I feel sad and guilty everyday. I can't get out of it and to be honest, I don't even know if I want to. Everytime I feel a tiny bit better, the waves of sadness come crashing me down and I feel lost and alone again. I can't fight anymore, I don't know how. I feel that even if I confessed to my bf, I wouldn't stop feeling this way because then just another thing pops up which I probably did wrong. I don't know how to live with this constant guilt, it is sucking the life out of me. And if I try to take it with me or not take it seriously, I think "what if you are just using ocd to cover up that you really did a bad thing" I can't go on, I have no hope left and I feel so desperate

I understand that it is hard now, having feelings of depression doesn’t help. Let me tell you however a few months ago I was in a similar position and now I am feeling much better. You don’t have to feel the way you do now forever, with treatment you can start to feel like yourself again. Just remember to be patient treatment takes time (like MONTHS) don’t give up! Know that there are tons of other people that are going through the same thing!

Hang in there, it will get better 💚

You have to seek into yourself what has set up your guilty. Then you have to understand that what has brought you into this state of mind will never go, in a way that what you've been through has given to you a new state of mind that will never go away. That doesn't mean you will have to suffer forever. That means you will have to learn how to deal with this new mindset. Dealing with this new mindset equals to accept who you are now, your guilty, your suffering, do not fight against but rather learn from them, the more you will accept who you are now, the more it will be better. I think you suffer a huge lack of confidence with yourself, people feel what you feel, but they consider their weird thoughts as being normal thoughts, you on the contrary, can't deal the same way and fight constantly against what you consider as awful when basic people consider it as normal (THE particularity of people having OCDs).

Thank you all for your kind words... I feel so stupid. Most of the time I feel like I have a fog in my brain, I can't think straight around the content of my OCD. It's like I am trying to grasp it, think about it and I can't seem to get hold of it. I can't figure it out. I know that you can't solve a mental illness mentally, but if I don't do it I just feel doomed to feel awful all my life. It's like I can't go on without having it figured out. My mind screams at me, how can oyu live your life if you don't know for sure whether you should confess to your bf or not about the things you did???

I once had sexual fantasies about his father. Nothing serious, I don't fany his father at all, he's just very good looking and the taboo part probably got the best of me so while masturbating, I also thought about him. I did this a few times, but then I found it weird and thought that I probably shouldn't be doing this so I stopped. A few months later I developed a new ocd theme, although I have not had ocd for two years. I had the urge to confess everything I maybe did wrong to my boyfriend. I felt extreme distress every time I remembered something what he might found bad and therefore leave me. The things were always not that good but not that bad, it started with me faking orgasms because I can't get one, prob. Because of the ssrids I'm taking. Then a few months later I thought "Wait, you haven't told him that one time, you had one, you lied to him! You mustn't lie to him!". I managed to get rid of that thought but then Corona started, my mother separated from her boyfriend who has touched me inappropriately, which I was never allowed to talk about and it kind of freaked me all out... So when the thought and the distress came back up I just told my boyfriend. Of course, he was hurt. And I was confused, why can't I keep something like that to myself, it is totally unnecessary for your boyfriend to know sth like who you had an orgasm with. After that, it was calm for a while, but then I accidentally looked into his phone and started snooping. I did this one time before, I was just so curious. But I reckoned that I shouldn't do it and stopped. I told myself that I will never do it again, but the day after I thought "you can't just keep it from him, he has a right to know what you did, maybe he doesn't love you anymore if he knows and you are just acting like everything is okay when in reality you hurt him bad..." So I told him, and while I confessed, I had the urge to tell him everything, that I did it before, the exact things I read. Every time I told him something it didn't feel right, and I was like" maybe I left something out, I have to tell him ALL that happened so I told him every detail I remembered. " After that, it went south. My mind started to search up everything I may have done wrong in the past two years of our relationship, that I looked through his photos on his computer (we use it both), that I fantasized about other man, that maybe I cheated on him without remembering it... And last but not least the infamous fantasy about his father. I remembered it in May and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Everyday I am ruminating.

I don't know how... I can't stop crying, I feel so alone and like it never gets better. I read so many books and watched videos and I am just confused...

I wake up anxious and confused and in the evening I am happy to go to sleep, although I started to dream about my OCD content so not even sleep is relaxing... I feel like the depression makes everything worse, I had ocd earlier but it was never this bad as it is now.

Simple question. Rather than explaining to your bf, can you developp a little here what brings you that down ?

Not at all I will answer you once at home 😉👌

SoMi1907 The thing is, you put a lot of pressure with yourself for things which are rather common. You question yourself permanently and you want to be perfect for you bf. Honestly I don't question your relationship with you bf but it seems to me that you want to much be perfect for him. For example what you did with your stepfather is not something that people confess at other people but most of us have already experienced something of its kind. You lack confidence in yourself, and your bf has a real ascendant on you in a way that you seem to idealize him like he's perfect and YOU have failures so that your bf also makes mistakes, is not perfect, and feel things that he will not share to you because it's what we call a secret garden. Maybe I'm wrong but that what appears to me when I read your comments. You overcome your feelings because you want to be the ideal of yourself rather than being yourself. But I understand your difficulties and I don't want to give to you the feeling that I'm judging you. I'm on this app because they're some things I have difficulties to manage with so keep up the great work, if you wanna reply go ahead I will answer you back 🤗👌

I'd say that your enemy is yourself because you have a dissonance between who you are and who you'd like to be. Most of geniuses deal, have dealt or dealt with weird thoughts or weird behaviors, it's not because you are not like common that means you're mean or evil. You have to compose with the entirety of yourself. Not just with your "good" sights, but also with your "bad" side. You should understand that you're like the leader of yourself, the captain of your own team. You have to deal with an all, and not with what you feel like "the good"stuff or yourself. It's like in the army, the best leader is the one who understands the potential of everybody surrounding him in order to create the best team. That's exactly the same with ourselves. You are the leader of yourself and you must be proud of your "good side" but on the other hand understand your "bad side" which is messages coming from your subconscious trying to communicate with you. And when you're in real trouble I invite you to read the poem Invictus, from William Ernest Henley, really inspiring you will see similarities with what you have been through and his poem, check this out you'll like it.

I have an idea that you may find helpful. My favorite author is Anthony De Mello. One of his books has been particularly helpful for me. It is called “Rediscovering Life - Awaken to Reality.” If you enjoy reading and want to explore the deepest parts of our life experience and our minds I would recommend it (not an easy read but very insightful and deep). Good luck to you.

It feels like I am just annoying...

I really think that I don't trust myself. Deep down I stell think "you're gonna mess this up because you always mess everything up. It works for a time, but then you and your mental issues destroy everything. Your weird thoughts, how does anyone think about the father of his bf? Like seriously, who does that? You don't deserve him, he's loyal to you and loves you and you do this to him..."and so on