FEAR OF SCIZHOPRENIA

So to give the whole run down of my story I had been on effexor for almost ayear at 37.5 mg. I thought I didn't need it anymore because I was feeling better. Well then I started feeling really anxious and worried. I was to embarrassed to admit to my doctor that I had stopped my medication and threw it out so far a short week and a half I started smoking a dab pen. (Sigh I hate myself still) I had a really intense panic attack and during this panic attack looked up different things about pot. Of course weed psychosis poped up and I started feeling more anxious. Well I slept this off and felt fine for a few days and haven't smoked since. Around day three me and my husband were watching scream 2. All of the sudden I started having intrusive thoughts about stabbing him. I had no idea what was going on with me and I was convinced this was me developing schizophrenia or going through psychosis. (I was and still am really ignorant about the mental illness I will admit but more on that later) I called my mom I was so scared that I was gonna hurt my husband and wanted to go to the hospital. She was scared about me going to the hospital so she convinced me to come to her house instead. At this point I decided I would start my medication again. Three days later and nothing had gotten better so I finally convinced my husband and mom to let me go to the er. They admitted me to their bh floor and the next morning I was talked to by their best psychiatrist who explained to me that what I was dealing with was OCD. He increased my effexor to 75mg and sent me home. I still struggled for about two weeks with this theme and even became very depressed about it. How could I feel that way about my husband ? But I also I felt guilty as I felt as if I had triggered this mental illness to develop in me. Anyway. Then once that intrusive thought stopped bothering me I started to get fixated on psychosis and schizophrenia. I would research for hours and hours on end (not in the greatest of places mainly tik tok and reddit😑) and I came across this girl on tiktok saying she was in a psych hospital because she believed the world was a simulation. It scared me I started questioning my own belief in reality to because of this. Could everything be a simulation?  Was reality real or perceived?  It freaked me out so much I felt TW suicidal and again went to the er. Well same thing they kept me just over night said hey guess what this is your ocd and you need to give your meds more time to work also your pregnant. Which is one of the only positive things in my life right now. They sent me home and things got better until my anxiety over all of this became so unbearable I started to experience derealization. I was referred by my psychiatrist (who wasn't really good) to a IOP program. There I was prescribed a increase in effexor, trazadone, and buspar all after talking to someone for 20 min. Needles to say between that and hormones I was not feeling great. Increased derealization/throwing up everything I put in my body which resulted in er trips to get iv fluids because I would be severely dehydrated/ blurred vision/ out burst of anxiety that would then turn to frustration and anger. I told the psychiatrist that and she swore I would not go through withdrawal and took me off of everything cutting me down back to my 37.5 mg of effexor. I went through extreme withdrawal which Increased my throwing up and anxiety which then increased the derealization. In this time I became desperate worried once again I was going through psychosis or schizophrenia. So I started researching symptoms and taking test online and again watching videos. I learned about citards delusion and began to go in my head "I'm dead" "I've felt this way before" even though I hadn't until reading it. My original psychiatrist then said "you aren't suffering from psychosis or schizophrenia because you are to aware and this only happened after you read about it" eventually I made it through and became just depressed. My depression had been so bad I didn't even feel like showering so I started to look up if this is normal and of course anehdonia came up which is a symptom of schizophrenia(as well as depression which I do have mdd without psychotic features) I became convinced again. This was it. I was developing schizophrenia and I wasn't gonna be able to live a normal life (ignorant) I wouldn't be able to be a good mom (bigoted) and my husband and family would no longer love me (wtf). My psychiatrist in attempt to make me understand told me that anehdonia is much different in schizophrenia then depression and that I again wasn't suffering from schizophrenia. He even told me about a patient who had schizophrenia that he seen that couldn't recognize her husband. This sat with me and not in a good way. My intrusive thoughts then became "That's not your husband" while looking at my husband. Which of course would make me anxious. Why was I thinking this ? Did I honestly believe it or not? I wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. wasn't trying to get away from him. I still felt comfortable around him but my brain was trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I could rationalize that of course I didn't beleive it and here is why. But others I would get so anxious because of that thought that I would wonder if I did beleive it. This caused me to become very depressed. My psychiatrist was at the end of his rope with me (his words not mine) and decided to prescribed me seroquel in adjunctive with my effexor. He started it only at 12.5 mg to help with my "untreable depression" ( I would also like to note I have tried lexapro and it made me a bitch and I have tried Prozac but it made me more suicidal.) Now of course with my fear being schizophrenia I was triggered by being prescribed a anti psychotic. But I was told this is actually a common practice during pregnancy (found out later there were plenty more ssri we could have tried that were safer during pregnancy and his main reason for perscibing the seroquel was "pregnancy safety") well ther seroquel made me a zombie for a few days. Sure I wasn't over thinking anymore but I also felt like all I wanted to do was sleep and nothing else. Then after the "adjustment period" I started right back on this "that's not your husband" bs and felt suicidal more then I ever had. I even had a plan this time (I know some of yall are probably gonna judge due to me being pregnant and trust me I feel the same way about my self :(  anyway I told my husband and he was reluctant but eventually gave in to taking me to the er. But this time I was actually admitted for a week. They uped the seroquel to 25 mg and the same process started over I felt like a zombie and then the thought started again. My husband visited me everyday. I wanted to be better and go home but also wanted these thoughts to stop as they scared me even more convincing me that I was schizophrenic and that I would lose my life and become unfunctional (bigoted I know) but not one not two but three psychiatrist assured me again this was my OCD. I was released and was still having thoughts and intense anxiety and passing suicidal thoughts. 🙃 my at home psychiatrist AGAIN assured me it wasn't schizophrenia but my dumb brain would let it go so I started to research my symptoms as he increased the seroquel to 37.5. Once again a zombie and then bam worse anxiety. I found a word to "fit" my "symptoms" to the convince myself that I was indeed schizophrenic (even though I have been told now by SIX. yep SIX psychiatrist that I am not) capgras was the word and man have a ran with it. I started messaging my doctor every day asking if I was delusional for having these thoughts or feelings. He assured me every single time that I was because I was to aware and I didn't come up with this thinking on my own and that I also wasn't trying to get away with my husband and the way I presented proved other wise. (I will give him this he was patient) I asked about zoloft as it is safer during pregnancy and is better for OCD (based off of research I did) and also explained how bad the seroquel made me feel. He denied my request and increased the seroquel once again to 50 mg. This time I had no zombie period just increased anxiety around this "that's not your husband" thought. Again reality testing in check unless I was super anxious. I begged him that my anxiety was becoming unbearable and he recommended because he didn't want to xhabge my medication just to go back to the hospital. My therapist disagreed with him and told me not to because they don't take people just for anxiety/ocd/ and medication management it's for crisis only. So I got rid of him and am now in the process of getting a new psychiatrist. My therapist who has also told me it's not schizophrenia but just really severe OCD that we would start erp therapy starting with breaking my compulsions of resurance seeking and looking things up. I still have the (if you will) fake delusional thought process about my husband but it is slowly decreasing (I hope) but my fear about schizophrenia and not being functional or losing my baby or  husband or becoming dangerous and forgetting loved ones counties. Again I know this comes from limited and terribly bigoted ideas of the illness. I'm posting this to see if anyone has went through anything similar so I know I'm not alone. As well as to learn more about schizophrenia so I am no longer ignorant to it (and possibly can decrease my fear) also I'm nervous to talk to a new psychiatrist as I always am because what if they find something the other 6 professionals haven't? (Dumb right) anyway if you read all of that thank you. /l