CW: fears of bigotry - I would feel absolutely horrible if I made anyone feel uncomfortable. I have no intention of minimizing the genuine trauma and injustice of oppressive systems. I beg of you not to read this if you might be insulted, and I apologize in advance for any potential harm my honesty might cause. I really hope it doesn’t. Also CW for anxiety about worthlessness/stupidity and lying/exaggerating diagnosis. Hey everyone. I want to start by saying that, if you’re only logging on for a few minutes, you don’t need to prioritize my post. I know many folks on here are in crisis and don’t have much of a support system, and I believe they need and deserve responses before I do. (I have a therapist and supportive family.) But I’ve been afraid to post on here for a few months now, and I’m finally doing it, though I don’t really know why, because it feels futile + wrong. I’m so terrified that I’m a worthless person in every way. I feel like I’m a disgusting bigot. I have horrible racist thoughts and I know I’m not sufficiently disturbed by them. I was diagnosed with OCD, but I feel like I’m just using this as an excuse when I am, in truth, an unforgivable monster. I’ve had therapists tell me that, if I was truly who I think and fear I am, I wouldn’t be so disturbed by my thoughts, but I just don’t believe that’s true, even if I wish it were. I know that these beliefs are evil because of the environment I grew up in, but wanting to be anti-oppressive doesn’t necessarily mean one is; anybody can hold bigoted beliefs, even if they don’t like them, and I feel I must pay attention to them and suffer as a result. I’m currently on leave from college and I know I’m going to have to go back because that’s what my parents want, but I truly feel I am a horrible person and I don’t deserve success or happiness. I feel I should suffer in perpetuity and be isolated from society; otherwise, I may forget how diabolical I truly am. I feel terrified that I’m exaggerating my suffering; that I’m not depressed or anxious enough and that I’m too easily getting through the day, which a good person with these thoughts or a truly mentally ill person never could, but that I’m not even afraid enough of being a liar. I need to be a good person and do the right thing, but I’m being forced into treatment, which I know is a privilege; however, I fear it will desensitize me from my horribleness, thereby making me even worse. I’ve tried so hard to believe I’m not this awful person, because I desperately don’t want to be, but I can’t delude myself when the evidence is overwhelming. I know that if these were just intrusive thoughts, I wouldn’t have the right ones sometimes and the wrong ones in other situations; I wouldn’t be able to so easily move past them, and there wouldn’t be exceptions to my horrible beliefs. I also know that I am a worthless person in other ways. I am so stupid, incompetent, and irresponsible. I don’t even know how to navigate getting around my city despite being 20, I lack common sense and basic knowledge - I am a horrible human being and I feel like I lied to myself for my whole life.

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

I know confessing is not necessarily positive all the time but it’s important for me to say this anonymously so that I can say it one day to my therapist. I have become terrified to look at Asian people. My ROCD attached to my boyfriend’s racist past in his early teens, and despite his genuine effort towards change and the fact he’s been an incredible partner to me as a POC We’ve had some amazing conversations and he had made so many choices (dropping friends, reporting racism in institutions, standing up for me, advocating for minorities online, boycotting) that prove he has truly changed over the years. However my OCD’s attachment to his past has become the main theme of my life and was the reason I first sought therapy- I felt like I was going insane, like there was a physical, staticky, black wall between us. I’d have images of people of colour and things I knew he had said flash in my mind. I feared and imagined the judgement of all around me, while being genuinely happy to be with him. Last summer while in conversation he almost said a racial slur regarding Asian people (while reading it and referencing it). He stopped himself before he finished the word and apologised profusely. But it spiralled me into a depression- for a while I almost couldn’t even get out of bed. I felt debilitated. It made me realise there was something wrong. Since then (over a year) I feel genuinely fear, sometimes edging on terror when I see, talk to or interact with Asian people. On social media I can’t watch them in videos, in person I find myself between staring and being unable to look. It makes me feel disgusting. I’ve convinced myself it means I must be truly, deeply racist, even though I’m a POC. I’m getting better, over time, but also I’m so afraid still. I want to watch their content, I want to form authentic friendships, but my brain tells me I have betrayed them, that they wouldn’t want to be my friend, that they would hate me, that I don’t deserve to be in their spaces, that I’m racist and so is he. I’m not yet ready to tell my therapist. But u am grateful to have told all of you.

I feel like my life is shifting for the better possibly because I’m finally taking myself seriously. However, I simultaneously feel like im so far behind compared to my peers. It’s like i have to fail multiple times in order for me to understand the importance of my future. Everything I do needs to be perfect and if it’s not I am never satisfied - whether it’s school work, appearance, or even everyday tasks. Then I keep reflecting on old memories and it’s very difficult. An old ocd tic is coming back where whenever I get a “cringey” or “unwanted” thought about myself I have to say a phrase out loud to get rid of it. Lately lot of my compulsions are old and new ones. For example, I compulsed and confessed to everyone in my extended family about my ocd because I thought it’d make them understand me more but it doesn’t. I overshared and over explained far too much to them as I usually do to anyone I talk to. I’m constantly over apologizing. Ill be driving, hit a bump, and think I ran someone over or a family or a pregnant woman and I’ll be pulled over. I keep getting detailed imagery of me getting crushed in my car. If I kill a bug I’m convinced I will pay for it in some way or another and karma will get to me even if I feel bad. I delete and redownload the same 3 social media apps every day. I’m pretty sure I have an addiction to pornography and I want it to stop. No other girl deals with this. Someone on here said on one of my posts reguarding relationship ocd before that I might have bpd and now this is really weighing on me. I can’t stop googling abt it. I feel stupid because I could have it so much worse like other people on this planet do and yet here I am. I have the privilege to log onto this app and complain about my troubles while someone else is worried about if they’re going to eat tonight. I feel incredibly selfish and small when I express myself because people usually think I’m too much it seems. I don’t like people in my generation (gen z) because social media has triggered my lcd and it feeds this idea to people that other people are easily accessible or disposable at any given point - you give someone a follow/unfollow button and now they feel entitled to you. I want to be left alone and not perceived by anyone because no one will ever fully understand me. All I want is to be a peaceful person, an amazing psychiatrist, an educated and healthy woman, who people will take seriously. I just feel like my goals are impossible because I keep messing up and struggling with staying consistent. I sometimes wish I could be someone else so I could take this pressure off me. I’m sorry for how scattered this is, I’m probably just overtired and burnt out from life