- Username
- SoMi1907
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I understand that it is hard now, having feelings of depression doesn’t help. Let me tell you however a few months ago I was in a similar position and now I am feeling much better. You don’t have to feel the way you do now forever, with treatment you can start to feel like yourself again. Just remember to be patient treatment takes time (like MONTHS) don’t give up! Know that there are tons of other people that are going through the same thing!
Well said! I share this experience. There is HOPE.
Hang in there, it will get better 💚
You have to seek into yourself what has set up your guilty. Then you have to understand that what has brought you into this state of mind will never go, in a way that what you've been through has given to you a new state of mind that will never go away. That doesn't mean you will have to suffer forever. That means you will have to learn how to deal with this new mindset. Dealing with this new mindset equals to accept who you are now, your guilty, your suffering, do not fight against but rather learn from them, the more you will accept who you are now, the more it will be better. I think you suffer a huge lack of confidence with yourself, people feel what you feel, but they consider their weird thoughts as being normal thoughts, you on the contrary, can't deal the same way and fight constantly against what you consider as awful when basic people consider it as normal (THE particularity of people having OCDs).
Thank you all for your kind words... I feel so stupid. Most of the time I feel like I have a fog in my brain, I can't think straight around the content of my OCD. It's like I am trying to grasp it, think about it and I can't seem to get hold of it. I can't figure it out. I know that you can't solve a mental illness mentally, but if I don't do it I just feel doomed to feel awful all my life. It's like I can't go on without having it figured out. My mind screams at me, how can oyu live your life if you don't know for sure whether you should confess to your bf or not about the things you did???
This is a classic OCD tactic don’t fall for it! I know it seems scary to leave it be but think of OCD as a bully. It will say whatever it can to get you to pay attention to it. Maybe you should see a therapist if you don’t want to talk about it with your bf. And don’t fall for that voice in your head, I guarantee that the therapist has heard it all before just be honest and you can get better.
@EtOCD I already have a therapist.. She always said I should "let it go" but she doesn't get specific as in how I should do that. She also said that she can't help me if I'm not sure the thoughts are because I have ocd. But my OCD always says, "maybe you are faking it to get away with it" so I am never 100% sure. But I thought that's normal, isn't that part of the struggle?
@SoMi1907 Exactly OCD is trying to get you pay attention to it. That’s part of OCD living with uncertainty. Remember uncertainty is a normal part of life where else in your life that you demand so much certainty. You just need to take a leap of faith. When I say let it go I mean whenever those thoughts pop up let them be there but don’t let it distract you from what you’re doing, it’s a matter of being in the present
@EtOCD The leap of faith is so hard. Is it OK if I take it and still feel anxious, but don't ruminate anymore? It's resisting the compulsion even though you're anxious you could be wrong, isn't it?
@SoMi1907 You exactly right! When you first resist your compulsions it’ll be hard, but over time you’ll notice that you’ll become less and less anxious.
I once had sexual fantasies about his father. Nothing serious, I don't fany his father at all, he's just very good looking and the taboo part probably got the best of me so while masturbating, I also thought about him. I did this a few times, but then I found it weird and thought that I probably shouldn't be doing this so I stopped. A few months later I developed a new ocd theme, although I have not had ocd for two years. I had the urge to confess everything I maybe did wrong to my boyfriend. I felt extreme distress every time I remembered something what he might found bad and therefore leave me. The things were always not that good but not that bad, it started with me faking orgasms because I can't get one, prob. Because of the ssrids I'm taking. Then a few months later I thought "Wait, you haven't told him that one time, you had one, you lied to him! You mustn't lie to him!". I managed to get rid of that thought but then Corona started, my mother separated from her boyfriend who has touched me inappropriately, which I was never allowed to talk about and it kind of freaked me all out... So when the thought and the distress came back up I just told my boyfriend. Of course, he was hurt. And I was confused, why can't I keep something like that to myself, it is totally unnecessary for your boyfriend to know sth like who you had an orgasm with. After that, it was calm for a while, but then I accidentally looked into his phone and started snooping. I did this one time before, I was just so curious. But I reckoned that I shouldn't do it and stopped. I told myself that I will never do it again, but the day after I thought "you can't just keep it from him, he has a right to know what you did, maybe he doesn't love you anymore if he knows and you are just acting like everything is okay when in reality you hurt him bad..." So I told him, and while I confessed, I had the urge to tell him everything, that I did it before, the exact things I read. Every time I told him something it didn't feel right, and I was like" maybe I left something out, I have to tell him ALL that happened so I told him every detail I remembered. " After that, it went south. My mind started to search up everything I may have done wrong in the past two years of our relationship, that I looked through his photos on his computer (we use it both), that I fantasized about other man, that maybe I cheated on him without remembering it... And last but not least the infamous fantasy about his father. I remembered it in May and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Everyday I am ruminating.
