FEAR OF SCIZHOPRENIA

So to give the whole run down of my story I had been on effexor for almost ayear at 37.5 mg. I thought I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. Well then I started feeling really anxious and worried. I was to embarrassed to admit to my doctor that I had stopped my medication and threw it out so far a short week and a half I started smoking a dab pen. (Sigh I hate myself still) I had a really intense panic attack and during this panic attack looked up different things about pot. Of course weed psychosis poped up and I started feeling more anxious. Well I slept this off and felt fine for a few days and haven't smoked since. Around day three me and my husband were watching scream 2. All of the sudden I started having intrusive thoughts about stabbing him. I had no idea what was going on with me and I was convinced this was me developing schizophrenia or going through psychosis. (I was and still am really ignorant about the mental illness I will admit but more on that later) I called my mom I was so scared that I was gonna hurt my husband and wanted to go to the hospital. She was scared about me going to the hospital so she convinced me to come to her house instead. At this point I decided I would start my medication again. Three days later and nothing had gotten better so I finally convinced my husband and mom to let me go to the er. They admitted me to their bh floor and the next morning I was talked to by their best psychiatrist who explained to me that what I was dealing with was OCD. He increased my effexor to 75mg and sent me home. I still struggled for about two weeks with this theme and even became very depressed about it. How could I feel that way about my husband ? But I also I felt guilty as I felt as if I had triggered this mental illness to develop in me. Anyway. Then once that intrusive thought stopped bothering me I started to get fixated on psychosis and schizophrenia. I would research for hours and hours on end (not in the greatest of places mainly tik tok and reddit😑) and I came across this girl on tiktok saying she was in a psych hospital because she believed the world was a simulation. It scared me I started questioning my own belief in reality to because of this. Could everything be a simulation? Was reality real or perceived? It freaked me out so much I felt TW suicidal and again went to the er. Well same thing they kept me just over night said hey guess what this is your ocd and you need to give your meds more time to work also your pregnant. Which is one of the only positive things in my life right now. They sent me home and things got better until my anxiety over all of this became so unbearable I started to experience derealization. I was referred by my psychiatrist (who wasn't really good) to a IOP program. There I was prescribed a increase in effexor, trazadone, and buspar all after talking to someone for 20 min. Needles to say between that and hormones I was not feeling great. Increased derealization/throwing up everything I put in my body which resulted in er trips to get iv fluids because I would be severely dehydrated/ blurred vision/ out burst of anxiety that would then turn to frustration and anger. I told the psychiatrist that and she swore I would not go through withdrawal and took me off of everything cutting me down back to my 37.5 mg of effexor. I went through extreme withdrawal which Increased my throwing up and anxiety which then increased the derealization. In this time I became desperate worried once again I was going through psychosis or schizophrenia. So I started researching symptoms and taking test online and again watching videos. I learned about citards delusion and began to go in my head "I'm dead" "I've felt this way before" even though I hadn't until reading it. My original psychiatrist then said "you aren't suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia because you are to aware and this only happened after you read about it" eventually I made it through and became just depressed. My depression had been so bad I didn't even feel like showering so I started to look up if this is normal and of course anehdonia came up which is a symptom of schizophrenia(as well as depression which I do have mdd without psychotic features) I became convinced again. This was it. I was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't gonna be able to live a normal life (ignorant) I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (bigoted) and my husband and family would no longer love me (wtf). My psychiatrist in attempt to make me understand told me that anehdonia is much different in schizophrenia then depression and that I again wasn't suffering from schizophrenia. He even told me about a patient who had schizophrenia that he seen that couldn't recognize her husband. This sat with me and not in a good way. My intrusive thoughts then became "That's not your husband" while looking at my husband. Which of course would make me anxious. Why was I thinking this ? Did I honestly believe it or not? I wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :( anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :( anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. /l

Username: PierceMPierceM

Date posted: 2y ago

wow you are strong❤️, I have been having the same fear 24/7! I am terrified of going crazy and i think about it all the time which makes me get stressed, then I think I can only go on for so long before I snap😂 due to the stress and anxiety amounts. But always find a way to obsess over it. its 4am now and haven’t been able fall back asleep for a couple hours now. I recently started Prozac and am two weeks in. I get this feeling of an orb ish thing around my head(it’s hard to describe) and feel slightly dizzy and not always in the moment, like I am ruminating a lot about ocd and if I am developing physcosis or schizophrenia. And my dreams are very vivid and part of the night feel linked to my ocd which makes me anxious in the middle of the night. it’s exhausting even though it’s only been two weeks. The one thing that actually helped me besides therapy was trying saffron gummies which i took at lowest dose( the happy ollie gummies) they helped me tremendously with anxiety, ocd and focusing. but I am pretty sure you can only take them for about 2-3 months periods. I hope you get better and find some relief 🥲. also congratulations on your pregnancy!

