Can someone please just talk to me and try and interpret what I’m about to say? I don’t have a therapist, and it’s hard to talk to my parents without irritating them. Okay, hi. I’ve been really good with my OCD recently, feeling genuinely happy after a long time of being completely overwhelmed. I’ve had this OCD theme for a while now, it’s basically obsessions with the idea that I could be autistic, but just not being aware of it. Despite not aligning with most if not all of the criteria for autism in females, I can’t help but obsess over whether I’m autistic without knowing, and this terrifies me. I’m not even sure why it scares me so much, I think it’s because I value my ability to communicate and I actually like blending in with crowd.. I guess, and OCD loves to attack what we value most. I understand that someone reading this will probably be confused and unsure about why I even have this theme, but I’m asking myself the same question. It has terrified me. I think it stems primarily from the fact that I heard somewhere that female autism goes undetected or the individual is usually unaware that they have it, and a billion other things that could possibly relate to me (such as the OCD-autism relation) This sent me spinning. I’ve been panicking and searching endlessly for certainty for a long time at this point. It ebbs and flows, when I’m in a period of low anxiety, the OCD obsession seems absurd and I can finally sit with myself and hang out with my friends. I’ve known people (girls) in the past who I suspect had autism, and having been friends with them, it’s just a crutch for my anxiety to latch onto - “well if you hanged out with them, that MUST say something about you”. Ugh. And my grandad had aspergers. Both my parents clearly don’t have it though, and none of my other immediate relatives do. But still, the chance I could have gotten the gene is just eating away at me. I had a bit of a breakdown recently where I scraped the internet reading EVERY single female autism article I could, X’ing off the checklist in my head, but of course, with OCD if you look, you tend to find. Deep into my OCD fuelled research I found an article. It was a personal account of a female with aspergers, where she listed about 50 traits that she finds females tend to have. Of course, out of a list of 50 different traits, it’s not outlandish to assume that you’ll identify with a few and still not be autistic. So, that happened. I can’t remember what traits exactly, but I’m fairly sure they weren’t particularly unusual things, and I remember thinking that I knew of others who did these things, but this woman still listed them. I panicked. And started to get that familiar feeling of dread, and here I am. Writing an essay in the hopes that someone will say “I’ve had that theme too!!”, even though I’m aware that thats unlikely. If you read up to this point, (wow you have patience) thank you. Genuinely.

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Okay so i have a lot to say and i know if even one of you reads this i wont feel alone… pls read if you can i would be grateful 1. So i have soocd and I don’t know if I believe it. Somedays i am good don’t feel like i have it at all and then there are days when i am miserable. 2. While i was with a friend recently she said in a very joking way that you have never really had a bf just accept it you’re a lesbian and that put me in a spot i smiles and took it as a joke but it got me thinking she could be right I haven’t liked a guy in so long what could that mean?!? I didn’t have a problem with her saying it and I don’t know what to think of it but with every thought after that i have gone back to this and thought what if this was right… 3. So people i see on the internet getting to know what they really were later in life what if that happens with me?!! What if I actually get whatever realisation it is later what would i do then and if i am thinking of this possibility then there might be some truth in it?!? For me to even think of it in the first place.. 4. I read a comment on this platform that with soocd you just never think of coming out and I didn’t too but then i had this anxiety strike when i felt like i was going to tell my mom or my friends about it but i felt like why would i ?!? Would i be lying if i do?!? What if i am not?!? It felt too real and is that some sign cause that’s opposite of what one with soocd would do… 5. A question which constantly is there is just cause we haven’t been put in a situation like that we don’t know it what if we are and we like it and then what?!? All of this would mean a lie… 6. Friends who are straight and have kissed the same sex feel no anxiety nothing are okay with it what if our anxiety with these thoughts means they actually are true cause why else would we be so bothered with them what could be the reason it could be true but just us being scared because people without this are easy going and which just like in a way proves that we are scared and that’s why we are so bothered…. 7. My past same sex childhood experiences haven’t been a help either what if i was always a bi and now just transforming into a like completely liking the same sex and why was that easy for me to write… what if i never liked guys and all that was fake… what am i supposed to do 8. Sometimes i feel i fake all of it like i saw a girl with a septum piercing and short hair and i was like looking at her and staring and idk if it was my soocd telling me she’s cute would be my type?!? But why would i even think that in the first place…. And then it was like i wanted it to be fake so i just kept reminding myself of thinking about it forcefully so its like soocd and not denial and why would i do that why did that feel so real and so fake at the same time.. its so messed up.. 9. A video on reel o saw of this girl in an all girls school and her parents sent her to stay away from boys but jokes on then cause she is not straight and i was like what if i was put in that position and there are people with soocd who think we never do that but then why do i think i would and would i be okay with it or is it my soocd making me feel so but it should make me feel the opposite.. like i should try to run away from it… 10. And like i said why would i keep noticing when it should be trigger and i should avoid it or switch it off like I don’t understand what am I supposed to to…even when i pray that i am over all of this i feel its always so fake do i even want it to be will I accept this in the near future what do i do… Lastly i just don’t know what to do or where to go from here i always feel like i am faking this and using soocd as a mode of escapism. Sometimes i think I don’t have it altogether cause the feeling of all these feelings being are so real and denial I don’t know what to trust..I don’t know if you guys will relate to me but if you do ig you’re not alone…

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.