And of course, my OCD thinks I should tell him. He has a right to know.
@SoMi1907 And I don't know if it is that bad or not. After the orgasm thing he said he thought about breaking up. I thought the phone snooping wasn't that bad but he became furious and after I told him a week later that I looked at his photos he said that there better shouldn't be anything coming now because he really doesn't want to have a relationship like that. Afterwards he said that he wasn't mad at me, he was just trying to show me to not do it again. It wasn't that bad, he just thought that you "fight" like that in a relationship. But it completely freaked me out, I thought "what else did I do wrong and thought it was not that bad..."
@SoMi1907 So now my brain kind of digs up every thing I did that was not 100% good and screams at me to tell him because otherwise I would be lying to him. That pretty much sums my OCD theme up. If it's even ocd...
@SoMi1907 Thank you for sharing and for your vulnerability. I’ve had very similar experiences in relationships, coming from the same side as you, OCD will make us feel a need to find every last detail to confess because if not, then we don’t know if their love is really true. The major problem here is that our thinking is based in the idea that love is conditional- ie “we have to be perfect to be loveable”. In reality, is thatbwhat we would want? We’re human, we all have learning experiences. We should be more forgiving, starting with ourselves. Putting all of my significant others on pedestals, as it seems you may be doing, left me feeling hopeless and like I would never be good enough for them.Food for thought.
@aero And when I say forgiving, I really mean that we ahould recognize that we never had bad intent to begin with so a lot that we think we need to forgive ourselves for, doesn’t need to even be forgiven. It’s in our heads.
@aero Thank you. It feels good to know that somebody else struggles with this, even though I'd wish we all wouldn't...
@aero Did you read anything it practice anything that helps you?
I don't know how... I can't stop crying, I feel so alone and like it never gets better. I read so many books and watched videos and I am just confused...
I wake up anxious and confused and in the evening I am happy to go to sleep, although I started to dream about my OCD content so not even sleep is relaxing... I feel like the depression makes everything worse, I had ocd earlier but it was never this bad as it is now.
Simple question. Rather than explaining to your bf, can you developp a little here what brings you that down ?
Not at all I will answer you once at home 😉👌
SoMi1907 The thing is, you put a lot of pressure with yourself for things which are rather common. You question yourself permanently and you want to be perfect for you bf. Honestly I don't question your relationship with you bf but it seems to me that you want to much be perfect for him. For example what you did with your stepfather is not something that people confess at other people but most of us have already experienced something of its kind. You lack confidence in yourself, and your bf has a real ascendant on you in a way that you seem to idealize him like he's perfect and YOU have failures so that your bf also makes mistakes, is not perfect, and feel things that he will not share to you because it's what we call a secret garden. Maybe I'm wrong but that what appears to me when I read your comments. You overcome your feelings because you want to be the ideal of yourself rather than being yourself. But I understand your difficulties and I don't want to give to you the feeling that I'm judging you. I'm on this app because they're some things I have difficulties to manage with so keep up the great work, if you wanna reply go ahead I will answer you back 🤗👌
Thank you!! I don't know if I idealize him. What I do know is that I always have a fear of being weird. I have a history of mental problems, Ed's and so on and was always a rather nerdy girl. So it doesn't take much to make me feel like I'm crazy... A lot of the things I wanted to try failed because of these problems. I couldn't study in another town because I got OCD there and depression, I couldn't manage to stay on a three week course in Barcelona because my eating disorder was so severe and throughout my teenage days I didn't attend parties or did those normal things because I always centered around myself. But when I came back to my hometown to study here everything went better. I found a lot of friends, I had a healthy weight and finally recovered from all the mental problems I had. I was so happy... And after a year, I met my boyfriend and we started to learn for our law exams. But after the exams, 1.5 years later, it went worse again. I succeeded, he didn't. And after my oral exams this January, all the stuff that I already wrote happened. Now I am kind of scared that this again will be something normal and healthy and good that I'll destroy because my mental health gets bad. I'm scared that I will look back and see that I am the one who ruined it all, because I am a sicko, weirdo or just not normal. My bf is the most normal person I know, he comes from a stable family and is so happy. I was happy too when I met him, but now that I am unstable again, I feel like I am worthless and weak. I was so happy, I never thought I could be this happy. And now I feel like I went back to the gloomy sad state I spent my teenage years in while he stays up there, happy and healthy. He is totally supportive but yeah, I don't feel like I am as worthy as he is. Especially with thoughts like that. I feel like a complete failure again...
