- Username
- worryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I did something similar to that when I was around 7 or 8 years old. We were kids, curious, and had no idea what we were doing at the time. We shouldn’t hold that against us. Let’s move on.
I hope I can. Not sure if I ever will. Do you have any coping mechanisms for it?
Omg I feel so comforted to know I’m not alone. My scenario is almost the same but really intense too. I started watching porn at 11, my only parent worked nights so I basically had 100% unrestricted internet access since I was the oldest and watched the kids. I would watch it with my younger siblings in the room (they never knew I was watching it, I never forced them to watch it, basically they were oblivious) but I do remember one night I was watching a Reese Witherspoon movie where she kissed a boy and I tongue kissed my 1 year old sisters outside of the cheek and it disturbs me so much now, to the point of suicidal thoughts because I feel like it was really messed up to do even though I didn’t mean to like sexually exploit her or anything. And now as an adult mixing that particular memory with all the bad porn memories and thinking I watched it with the kids in the room makes me feel like such a sex offender. It’s a huge complex I carry as an adult because I truly 100% feel like I did something sexually indecent and I will never be able to move on from it, even though I was 11 and had no clue how serious this shit actually is. I wish I could go back and never jump down that damaging path
I feel the exact same way. Do you ever start projecting how you feel now about it onto your younger self, too? Like I'll start to think of the memories and picture myself as actually wanting to do those things and enjoying it and taking advantage even though that's not what happened. Truthfully, we can never know what our intentions were at the time, and that's what kills me. I feel like a rapist, one of the things I hate the most. I feel like I can never have a relationship because of it either. Ruins my sex life completely.
@worryqueen Yes exactly like you explain. I’ve even been afraid I was watching porn when I kissed my sisters cheek even though I’m 99.7 percent sure I can’t prove it and if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole it will consume me. I have told my mom, my boyfriend, my psychiatrist, countless therapists & counsellor, my family doc and no one thinks it’s an issue because of the age but I still feel like it’s something I can never get rid of. Around that time too (a very dark year of my life, still 11-12, I found a sex toy in my house, my parents obviously and I tried it out (which I could literally gag about now) but I didn’t see it as bad for moral reasons I just knew it was taboo but didn’t understand fully why. Then when I started to realize it was stupid and horrible and wrong I was around 13 and started actually having real relationships and grew up believing I was incestuous. That is what has hindered my sex life, I’m scared to do anything unconventional like ever use a toy or even watch porn because I feel like it will be me proving that I am messed up if I chose to revisit that stuff in my adult life even though it is a normal aspect of adult sexuality I have trauma attached to it and I feel so wrong about it
@Harper Yeah it's terrible. I need to constantly be told that it was normal, that I didnt know what I was doing at that age etc but I'm too afraid to seek reassurance from my mom and sister because I'm afraid of ruining our relationship. I've only brought it up to one therapist, too, because I feel like when I talk about it I'll get thrown in jail. I feel like I'm not worthy of even getting in a relationship because I'm scared I'll blurt it all out and get rejected, or that I cant have sex with anyone unless I tell them what I did first. Surprisingly I have no problem with porn, but when people talk about rapists I can get triggered and start thinking things like "how can I go against something that I've been involved in?"
@worryqueen Me too, I totally feel for you ❤️ I’m sorry you have something you regret like this, although it is feeding into a compulsion I truly believe what you did doesn’t make you a rapist, to me it does seem fairly harmless. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I did feel like I would go to jail too, but I almost gave into suicidal thoughts and I have a child so I really pushed myself out of all of my comfort zones for him and tried to get immediate help before I did something drastic, although I thought it was going to ruin my life I didn’t really feel like I had a lot of options because I couldn’t live with myself basically and to my surprise no one was phased. Doesn’t make me feel any less better but I do feel like we torture ourselves as a form of self punishment. I have a huge fear that anyone I’ve confided in is secretly plotting to kill me now though, so OCD has a fun little way of burrowing itself one layer deeper once you feel like you’ve achieved some sort of inner peace
@Harper I'm glad you pushed for help :) my therapist also wasn't that phased by it and said it was completely normal. My mother had to keep telling me that I wasn't a bad person, and even my sister (the one I was worried I assaulted) told me it was okay. Funny how ocd can keep you latched onto something everyone else has forgotten!! How annoying!! And yes I kept thinking how my therapist might actually be taking notes and showing them to the police, or my mother. You can never get any peace with ocd, no.
