- Date posted
- 4y ago
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I did something similar to that when I was around 7 or 8 years old. We were kids, curious, and had no idea what we were doing at the time. We shouldn’t hold that against us. Let’s move on.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I hope I can. Not sure if I ever will. Do you have any coping mechanisms for it?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Omg I feel so comforted to know I’m not alone. My scenario is almost the same but really intense too. I started watching porn at 11, my only parent worked nights so I basically had 100% unrestricted internet access since I was the oldest and watched the kids. I would watch it with my younger siblings in the room (they never knew I was watching it, I never forced them to watch it, basically they were oblivious) but I do remember one night I was watching a Reese Witherspoon movie where she kissed a boy and I tongue kissed my 1 year old sisters outside of the cheek and it disturbs me so much now, to the point of suicidal thoughts because I feel like it was really messed up to do even though I didn’t mean to like sexually exploit her or anything. And now as an adult mixing that particular memory with all the bad porn memories and thinking I watched it with the kids in the room makes me feel like such a sex offender. It’s a huge complex I carry as an adult because I truly 100% feel like I did something sexually indecent and I will never be able to move on from it, even though I was 11 and had no clue how serious this shit actually is. I wish I could go back and never jump down that damaging path
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I feel the exact same way. Do you ever start projecting how you feel now about it onto your younger self, too? Like I'll start to think of the memories and picture myself as actually wanting to do those things and enjoying it and taking advantage even though that's not what happened. Truthfully, we can never know what our intentions were at the time, and that's what kills me. I feel like a rapist, one of the things I hate the most. I feel like I can never have a relationship because of it either. Ruins my sex life completely.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Yes exactly like you explain. I’ve even been afraid I was watching porn when I kissed my sisters cheek even though I’m 99.7 percent sure I can’t prove it and if I allow myself to go down that rabbit hole it will consume me. I have told my mom, my boyfriend, my psychiatrist, countless therapists & counsellor, my family doc and no one thinks it’s an issue because of the age but I still feel like it’s something I can never get rid of. Around that time too (a very dark year of my life, still 11-12, I found a sex toy in my house, my parents obviously and I tried it out (which I could literally gag about now) but I didn’t see it as bad for moral reasons I just knew it was taboo but didn’t understand fully why. Then when I started to realize it was stupid and horrible and wrong I was around 13 and started actually having real relationships and grew up believing I was incestuous. That is what has hindered my sex life, I’m scared to do anything unconventional like ever use a toy or even watch porn because I feel like it will be me proving that I am messed up if I chose to revisit that stuff in my adult life even though it is a normal aspect of adult sexuality I have trauma attached to it and I feel so wrong about it
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Harper Yeah it's terrible. I need to constantly be told that it was normal, that I didnt know what I was doing at that age etc but I'm too afraid to seek reassurance from my mom and sister because I'm afraid of ruining our relationship. I've only brought it up to one therapist, too, because I feel like when I talk about it I'll get thrown in jail. I feel like I'm not worthy of even getting in a relationship because I'm scared I'll blurt it all out and get rejected, or that I cant have sex with anyone unless I tell them what I did first. Surprisingly I have no problem with porn, but when people talk about rapists I can get triggered and start thinking things like "how can I go against something that I've been involved in?"
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Me too, I totally feel for you ❤️ I’m sorry you have something you regret like this, although it is feeding into a compulsion I truly believe what you did doesn’t make you a rapist, to me it does seem fairly harmless. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I did feel like I would go to jail too, but I almost gave into suicidal thoughts and I have a child so I really pushed myself out of all of my comfort zones for him and tried to get immediate help before I did something drastic, although I thought it was going to ruin my life I didn’t really feel like I had a lot of options because I couldn’t live with myself basically and to my surprise no one was phased. Doesn’t make me feel any less better but I do feel like we torture ourselves as a form of self punishment. I have a huge fear that anyone I’ve confided in is secretly plotting to kill me now though, so OCD has a fun little way of burrowing itself one layer deeper once you feel like you’ve achieved some sort of inner peace
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Harper I'm glad you pushed for help :) my therapist also wasn't that phased by it and said it was completely normal. My mother had to keep telling me that I wasn't a bad person, and even my sister (the one I was worried I assaulted) told me it was okay. Funny how ocd can keep you latched onto something everyone else has forgotten!! How annoying!! And yes I kept thinking how my therapist might actually be taking notes and showing them to the police, or my mother. You can never get any peace with ocd, no.