally watch hour long videos about fucking warhammer even though I thought it was boring. I sent him an educational video about OCD that I don’t think he ever took the time to watch. Which hurts, because he knows it’s something about me that I discovered during our relationship. Meanwhile, while I have stuff to work on like every person ever, I understand that I don’t need to fit into a group to feel complete. I’ve been authentically myself, flawed and all. I’m not afraid to show my problems to people. I don’t think I’m better than him because I’m like this, but I think that’s where we’re at right now. He hurt me so much and if/when he decides to come back is when I let him. I want him to regret this and for us to work out, but only if there’s change. He said we should work on ourselves and I agree. I’m slowly feeling better, but this took so many people by surprise especially his brothers gf who I was incredibly close to. She also has OCD funnily enough, and we’ve privately bonded over our bfs just not understanding OCD or going to each other for relationship/self care advice. I don’t know what to do, he was home to me. I love him, but I don’t love his actions and I deserve more. I hope he realizes what he’s missing out on, regrets it, and truly understands my value.
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