Username: G. Z. LG. Z. L

Date posted: 2y ago

@PierceM I’m on the same boat right now!! Scared of going insane or developing psychosis:( Hope you guys ar better

Username: Hope!!Hope!!

Date posted: 2y ago

It’s 3am and I’m looking up if anyone has ever felt this way

Username: lfaboslfabos

Date posted: 1y ago

Omfg I'm so sorry you went through all of this. You are so so strong. How are you doing now? I have an immense fear of the same things you do. I've found to to be very common in the ocd community. I hope you have found a bit of healing since this post 🤞 ❤️

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

I related to everything you said here!! It’s literal hell. How are you doing? I know this is old

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 1y ago

Hey so I have psychosis/schizophrenia ocd and also harm ocd. I have an extremely similiar experience to you. I wanted to mention that I really think you should get a genomind test done. I went through a really bad mental breakdown constant intrusive thoughts convinced I was getting schizophrenia, was put on Prozac, antipsychotics, ect. Just to find out on a genomind test that all the common ssris (Prozac, Zoloft, ect.) my body didn’t even metabolize!!! So they weren’t working or if anything making me worse!! the test showed me I metabolized snris better (pristiq, Wellbutrin,ect.) my doctor put me on pristiq 100mg and I got a lot better it took a couple months but I was much able to function. I suggest u look up “genomind mental health map” and do the test kit, once ur results come back show them to your psychiatrist. It could seriously change your life.