@worryqueen Lol I loved this dialogue. I really did. It’s nice to see that it’s common to have been a really stupid currious kid. On another note I believe we as people need to realize how damaging porn is on our nation’s youth. For me ages 9-11, i was more interested with sex and the idea of it more than I am now. A 23 year old college athlete with tons of testosterone. I’m pretty sexually conservative. I don’t care for it as much. So when I think about that small time in my life as a kid I feel ashamed because like whaaaat. What does that stupid shit even mean to me? In reality it doesn’t mean anything. We gave our memories a meaning whenever we had our onset. That OCD keeps digging in our brain to find proof. It’s tormenting. Again, thank you both for this dialogue. I needed this. I was dying today thinking I was alone with being a weird and curious kid. In reality, we were kids ?♂️ and there is nothing we can do to change any of this. We gotta do our best to take away meaning from it. I don’t know, hopefully I’m making sense lol.
@Jayy0101 I definitely think porn can have negative effects on children. It either drains your sex life as an adult, or cranks it all the way up. And yes, ocd just has to latch onto the stupidity and curiosity of our childhood lol. It's so bizarre what our brains can make up, and overthink. You make sense, dont worry. Erp will hopefully do the job of taking away that meaning.
Hey if you and Harper both have sought reassurance and you know all the reasons why these stories aren't a big deal and are common, but you still can't get your mind off it or shrug the memory off, that's a big sign of OCD. You both clearly know you're doing OCD about these memories. It's a better idea to do ERP so that gradually your feelings can start to line up with what you know. Reassurance isn't the way to get there.
I try not to come on here and do these types of comments anymore but I have never heard anyone ever go through something so similar as me. I agree erp is the way
@Harper My real event OCDs are my trickiest themes by far, not least because when I get overwhelmed by strong feelings that something happened that I don't actually remember, I end up doing false confessions, suggesting worse versions of things etc. And then have the choice between explaining myself and looking like a crazy person and making it fresh in their mind again, or leaving it alone and just hoping for the best. I am the flakiest of flaky flakes.
@Scoggy ? yes, it’s really NOT funny but I am choosing to laugh because ... yup I have soooo been there before ?
@Scoggy Ahh I definitely relate to that one. You can never get the story straight in your head so you choose the worst version you can possibly think of!! And I'm not sure if i should be working on erp or forgiveness for ththis subtype. I've gotten mixed answers about...
I have couple embarrassing things that I regret but I don’t bring it up because I was young and stupid
Honestly I wish I didnt have the compulsion of reassurance because if I bring it up to someone, I'll get judged 90% of the time because it's weird to bring up but my brain tells me I have to so I dont feel guilty
You won’t act ont the thought they bother it’s fine your not offender from what I hear relax it’s fine
Yeah but I've acted on the thoughts in the past. That's why I'm upset.
Yeah but that’s past
It's the past, but it's a part of me
I am 20. Around a month ago, I suddenly remembered something very bad I did when I was ten. At the time (when I was ten), I didn’t think twice about it, but ever since I remembered it, I can’t stop thinking and obsessing over it as I do not understand how I could have ever done something so bad. It really bothers me, and now I am contemplating wether or not I am a bad person. I have read many articles about this, scanned them, looked for people who have done similar things. According to them, I have past event ocd. I can understand that, but I consider what I did too bad for it to be that. Here’s what I remember of it: When I was 10, my sister was 7, and around that age we would often just walk around naked, wrestle, and etc just like kids. This is probably why I didn’t think twice about what I did. At that time, I would hump various things, not knowing what it meant. I can faintly recollect humping my sister. I do not understand why I did it, but it bothers me a lot and makes me wonder if I am a bad person. I realise it’s horrible, but I didn’t know what I was doing at the time.
when i was 7 years old, i sexually experimented but with my brother who was three years younger than me. nothing terrible happened and nothing was forced. i sat on his lap and i moved my hips in a sexual way for like 5 seconds. i didn’t know that it was wrong at the time, i was just a very curious child. that was 12 years ago and ever since then i’ve regretted it with every ounce of my being and it made me feel disgusting because it doesn’t align with my values at all. but recently, it has turned into real event ocd. i cant stop feeling immense guilt over this thinking i molested my brother and how shameful i feel about it. i feel so disgusting and i don’t think i’ve ever felt more suicidal than i do now.
I feel like such a monster. I wish I could get over this obsession but it seems to always be at the back of my mind. I know sexual experimentation is normal as a child, but what I did, I think goes beyond that. I was 10, and I put my little sister’s hand on my breast while she was sleeping. For my own sexual gain or curiosity, I don’t even know at this point. I don’t think I can ever let myself live this down. I’m so disgusting and terrible and I wish I could erase what I’ve done, I really do.
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