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Lol I loved this dialogue. I really did. It’s nice to see that it’s common to have been a really stupid currious kid. On another note I believe we as people need to realize how damaging porn is on our nation’s youth. For me ages 9-11, i was more interested with sex and the idea of it more than I am now. A 23 year old college athlete with tons of testosterone. I’m pretty sexually conservative. I don’t care for it as much. So when I think about that small time in my life as a kid I feel ashamed because like whaaaat. What does that stupid shit even mean to me? In reality it doesn’t mean anything. We gave our memories a meaning whenever we had our onset. That OCD keeps digging in our brain to find proof. It’s tormenting. Again, thank you both for this dialogue. I needed this. I was dying today thinking I was alone with being a weird and curious kid. In reality, we were kids ?♂️ and there is nothing we can do to change any of this. We gotta do our best to take away meaning from it. I don’t know, hopefully I’m making sense lol.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Jayy0101 I definitely think porn can have negative effects on children. It either drains your sex life as an adult, or cranks it all the way up. And yes, ocd just has to latch onto the stupidity and curiosity of our childhood lol. It's so bizarre what our brains can make up, and overthink. You make sense, dont worry. Erp will hopefully do the job of taking away that meaning.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Hey if you and Harper both have sought reassurance and you know all the reasons why these stories aren't a big deal and are common, but you still can't get your mind off it or shrug the memory off, that's a big sign of OCD. You both clearly know you're doing OCD about these memories. It's a better idea to do ERP so that gradually your feelings can start to line up with what you know. Reassurance isn't the way to get there.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I try not to come on here and do these types of comments anymore but I have never heard anyone ever go through something so similar as me. I agree erp is the way
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Harper My real event OCDs are my trickiest themes by far, not least because when I get overwhelmed by strong feelings that something happened that I don't actually remember, I end up doing false confessions, suggesting worse versions of things etc. And then have the choice between explaining myself and looking like a crazy person and making it fresh in their mind again, or leaving it alone and just hoping for the best. I am the flakiest of flaky flakes.
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy ? yes, it’s really NOT funny but I am choosing to laugh because ... yup I have soooo been there before ?
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy Ahh I definitely relate to that one. You can never get the story straight in your head so you choose the worst version you can possibly think of!! And I'm not sure if i should be working on erp or forgiveness for ththis subtype. I've gotten mixed answers about...
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I have couple embarrassing things that I regret but I don’t bring it up because I was young and stupid
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Honestly I wish I didnt have the compulsion of reassurance because if I bring it up to someone, I'll get judged 90% of the time because it's weird to bring up but my brain tells me I have to so I dont feel guilty
- Date posted
- 4y ago
You won’t act ont the thought they bother it’s fine your not offender from what I hear relax it’s fine
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- 4y ago
Yeah but I've acted on the thoughts in the past. That's why I'm upset.
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- 4y ago
Yeah but that’s past
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- 4y ago
It's the past, but it's a part of me
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
I am really worried that I may have SA'ed my little sister. When we were very young, and I mean, really, really young, I was 5 I think. I used to kiss my sister, because I was curious and my mom caught us and she told me not to do it again and I didn't. But when I was about 11 she felt on my lap and I liked the sensation so I tried to rub myself against her. I tried to take my life because of this, I did therapy and everyone, including my sister, told me that I was just a child, and my sister admitted to having done similar things and she said "Would you blame me?" and I said no because she was a child and barely understood what was happening. My therapist said that I mimicked adult behaviors when I kissed her but she was so young, like barely 4 years old and I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to die.
- Date posted
- 16w ago
When i was between the ages of 11-18 i was a very mentally ill and hyper sexual kid. I did a lot pf sexting, sent nudes, and even one video of me doing inappropriate things that haunt me to this day. I have changed a lot since then and realized that this was all jn relation to (TW!!) sexual abuse i experienced as a child/teen. I still feel horrible for the things that I have done and think about this daily. I beat myself up because I know it was wrong of me to act that way growing up. Im afraid that someone will find these texts/pictures/videos one day and it will lead to my complete humiliation. I want to throw up at the thought of people i know and love seeing me act that. Its not who I am or who I ever was. I regret that part of my life so deeply it hurts.
- Date posted
- 16w ago
Sorry if this is a bit of an odd post, but I’m wondering if there are any girls out there that have specifically struggled with shame around watching porn? A lot of my real-event ocd stems from watching that kind of content in the past, and for some reason it feels particularly taboo as a woman. As a young teen, I saw some genuinely disturbing things, and I think a lot of that was to do with having unrestricted access to the internet. However, despite lots of people telling me “that’s normal teen curiosity” it just never feels like it applies to me, and that I’m genuinely just a sexual deviant. I think because that kind of content is so graphic and overstimulating it’s really stuck in my brain, and I just wish I could turn back the clock and switch off the computer. I’ve recently been struggling with doing typical ‘girly’ stuff because I feel tainted and gross, and I just want to get back to feeling myself again.
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