Username: LeaLou

Date posted: 3y ago

Just venting...sharing my experince. Very afraid, but going on meds and seeking treatment from NOCD. Triggers: False Memory OCD about Cheating and POCD I have struggled with what I assume to be False Memory OCD for about 10 years now... I'm a 33 y/o female. I've gone to a couple of therapists, one a specialist who was the first to ever recognize the sub-type of OCD I was likely dealing with. My flare ups happen when I'm in a relationship, and I will have this sudden thought/fear that I was sexually inappropriate with someone (perhaps someone I was working with, had been around). Eventually a scenario will pop into my head, or I'll *create* a scenario, and mentally check/compulse for HOURS and MONTHS to see if these things really happened. I'll go back and forth thinking these things happened and didn't happen. They end up feeling very real, and I can never decipher 'deep down' if they truly happened or not. It's just this cycle of "Review, Review, Review, eh maybe this didn't happen, Review, Review, Oh GOD I think this happened....did this really happen? Do I really think this happened? Oh god I did...I need to figure this out some more..." I've had many scenarios in the past where I've eventally gone to the person I thought I may have done something innapropriate with, and they reassured me it was all in my head. And then at one point I had one where I mostly convinved myself I sexually abused my boyfriends child....I became suicidal. Fast forward to now, I'm in a new relationship of about 8 months with EASILY the love of my life... In the past 4 months I've had two instances where I had thoughts/fears 'latch' on: 1) I became convinced I was sexually innapropriate with a friend and 2) months later another where I got it in my head I slept with my boyfriend's best friend when he visited us for a night. In particular with that last one, at the end I became pretty damn convinced I snuck up into the loft and slept with him. I get these thoughts and scenarios in my head, then mentally review and imagine those scenarios to see if they happend. Particularly with the second one, I become pretty damn convinved I did it....a certain image will really 'stick' and it's like omg shit...I think that happened! But I eventually checked with both people, who both reassured me I had done NOTHING by any stretch of the imagination. Just as I was starting to accept maybe this was all just my OCD, I had a fear/thought latch on that I was sexually innapropriate with my boyfriend's 3 year old nephew the last time the three of us went out and I was alone with him...about a few months ago in the spring. Initially I was like oh shit...not THIS scary stuff again...I'm just going to ignore it. I've seen him multiple times since then, even this last weekend...SURELY if I had done this stuff it would have been in my conscious before and I would KNOW." Well, now I have a scenario in my head that I kinda think happened...it feels like it did when I imagine it and do those mental reviewing/compulsions. And I'm torn up over it...it makes me want to throw up and just...die. It's horrifing. I spend all my time memory reviewing...." Did I do this? Lets imagine it and see...oh my god I think I did this! Did I really?? No, this has JUST got to be your OCD bullshit....but then why am I thinking this happened when I imagine it?! I would KNOW if I had done this...do I know? Am I just not admitting it to myself because I am scared?" And the cycle of fear continues. I don't even have a deep gut belief that it DIDN'T happen....just like, "I would HATE myself if I had done this. I don't want this to be true, it's HORRIFIC!" So I just spend my time in complete fear and depression, and then I'll get pissed and be like "NO. It's your OCD. It pretty much fits your patterns, so if it walks and quacks like an OCD duck...it's OCD! And you KNOW you cannot trust your mind to 'figure out' if you truly did these things or not." Which gives me peace b/c then I don't have to believe my thoughts when I think these things happened....but then I feel like I'm just in denial and using that as an excuse to not have to deal with the ramifications of having done this shit. And around we go. If I look at my patterns of OCD over the past 10 years, it certainly fits my pattern...but this last one with the child I pretty automatically got into the headspace of "omg I think I did this!" when I imagine the scenario and mentally review. And it's just like....WTF, I would never want to do this! The first time I thought I hurt a kid it mortified me and I wanted to die! And here it is again and I'm terrified and wouldn't want to live b/c I'm a terrible person. Yesterday I decided to call my doctor and have been put on Clomipramine....I've always gone unmedicated b/c I'm afraid of anti-depressent side effects. I'm also going to get help from a NOCD therapist. I've told my boyfriend all of these things and he is SUPER supportive and loving, for which I'm grateful. I'm just really scared. He told me IF something did happen with his nephew, we would get me help b/c obviously I'm not that type of person and I self- shame and self-flagellate way more than anyone who ACTUALLY does these things would. I just...would be devastated if I did this disgusting thing to a child. I'm just so afraid I'm thinking it happened b/c it did happen....but then another part of my brain is like you KNOW this shit pretty much follows your OCD patterns and latched onto you like OCD does. It's OCD brain, and you CANNOT trust your thoughts. So take the leap of faith it is OCD... I'm just also afraid that it's real....if it is, there is no way my boyfriend should be with me. He wants to eventually get married and I couldn't do that to him....to his nephew...to their family...I would hate myself for forever and just live my life in solitude b/c I'm no good for this world or for anybody, and ruined my relationship with the love of my life. Not sure why I'm posting this ....I guess hearing other people's struggles makes me feel less alone. It's isolating in my own head.

Username: JacquelineHe...

Date posted: 2y ago

Scizo ocd

for the longest my ocd had been fixated on harm ocd and then on developing schizophrenia and then on psychotic disorder in general. I first feared that maybe I would start hallucinating. But I never did and the ocd got board and moved on to delusions. I've read so many delusions that my ocd intrusive thoughts have "mimiced" it's not even funny. The one about the world being a simulation/people poisoning things/what if people are out to get me/cotards. All ONLY appearing after I've read them However I also have bouts of exestinal ocd and dpdr the fuels the fire to not only the exestinal theme but the psychosis one as well. Sometimes when the dpdr kicks in it feel as if my husband (who I love very much) is a stranger or a different version of himself. I also have moments where his face is completely unrecognizable. But I still know who he is. I feel disconnected from my emotions at times as well as my memories. I have worked with many people with my mental helath. It used to be a compulsion of mine to seek reassurance from New provoiders. All of them had said I'm absolutely not suffering from anything on the psychotic spectrum nor am I close. But you know ocd makes you doubt. Anyway before I started seeing my ocd specialist I looked up "mental helath problems that can cause people to feel like stranger" of course dp/dr came up but so did a "fun" little delusion called the capgras delusion. I had never heard of this so I was like huh let me read about it. BAD.DECISON. instantly I was convinced that that was what I was suffering from. I freaked out then my intrusive thoughts switched. "What if your husband has been replaced" I didn't know wether to laugh or cry because of course he hasn't been that doesn't happen so then why was I thinking it? Did I beleive it ? Is that why I was thinking it over and over again? I told myself of course not. It's not like I was trying to get away from him/aliens don't exist and I don't beleive in clones or doppelganger. And I definitely don't think even if they were real someone would waste their time with fucking with my life. But the thought kept creeping in making me anxious and worried that I was going psychotic and the feeling of disconnect from the dpdr didn't help. When I got calmed down I was like duh I never beleived that it was just my ocd playing with my fears. People don't get replaced But then the ocd was like "what if they do though" and the cycle started again. I don't beleive it but sometimes the fear makes me wonder if I do. This is so stupid I want it to stop. My therapist and psych again said this is all ocd not a delusion or capgras. I've also had a mri done and my brain is perfectly healthy. I guess I'm just looking for anyone with a similar experience?

