I was hospitalized and this has been the darkest time of my life

I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk. I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die. Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it. Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal. How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?

7 years ago I was a raging drug addict. I took any and all kinds of drugs without second thought of consequences. When I had my first child it’s like a switch flipped in my brain. Within her first 6 months of life I had over 12 visits to the ER. I was (still am) constantly afraid of developing a life threatening disease / illness or having a sudden health event (stroke / heart attack / heart failure / brain tumor / cancer ) develop. I’ve seen over 10 Specialist from autoimmune, heart, eyes, neurology , stomach , skin, etc. I’ve got a seemingly well bill of health but I become so hyper aware of every small change within my body. It’s. Constant state of fear and anxiety. Headache = likely tumor / aneurysm , small pain in chest or arm = heart problems , mild cold = covid or some rare disease , etc. Lately, my heart has been my fixation. I was having tachycardia going to the ER 2x a week. EKGs normal, 24hr monitor normal, X-RAY normal. Shortly after I notice my resting heart rate went down as low as 50bpm. I looked through my history over the months and that seems pretty normal for me I just hadn’t noticed before. Now I’ve been worried about my heart for weeks even tho my dr says I’m okay. It’s exhausting to be afraid of sickness and death 24/7. When I get focused on these thoughts it pulls me away from my kids and husband and daily tasks. I either full blown panic or shut down in fear. Anyone else relate? What helps you? I don’t want to rely on medications as I have so many adverse reactions to the 10+ I’ve tried! - oh year here’s another one - I’m afraid of allergic reactions as well I CONSTANTLY fear I will have an allergic reaction to medications / foods or over dose on things like Tylenol and Ibuprofen or mix meds and have reactions.

[F20] As early as sixth grade, I've displayed symptoms of health anxiety/OCD. Every holiday breaks, when my mind isn't constantly stimulated and I'm stuck in the house, I find myself constantly fixated on a health issue. From heart failure, brain tumor, ALS, leukemia, everything. However, when school resumes and I'm once again occupied with academics, I don't fixate anymore (or at least very little only). But this year was different. We're barely eight weeks in 2024 but I've had multiple themes from schizophrenia trigerred by a Reddit post, cryptic pregnancy (btw im a virgin) trigerred by a delayed period, tetanus trigerred by doing my nails and once again, schizophrenia. During these times, I literally experience physical symptoms such as nausea & puking related to pregnancy, and jaw pain related to tetanus. But then, right now, I'm fixating on the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. Two weeks ago, I was laying in bed when I think I saw a rat climbing on my bed side. I got spooked and when I was about to shoo it away, it's nowhere to be found. Less than 5 seconds in, my first thought was that was a hallucination. Decided to not dwell again on it until a similar thing happened days later. I was lying down in same position, when I thought I saw an ant in my bedside again. Memories of what happened prior flash back, and when I was about to look for it, it was genuinely gone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I told my boyfriend about this but he said that it might really be difficult to look for that ant as my room was dark with only my night light on. Days later, it turned out there was a rat that my mom was trying to catch around the house and dead ants outside my room as my mom just sprayed on them. But I was still scared. Genuinely scared. Weeks have passed and I cant seem to shake the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. In fact, it manifested to more visual pseudohallucinations. For example, I kept on mistaking things on my peripheral as bugs (as I read they're a common hallucination among people w schz). I've got intense eye floaters. Tiny movement from my peripheral, and my brain will try to perceive what is it and think that I'm hallucinating. I thought of my clothes hung at my door as a person. Tiny speck of dirt, I'd immediately think of as ants. In fact, I thought I saw a human shadow on our television turned out that it was the details of our door. For weeks, I've also been reading about this disorder and I think I've been manifesting their symptoms, policing my thought process, and reviewing my behavior. I've read that schz diagnozed are paranoid about stuff like being followed and watched, and all of a sudden, I'm thinking "What if I get those delusions?", "What if I'm being watched?" — and there goes that tiring cycle of overthinking. I've also noticed that most of them report of audio hallucination, and I just legit manifested it! I thought I heard my mom calling me from the living room! Oh my God. I've also been trying to contradict some symptoms. For example, I try to be expressive on my facial expressions as I read those diagnosed struggle with it. I've been tidying my space a lot lately as most schz patients often oversee them. I also been meticulous with my hygiene. I try to stay positive, and go out of the house, go to the gym, as diagnosed ppl often struggle with them. I continued doing some academic works since I'm on break, to see if I still have the same mental capacity. For the record, I'm an active student in our uni org, a dean's lister, and serves in my church. I'm in my final year of uni and the leader of my thesis group. To be honest, I'm scared. We're poor. We can barely afford treatment. I don't want this life. I'm only 20 — the prime years of my life. I've so much dreams. I want to have a job, move to an apartment in the city, hike mountains, ride a roller coaster, see my nieces and nephew grow up, surprise my parents with a trip to Italy, watch my friends succeed, see the world. I've only just experienced falling in love and to love. I hope to grow old, to love and be loved. And as I ponder on my current state, this is not the life that I want to lead. I don't to be my mind's own prisoner. I'm scared. And tired.