Can someone please just talk to me and try and interpret what I’m about to say? I don’t have a therapist, and it’s hard to talk to my parents without irritating them. Okay, hi. I’ve been really good with my OCD recently, feeling genuinely happy after a long time of being completely overwhelmed. I’ve had this OCD theme for a while now, it’s basically obsessions with the idea that I could be autistic, but just not being aware of it. Despite not aligning with most if not all of the criteria for autism in females, I can’t help but obsess over whether I’m autistic without knowing, and this terrifies me. I’m not even sure why it scares me so much, I think it’s because I value my ability to communicate and I actually like blending in with crowd.. I guess, and OCD loves to attack what we value most. I understand that someone reading this will probably be confused and unsure about why I even have this theme, but I’m asking myself the same question. It has terrified me. I think it stems primarily from the fact that I heard somewhere that female autism goes undetected or the individual is usually unaware that they have it, and a billion other things that could possibly relate to me (such as the OCD-autism relation) This sent me spinning. I’ve been panicking and searching endlessly for certainty for a long time at this point. It ebbs and flows, when I’m in a period of low anxiety, the OCD obsession seems absurd and I can finally sit with myself and hang out with my friends. I’ve known people (girls) in the past who I suspect had autism, and having been friends with them, it’s just a crutch for my anxiety to latch onto - “well if you hanged out with them, that MUST say something about you”. Ugh. And my grandad had aspergers. Both my parents clearly don’t have it though, and none of my other immediate relatives do. But still, the chance I could have gotten the gene is just eating away at me. I had a bit of a breakdown recently where I scraped the internet reading EVERY single female autism article I could, X’ing off the checklist in my head, but of course, with OCD if you look, you tend to find. Deep into my OCD fuelled research I found an article. It was a personal account of a female with aspergers, where she listed about 50 traits that she finds females tend to have. Of course, out of a list of 50 different traits, it’s not outlandish to assume that you’ll identify with a few and still not be autistic. So, that happened. I can’t remember what traits exactly, but I’m fairly sure they weren’t particularly unusual things, and I remember thinking that I knew of others who did these things, but this woman still listed them. I panicked. And started to get that familiar feeling of dread, and here I am. Writing an essay in the hopes that someone will say “I’ve had that theme too!!”, even though I’m aware that thats unlikely. If you read up to this point, (wow you have patience) thank you. Genuinely.

Thank you so much! when I saw that I had a notification, my heart literally jumped out of my chest because I was praying that someone would see this and I was hoping someone could relate. And OMG... I was NOT expecting anyone else to have the same experience as me!!! Omg? But yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It’s not fun. I have a history of severe health anxiety, and I think a lot of it relates to that, because I read something and I’m like, well what if... which I’m sure you can understand. Literally everyone with OCD has the theme of, “well what if it’s not OCD and these obsessions are real”, but that’s just another trope of the condition! And no worries at all, I am just settled by the fact that I’m not alone with this and that I’m not a freak. I don’t know your specific situation, but it’s important to note that social phobias and introversion are like the crutch of all those online tests, so if you have either of those, that IS NOT to say you have autism, but the tests tend to qualify those as traits. I’m personally fairly extraverted, so I’m usually weeded out of those. Although, of course, my OCD says “well what if you’re not extraverted” which is another ‘ugh’ moment. And there is a big relationship between OCD and autism, but that doesn’t mean that to have OCD you must have autism. I have a few friends with OCD who are by no means autistic. But, I’m not aware of your specific situation so I don’t wanna be making points on behalf of you, lol. But, we can chat about this if you like!

Yeah, I’d be lying if I was to say “introversion isn’t a quality of autism”, because it is, but correlation isn’t always causation and should never be treat as that without more evidence! And yeah, you can add my insta if you’d like! I’d like to get to know more people who have OCD!! Fine if you’re not comfortable with that :-)))

i totally relate with feeling like “another”!! And I’ve had very similar situations like yours with bullying/abuse. I personally wrote it off as me just being a little “off beat” just because that’s who i am. but i can’t help but wonder if this could be accredited to some sort of mental ailment. i’ve always been referred to as “quirky” which irks me a little because sometimes it seems so alienating to be referred to as such. as if people were kind of mocking me or something?? i don’t know, it’s hard to figure out. what usually helps me cope is realizing that i’m actually comfortable with who i am and all of the little knickknacks that make me, me. even if being “another” makes me feel rather insecure sometimes, i find that its my identity none the less. i don’t know if that was too wordy lol, all this to say that i relate!!

