Can someone please just talk to me and try and interpret what I’m about to say? I don’t have a therapist, and it’s hard to talk to my parents without irritating them. Okay, hi. I’ve been really good with my OCD recently, feeling genuinely happy after a long time of being completely overwhelmed. I’ve had this OCD theme for a while now, it’s basically obsessions with the idea that I could be autistic, but just not being aware of it. Despite not aligning with most if not all of the criteria for autism in females, I can’t help but obsess over whether I’m autistic without knowing, and this terrifies me. I’m not even sure why it scares me so much, I think it’s because I value my ability to communicate and I actually like blending in with crowd.. I guess, and OCD loves to attack what we value most. I understand that someone reading this will probably be confused and unsure about why I even have this theme, but I’m asking myself the same question. It has terrified me. I think it stems primarily from the fact that I heard somewhere that female autism goes undetected or the individual is usually unaware that they have it, and a billion other things that could possibly relate to me (such as the OCD-autism relation) This sent me spinning. I’ve been panicking and searching endlessly for certainty for a long time at this point. It ebbs and flows, when I’m in a period of low anxiety, the OCD obsession seems absurd and I can finally sit with myself and hang out with my friends. I’ve known people (girls) in the past who I suspect had autism, and having been friends with them, it’s just a crutch for my anxiety to latch onto - “well if you hanged out with them, that MUST say something about you”. Ugh. And my grandad had aspergers. Both my parents clearly don’t have it though, and none of my other immediate relatives do. But still, the chance I could have gotten the gene is just eating away at me. I had a bit of a breakdown recently where I scraped the internet reading EVERY single female autism article I could, X’ing off the checklist in my head, but of course, with OCD if you look, you tend to find. Deep into my OCD fuelled research I found an article. It was a personal account of a female with aspergers, where she listed about 50 traits that she finds females tend to have. Of course, out of a list of 50 different traits, it’s not outlandish to assume that you’ll identify with a few and still not be autistic. So, that happened. I can’t remember what traits exactly, but I’m fairly sure they weren’t particularly unusual things, and I remember thinking that I knew of others who did these things, but this woman still listed them. I panicked. And started to get that familiar feeling of dread, and here I am. Writing an essay in the hopes that someone will say “I’ve had that theme too!!”, even though I’m aware that thats unlikely. If you read up to this point, (wow you have patience) thank you. Genuinely.

How am I supposed to live my life as a straight woman when I have all these memories of things I’ve done and evidence that proves I’m gay? I don’t understand how that’s responsible. This is my only theme, and I’ve had it on and off since I was 12. It’s been pretty “on” for the last 3 years, and I just don’t see how this is OCD. Why does this have to be my theme? Why couldn’t I get something less realistic or possible to happen? I worry that I will never be free of this, that I’ll never be able to have a relationship. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been scared of being a lesbian since I was 12. This cannot be OCD, it just cant. I simply don’t understand. I am turned on by lesbian porn, for Christ sake! Even when I’m not actively doing compulsions, the thoughts are still there, but I have no anxiety. They’re just there. I don’t understand how this can be OCD. I’ve been diagnosed several times by several different doctors, but it feels like I know I’ve been lying to them. Whenever I hear about people with REAL OCD, I get a pit in my stomach because I know I don’t have it and I’m a liar and a fraud. Also, does anyone else question the nature of this obsession? Like I feel like this is such an obscure mental illness, not to mention an obscure obsession within that mental illness. It just feels like this big elaborate story that is true for some people, but false for most (particularly me). Like, what the hell are the chances that a regular, normal girl from California has a crippling fear of being a lesbian for almost half of her life, but isn’t actually a lesbian and instead has OCD? That just seems like bullshit. It seems like a cop out. I’m saying this regarding me, not anyone else. I’d really like to talk to someone. I’m having a really hard day.

every so often i wonder if i should pursue looking into an autism diagnosis until i manage to convince myself out of it but here i am wondering again (not in the frantic ocd spiral way, but in the “it would really make sense” way). now the points against it are that no one in my family really wants to admit that i can have it because i’m pretty high-functioning and adept at navigating most social situations, but i think that’s because of their biases or misconceptions about autism. my sister is the only one who thinks i have it and she’s the one who got me seriously considering it. however, if i did have it, i think it would be pretty mild, even if it would explain a lot. if anyone reading this has autism, please let me know what you think i should do or if it’s something worth pursuing: reasons i think i have it: 1. i was extremely hyper-sensitive and overstimulated as a child. my mom says that i constantly cried myself hoarse as a baby, despite her not understanding why. 2. i walked on my tiptoes until i was 6 years old. i don’t know why but i had to train myself out of it. my mom actually got me tested for autism because of this but the doctor said that because i was meeting my milestones there was no way i could be. 3. to this day, i have a hard time maintaining eye contact. my natural instinct is to look away when speaking to people, but i know it’s rude so i force myself to look into their eyes. my hyper-awareness of this can get pretty exhausting so i hate it. making eye contact is never natural for me though. i have to actively do it but i slip a lot. 4. i prefer being alone. i have friends but i can go days or even a week without speaking to anyone. my favorite person to be with is myself, which everyone thinks is very weird. i wouldn’t call myself a recluse, but other people would. my family hates it and calls it unhealthy even though i feel fine. 5. i can navigate social situations but it’s exhausting for me. i constantly have to think of things to add to the conversation to sound “natural” and if i can’t think of anything, i stay silent, which i know is uncomfortable but i don’t know what else to do in the moment. my social battery also runs out quickly and i can be mute for the rest of the day if i get tired enough. my family also hates this because it’s rude. 6. i’m called rude a lot even though i don’t know why. i try to be very polite and most of the time i’m successful, but sometimes i say things in a conversation that makes my family lecture me after. it’s very draining and it makes me not want to speak. i usually cry after these moments because i don’t know what i’m doing wrong or how to avoid it. keep in mind, i never insult people, i never name-call or point out any flaws in what someone is saying or how they look. it’s just things i say that are considered “weird” or rough which are then interpreted as rude. 7. i hyperfixate. i don’t know if it’s the ocd brain or the possible autism but i’m typically very bored if i’m not hyperfixated on anything. i remember learning to tone this down when i got obsessed with star wars and constantly talked about it to my dad which caused him to say “you know we can talk about other things right?” i never talked to him about star wars again. 8. i’m very very routine oriented. i eat the same breakfast everyday, which can go on for years until i get tired of it and choose something else. it’s a running joke in my family. 9. if my routine is disrupted, i don’t get emotionally upset, but i’ll avoid doing whatever i should do because i don’t have what i normally want. in the breakfast case, if i don’t have the usual butter to cook with my eggs, i won’t eat because it doesn’t taste the same. i don’t do it to be stubborn. i just can’t find it in myself to eat. i think that’s everything! sorry for the long post i’m just very curious and this has been weighing on my mind. lmk what you guys think! also i want to be clear that i’m NOT self-diagnosing just as i didn’t self-diagnose when i thought i could have ocd (which i did), i just wanted to gather these facts to gain possible insight if it could be true so i could be diagnosed. thanks!

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