I'd say that your enemy is yourself because you have a dissonance between who you are and who you'd like to be. Most of geniuses deal, have dealt or dealt with weird thoughts or weird behaviors, it's not because you are not like common that means you're mean or evil. You have to compose with the entirety of yourself. Not just with your "good" sights, but also with your "bad" side. You should understand that you're like the leader of yourself, the captain of your own team. You have to deal with an all, and not with what you feel like "the good"stuff or yourself. It's like in the army, the best leader is the one who understands the potential of everybody surrounding him in order to create the best team. That's exactly the same with ourselves. You are the leader of yourself and you must be proud of your "good side" but on the other hand understand your "bad side" which is messages coming from your subconscious trying to communicate with you. And when you're in real trouble I invite you to read the poem Invictus, from William Ernest Henley, really inspiring you will see similarities with what you have been through and his poem, check this out you'll like it.
I have an idea that you may find helpful. My favorite author is Anthony De Mello. One of his books has been particularly helpful for me. It is called “Rediscovering Life - Awaken to Reality.” If you enjoy reading and want to explore the deepest parts of our life experience and our minds I would recommend it (not an easy read but very insightful and deep). Good luck to you.
I don't know if that would help... I feel like books just confuse me
It feels like I am just annoying...
I really think that I don't trust myself. Deep down I stell think "you're gonna mess this up because you always mess everything up. It works for a time, but then you and your mental issues destroy everything. Your weird thoughts, how does anyone think about the father of his bf? Like seriously, who does that? You don't deserve him, he's loyal to you and loves you and you do this to him..."and so on
I feel too "bad" to redeem myself or deserve recovery. I know it's just my OCD but every second I'm awake another completely different memory hits me and I'm filled with guilt and regret and paranoia. It never stops. I really don't know what to do. I'm in therapy and I'm trying every day but it's so hard to get better when you feel like you need to punish yourself for every move you make. I'm not sure what kind of treatment could help me when I have a new obsession every half hour and they're generally based on my past/real events. If any of you feel this way I'm so sorry :(
i’m only 15 i cant. i cant. i don’t even know if it’s real event ocd. it feels like massive weights on me. i cant live just acting like everything’s normal. like i haven’t made mistakes. if people knew the mistakes i’ve made because i didn’t know they were wrong everyone would hate me. i don’t deserve my relationship. i don’t deserve my friendships. i don’t deserve anything. i just want to cry and hold friends and my partner but i’d feel guilty because i feel like the worst person i know. i don’t know how i can just “act normal” and “leave stuff in the past” and “not confess” “move forward and focus in present “ :(
I have had a major set back a couple of weeks ago and I have been feeling the most depressed I have ever been. It feels like I am drowning. I am not even living. I feel so scared and guilty all the time. There is this deep horror and sadness every where I go. I feel so alone. I hate this. I just want to be happy. I feel so lost. I am and trying so hard to keep on going. I am trying to keep up. And do erp. But I have had to start all over again. I am just doing the basics because that is all I can handle at the moment. I feel so fragile, one thought or memory or action distroys me in seconds. I am second guessing everything. This is like torture. I am in so much pain. I feel so lost. God why me? I have POCD, so it is so much worse. I don’t feel like myself, I feel like a monster. I feel like I am disgusting. This is the worst possible person I can be and I am convinced I don’t have ocd. So much evidence is digging into my brain. I just really need some advice. I don’t want reassurance please, that will just make me worse. I have been doing erp. I have not been reassuring myself or checking which is probably why I feel so sick right now. I am not giving in but it is so hard, it is destroying me and I can’t even do the things I love. Idk, I guess I just need people to tell me I will be okay. I need maybe some erp advice. I just feel so alone and I can’t talk to the ones I love about it. I just want to be happy again. I just feel guilty and disturbed by myself constantly,
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