Yeah, I had a friend who was particularly introverted, and I think being ‘quiet’ & ‘shy’ can cause you to appear vulnerable, and when someone seems vulnerable, it becomes easy for people to prey on them for their own entertainment, etc. For example, I’m 16 (17 in july) and I was close friends with a girl who I sat next to in maths. We got along really well, despite being fairly different people on the outside. She always had a very small group of friends, who l could never really jive with. A girl who I had been friends with in the past, who had a tendency to bully people found my friend, Holly and took advantage of her vulnerability. Holly is not autistic, at least I highly doubt she is, but on the surface, given what we ‘know’, she’d probably qualify to some degree as being autistic, given the parameters of the online tests. Not every single person who was bullied or felt ‘different’ is autistic. There’s a correlation, but correlation isn’t always causation! Hopefully that puts things into a bit more perspective if things are becoming blurred.

@rvpink And for the record, I approached the girl who was taking advantage of my friend Holly with my other friends, and she was SO awkward. Lmao. It’s all fun and games until people get brought up on their bullshit. So yeah, that’s my story.

@Itsgonnabeok Yes!! this does add a lot of perspective!!btw, people stink i’m sorry that happened to your friend :/ but i relate a lot with this situation. it seems like i attract people who have more overbearing, or at least in relativity to me, personalities. i’ve always described my personality as majority passive so it’s perplexing that i keep attracting fiery individuals. that’s probably why i feel so out of place socially. i’ve always thought that despite my introversion , i was especially in tune with people’s emotions and social cues and that i, myself, was a decent conversationalist . which conflicts a lot with the rather juvenile ideation i have of autism ( i.e social ineptness). i know you’ve mentioned this breifly but does this theme conflict heavily with your identity too?

@rvpink Yeah, they do, lol. Fun fact, the girl we’re talking about (her names Lucy) had come up to me a few months later at a big party. She was a little drunk so she was apologising incessantly for how she had treat Holly, and I just accepted her apology on behalf of Holly. I guess most people are redeemable, maybe, lol. But, to answer your question, autism does not correlate with how I perceive myself whatsoever, but, like most themes, that doesn’t kill off the obsession. And yeah, I’ve always gotten a long with people who aren’t like me. I seem to be drawn to quiet people, I always have. Although, I was best friends with a girl who is even more ‘fiery’ than myself for many years, and as we’ve grown we’ve drifted but I still consider her a dear friend. But by in large, I am definitely drawn to the quiet introverted types I guess. And yeah, I enjoy people a lot, and when I find someone I like it’s just the best.

@Itsgonnabeok oh lol i guess opposites really do attract. i wouldn’t go as far as to say i enjoy people but i do appreciate them a lot. but i admittedly love the feeling of “clicking” with new people as well! :,) also in having this conversation i’ve realized a lot about myself and definitely really deconstructed this obsession ( at least for the time being). the thought process that led me to believe i was on the spectrum seems a little neurotic to me now :p so i’m very thankful for this convo!! also you are so well articulated especially for your age (not that i’m much older lol, 19). it’s so refreshing to have spoken to someone like you :)

@rvpink Aw thank you so much! It’s been super rewarding to finally hear from someone who has had this theme because I was SO isolated with it. And yeah, I guess ‘enjoying’ people is a pretty extraverted thing, haha. I think a lot of these obsessions are perpetuated by the internet trivialising things that aren’t trivial and blurring the lines between mental conditions and normal human behaviour. My mum had said something when I was telling her about my obsession. Her therapist many years ago (when she was suffering with post natal depresssion) had said something very relevant to us. She said that if you were to read the DSM back to front, you’d come out with a handful of different mental illnesses, most of which you would not have. You have to be qualified to interpret the literature, and I think a lot of the time we forget this and go down rabbit holes! At least I do. Come back to this thread whenever you need to talk something out, I’m always here!!

@Itsgonnabeok you’ve enlightened me so much! especially appreciative of the dsm bit, that’s such important information to know :,) and i just saw your insta message!! my handle is @parfwana

@rvpink Yep!!! And yeah, just requested you :)