Is anyone else good mentally and emotionally for months/years, with no intrusive thoughts or obsessions, and then have a relapse into an “episode” that what I call them. I’ve had 4 in 8yrs, does that sound similar to anyone else?

Honestly it's just so damn painful.. Support groups like this help but sometimes they trigger my intrusive thoughts as well.. Sometimes I can't even look at myself in the mirror when I'm truly stuck in the loop of obsessing and analyzing.. but when I can I say things like 'Cmon this isn't you" "It's the OCD..Not me!" Also I was told once something I try to remember from time to time that "I am not making this happen..This is happening to me"

I just stopped taking my meds because I thought they were making it worse but I don't know if they really were or not because I literally doubt and question EVERYTHING..I do have a zoom meeting with my psych next week so I want to ask her for something that is specifically for OCD..if there is.. I'm also getting an emotional support dog.. This OCD breaks me .. Like of all the things in all the world why this? And why these god awful themes? And then I get scared I'll never have inner peace.. It is a thief of joy.. Then it eventually loops around to "What if I don't have OCD? What if I'm a bad person?" And then during these episodes I will catch a glimpse of 'Me'.. the me without the OCD symptoms kicking my ass and living a life that I can actually enjoy and be at peace with and it makes my heart so damn sad.. I guess that is what keeps me going.. trying to get back to the person that I know I am in my heart of hearts and that person is good and kind and will always help someone and never hurt anyone.. I'm sorry I know you asked a specific question and I rambled and made myself cry now lol

Don’t apologize and youre the very first person I’ve even talked to that sounds like you have the same problems as me. I thought I was alone and it’s been pure hell. We are good people. We are kind people, and we will get better.

yes

yes.. I'm in an episode now for over a month.. Like 24/7 almost some days.. I'm constantly trying to push the thoughts away but then I go right back analyzing and dissecting the intrusive thoughts.. makes me hate myself and feel like a big pile of shit

Yes I would say I'm good 99% of time outside of these episodes.. When intrusive thought would come in I could just shake it off or say my lil mental mantra and go on about my day.. In these episodes though, It's just always there nagging in the back of my mind, like hey analyze me asshole or I won't go away! This is my second worst episode.. Last one was in 2017 but I have been battling this lots of years longer tthan that.. It's really scary and painful.. I get horrible headaches and nausea because of it.. OCD has stolen the most valuable relationships from me 😭 I have to love them from a distance.

Same!! Literally all the things you named and then some! I feel like anything that could possibly make me a bad person my mind will try to throw in an intrusive thought to have me think so! Like ANYTHING! The ones that bother me the most, related to the POCD, I obsess and ruminate on more because I find it the most appalling I suppose..then when I clear my head for a moment from that I'm obsessing if I really love my man? Do I have enough faith? Do I have a purpose in life? My mind will twist and turn everything that is good that brings me peace and happiness into something terrible that makes me want to literally die

Yes we can..and as I wouldn't wish this garbage on anyone it is comforting to talk with someone that truly understands

Yes we will get better :)

I understand.. I am in an amazing relationship with my soon to be husband.. He is so amazing and everything I've ever wanted in a man.. Now the past month or so with me not being able to turn the ocd off I feel like I'm going to lose him or push him away because I am so mentally exhausted and just fucking angry at life for dealing me this hand.. It's ruining me being able to be intimate with him.. He can only understand to the extent someone without ocd can I guess.. He knows it hurts..he knows I am in pain.. But I feel so guilty that he has to deal with me sometimes

Yep!

I am appreciative just chatting with you.. My psychiatrist doesn't know my main theme because I am so ashamed and embarrassed.. Also the place where I go to see my psych is state funded and idk .. I am hopeful that I might be able to find a doctor that is reasonably priced that specializes in ocd because of lack of insurance..I did have a therapist last year for a few months that I think I might have been able to open all the way with eventually but lost her due to Covid.. Ideally I would love to have a therapist again and I am going to start meds again I think.. I keep hearing people on here mentioning prozac.. I've been on Cymbalta, lamictal, xanax, just to name a few

I'm sorry I did not reply sooner.. I just now seen this.. No I did not quit them every time.. I quit recently because I thought it was making them worse.. But idk.. maybe I just needed a med adjustment.. I hate that I can't talk to my doc in person and its all over zoom