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 44w ago

Is this a life worth living?

[F20] As early as sixth grade, I've displayed symptoms of health anxiety/OCD. Every holiday breaks, when my mind isn't constantly stimulated and I'm stuck in the house, I find myself constantly fixated on a health issue. From heart failure, brain tumor, ALS, leukemia, everything. However, when school resumes and I'm once again occupied with academics, I don't fixate anymore (or at least very little only). But this year was different. We're barely eight weeks in 2024 but I've had multiple themes from schizophrenia trigerred by a Reddit post, cryptic pregnancy (btw im a virgin) trigerred by a delayed period, tetanus trigerred by doing my nails and once again, schizophrenia. During these times, I literally experience physical symptoms such as nausea & puking related to pregnancy, and jaw pain related to tetanus. But then, right now, I'm fixating on the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. Two weeks ago, I was laying in bed when I think I saw a rat climbing on my bed side. I got spooked and when I was about to shoo it away, it's nowhere to be found. Less than 5 seconds in, my first thought was that was a hallucination. Decided to not dwell again on it until a similar thing happened days later. I was lying down in same position, when I thought I saw an ant in my bedside again. Memories of what happened prior flash back, and when I was about to look for it, it was genuinely gone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I told my boyfriend about this but he said that it might really be difficult to look for that ant as my room was dark with only my night light on. Days later, it turned out there was a rat that my mom was trying to catch around the house and dead ants outside my room as my mom just sprayed on them. But I was still scared. Genuinely scared. Weeks have passed and I cant seem to shake the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. In fact, it manifested to more visual pseudohallucinations. For example, I kept on mistaking things on my peripheral as bugs (as I read they're a common hallucination among people w schz). I've got intense eye floaters. Tiny movement from my peripheral, and my brain will try to perceive what is it and think that I'm hallucinating. I thought of my clothes hung at my door as a person. Tiny speck of dirt, I'd immediately think of as ants. In fact, I thought I saw a human shadow on our television turned out that it was the details of our door. For weeks, I've also been reading about this disorder and I think I've been manifesting their symptoms, policing my thought process, and reviewing my behavior. I've read that schz diagnozed are paranoid about stuff like being followed and watched, and all of a sudden, I'm thinking "What if I get those delusions?", "What if I'm being watched?" — and there goes that tiring cycle of overthinking. I've also noticed that most of them report of audio hallucination, and I just legit manifested it! I thought I heard my mom calling me from the living room! Oh my God. I've also been trying to contradict some symptoms. For example, I try to be expressive on my facial expressions as I read those diagnosed struggle with it. I've been tidying my space a lot lately as most schz patients often oversee them. I also been meticulous with my hygiene. I try to stay positive, and go out of the house, go to the gym, as diagnosed ppl often struggle with them. I continued doing some academic works since I'm on break, to see if I still have the same mental capacity. For the record, I'm an active student in our uni org, a dean's lister, and serves in my church. I'm in my final year of uni and the leader of my thesis group. To be honest, I'm scared. We're poor. We can barely afford treatment. I don't want this life. I'm only 20 — the prime years of my life. I've so much dreams. I want to have a job, move to an apartment in the city, hike mountains, ride a roller coaster, see my nieces and nephew grow up, surprise my parents with a trip to Italy, watch my friends succeed, see the world. I've only just experienced falling in love and to love. I hope to grow old, to love and be loved. And as I ponder on my current state, this is not the life that I want to lead. I don't to be my mind's own prisoner. I'm scared. And tired.

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