CW: fears of bigotry - I would feel absolutely horrible if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no intention of minimizing the genuine trauma and injustice of oppressive systems. I beg of you not to read this if you might be insulted, and I apologize in advance for any potential harm my honesty might cause. I really hope it doesn’t. Also CW for anxiety about worthlessness/stupidity and lying/exaggerating diagnosis. Hey everyone. I want to start by saying that, if you’re only logging on for a few minutes, you don’t need to prioritize my post. I know many folks on here are in crisis and don’t have much of a support system, and I believe they need and deserve responses before I do. (I have a therapist and supportive family.) But I’ve been afraid to post on here for a few months now, and I’m finally doing it, though I don’t really know why, because it feels futile + wrong. I’m so terrified that I’m a worthless person in every way. I feel like I’m a disgusting bigot. I have horrible racist thoughts and I know I’m not sufficiently disturbed by them. I was diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like I’m just using this as an excuse when I am, in truth, an unforgivable monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that, if I was truly who I think and fear I am, I wouldn’t be so disturbed by my thoughts, but I just don’t believe that’s true, even if I wish it were. I know that these beliefs are evil because of the environment I grew up in, but wanting to be anti-oppressive doesn’t necessarily mean one is; anybody can hold bigoted beliefs, even if they don’t like them, and I feel I must pay attention to them and suffer as a result. I’m currently on leave from college and I know I’m going to have to go back because that’s what my parents want, but I truly feel I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel I should suffer in perpetuity and be isolated from society; otherwise, I may forget how diabolical I truly am. I feel terrified that I’m exaggerating my suffering; that I’m not depressed or anxious enough and that I’m too easily getting through the day, which a good person with these thoughts or a truly mentally ill person never could, but that I’m not even afraid enough of being a liar. I need to be a good person and do the right thing, but I’m being forced into treatment, which I know is a privilege; however, I fear it will desensitize me from my horribleness, thereby making me even worse. I’ve tried so hard to believe I’m not this awful person, because I desperately don’t want to be, but I can’t delude myself when the evidence is overwhelming. I know that if these were just intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t have the right ones sometimes and the wrong ones in other situations; I wouldn’t be able to so easily move past them, and there wouldn’t be exceptions to my horrible beliefs. I also know that I am a worthless person in other ways. I am so stupid, incompetent, and irresponsible. I don’t even know how to navigate getting around my city despite being 20, I lack common sense and basic knowledge - I am a horrible human being and I feel like I lied to myself for my whole life.

wheeleri

Date posted: 3y

OCD is making you believe that by getting the treatment you need, your values will become corrupted. It’s telling you that you must isolate yourself from others to protect them. But you deserve to love yourself. I could list many reasons I can see from reading your post to tell you why you’re not the monster you think you are, but that won’t give you the closure you need. If you haven’t looked into ERP yet, start now.

Locna

Date posted: 3y

Love is patient enough to be there for a fellow. Kind enough to pick you up when you've let yourself down. Love doesn't judge, rather observed the feelings in a conversation. OCD is distressing because it's the opposite of love. It's all the parts that judge and beat you up when your down. In return many of us project these feelings into others or onto ourselves. That's why you've got all this stress. Love yourself. Open up to your vulnerability. Own your truth. I was raised up racist to my own race and yes I say racist things sometimes because honestly it takes time to figure it out. It sucks because I mix words up and say stuff that's embarrassing but ultimately I have to remember to think before I speak. Even when I'm doing light things like laundry or having fun. Try to remember it takes time to get rid of a impulse.

mothmanda

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3y

I also have the racism theme and understand everything you’ve said more than I could tell you… You’re caught in this horrible cycle where no matter how much you care about trying to protect others from the harm that exists in your thoughts, you will never be satisfied with yourself— not as long as you grant those thoughts the power to hold you down in a super hyper-apologetic state all the damn time. It’s exhausting and hurts so so much. You seem like you care a lot about the people around you though, and like your intrusive thoughts really are just a twisted, backwards reflection of that fact. I hope you’ll soon see that our thoughts and actions will 1. Never be completely perfect or pure and that’s okay. 2. Thoughts are just thoughts even if they linger too long and you can choose which ones you do/don’t identify with 3. As these racist thoughts pass through your mind, you don’t need to accept them as your own or let them own you. Clearly you do not identify with these thoughts based on everything you just said. Even if the OCD tricks you into thinking you are responsible for what thoughts you have/don’t have. 4. You’re trying your best to be good and are actually working way too hard at it. You deserve a break from all this harshness towards yourself, and to let yourself take up space and find some degree of peace. I actually find my thoughts/compulsions become less severe when I’m kinder to myself and they probably will for you too. (These are reminders for myself for both of us I think because I am also struggling with these things a lot rn. Its fucking awful and I hear you❤️)

mirandakj

Date posted: 3y

@mothmanda Hi mothmanda! Sorry I’m responding to this so incredibly late, but it means so much to me knowing I’m not the only person feeling this way, and I truly appreciate that you shared so much with me. I’m sending you good vibes, and I hope things get better for you. I’m really thankful we were able to connect; it’s helped me feel a little less isolated!

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