I'm drained. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I've only been getting about 4 hours of sleep each night. I feel awful. I practice therapy, but I'm not getting better. The results aren't happening.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

:( I remember your OCD is a little more complicated and meta than is typical, do you think it's possible your therapist might not be understanding well enough to give you the best exposures? I know you've asked here for instructions about what the proper ERP to do is, so I hadn't realised you were in therapy, I actually think seeing a specialist could really help you. It's normal for therapy to increase anxiety and triggers but not really normal to have no improvement after years, let alone it getting worse. That really makes me think the methods you're using might not be suitable somehow. OCD is treated the same ways for all of us so you should take comfort that you're not a uniquely unsolvable case or unresponsive brain, there definitely is a way through it, you just have to figure out what that is. And I really think that's best done with a specialist OCD therapist and being open to their suggestions, even if it hasn't seemed to work before. If you can help them to understand the layers, I would think they can come up with something effective for your treatment plan. Honestly the best rule I can think of to work through treating it layer by layer is to do always just the opposite of what your OCD suggests you ought to do, and avoiding compulsions. So with that one where you get the thought that you should leave detergent on your clothes in order to do ERP, you should not leave the detergent on your clothes and not do checking compulsions about whether you did it or not, even though it worries you that maybe you should have done it. That worrying and ruminating is a big mental compulsion which needs to be addressed too and actually I suspect there is more of that mental element at the core. A lot of time we can think we are treating our OCD but we have still been doing the thoughts, or imagining doing the compulsions (and imagining doing the compulsion is almost as bad as doing the compulsion). It seems like it's key that you're doing ERP when you aren't feeling a desperation that you need to. It's very meta but I would guess that the need to do ERP inappropriately because you feel like it might help you and is the right thing to do is rooted in moral scrupulosity or health OCD, so it might be worth checking out some resources on those. I'm actually curious about what initial OCD(s) you started with or which kicked this off. Do you have other existing OCDs which aren't related to the urges to do ERP? For example POCD, HOCD, ROCD or harm or contamination OCD or over-responsibility etc? As hopefully you should also be able to treat those by doing regular ERP for them. If you have the same obsessive urges to treat those as you get to treat the inappropriate things, perhaps you can decide to only do ERP for those on a fixed daily schedule, so that whether you do it or not isn't dictated by whether you have an urge to do it.

canigetawitness

Date posted: 5y

The OCD is just spiraling into layers on top of layers. It's become meta and I feel like I've lost my mind.

chiara3804

Date posted: 5y

Hi, I know it's hard and I'm sorry this is happening to you. When my OCD get worse I repeat to myself that it's all in my head and I try to do other things, for example I feel very useful talking to my friends or to my parents. Remember that you're strong and therapy will be successful.

canigetawitness

Date posted: 5y

Therapy has not been successful though. I've been in it for years

canigetawitness

Date posted: 5y

I really want to show your message to my therapist. It's odd that sufferers get it more than therapists seem to get it. Or actually, it's not that odd. Makes more sense considering we live with the disorder. But yeah, you hit the nail on the head with what I'm struggling with. In this past I've struggled with various themes, perfectionism, checking, skin picking, violent obsessions, etc. Usually, my OCD stays mainly focused on one or two issues at a time. It has shifted a lot in the past. However, this current theme around therapy has been going on for years. I know the content doesn't matter & at the same time my brain feels on fire with this theme. I'd say it's the worst bit of OCD I've been through. Something about the risk of not recovering correctly has OCD on a rampage. I have a map of how the layers are presenting themselves & would share with you, but I don't think we can do attachments on here. Anyway, thanks for getting it. I'm going to keep trying to explain to my therapist about what's happening and hope they get it. I'm just ready to get some relief from this.

avantika 🪻

Date posted: 16w

Rant...

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.

nae nae

Date posted: 16w

Tired of feeling like a bad person

I genuinely can't help but feel irredeemable over every little mistake made or regret I've had. It's so up and down, but I just miss the certainty. Knowing "this is who I am." I'm so disconnected from myself. Like, I'm really, really trying. Today is really rough... I got triggered the other night, and it's been hell since. I've been fighting seeking reassurance. I want it so, so incredibly bad, but I know it won't help me :( Some days, I just don't want to be here. It's funny because yesterday I felt amazing until I got triggered. I just immediately spiraled after that. I don't know. Does it genuinely get better? Will therapy really help me? Sometimes, I think maybe this is the best it'll get, and that scares me. Sorry for the vent. I'm just feeling so overwhelmingly anxious right now. I can't even cry (due to Zoloft). It feels claustrophobic somehow, having all these emotions trapped inside of my body with nowhere to go 😭

wrdem

Date posted: 12w

feeling extra hopeless today

i am nearly constantly extremely anxious and i don't want to live like this. my family and friends are so done dealing with me to the point that i feel that i'd be better off completely alone. every small twinge or pain in my body sends me into a panic, and if it's not that it's something else i manage to be worrying over. i'm fairly certain my stress has caused an ulcer to form. i try to sit with myself and not seek reassurance/check myself for issues but it is genuinely agonizing at times. most days i sleep 12-14 hours a day because it gets to a point that i cannot deal with it anymore and i take something to sleep. sometimes i do feel that i would be better off just not around so i wouldn't have to feel this any longer. i do a lot of unhealthy things to cope (drinking, smoking, and otc sleeping pills being the main culprits) and those habits end up hurting me in the long run and making me more anxious. i do have a counselor and she is great but i'm having a really hard time finding a medication provider under my insurance. i really really do want to get better because this is the most miserable i have ever been and i hate being like this and exhausting myself and the people around me. i've been told a big part of the healing process is to make yourself sit with your thoughts and deal with the uncertainty and fear as it comes, but it feels torturous to do that. sometimes reading through these posts does make me feel better knowing that i'm not alone but lately i have been unable to pull myself out of this frantic state. what are some healthier ways to cope/distract yourself that you guys find to be at least semi-effective? i am genuinely willing to try anything to make this terrible feeling go away

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I'm drained. My anxiety is at an all-time high. I've only been getting about 4 hours of sleep each night. I feel awful. I practice therapy, but I'm not getting better. The results aren't happening.

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