- Date posted
- 1y
Exhausted
A bit hopeless. I feel like my efforts to overcome ocd are mostly in vain.
A bit hopeless. I feel like my efforts to overcome ocd are mostly in vain.
Some days are good days, some days are not. If you're feeling some pessimism, try to take the night to be kind to yourself. Do something you enjoy. Continue doing your best with your erp (don't stop trying because ocd is waiting to find an opening). Everything your doing is making a difference, even if you aren't sure. Its a journey that makes progress one day, one step, at a time. Have a good evening.
@Student of my mind Much needed words. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. In the midst of me feeling so hopeful this past weekend while practicing erp, i had some major setbacks.
@Bumblebee30 I just recently dealt with the same thing. Hopeful progress followed by frustrating back sliding. I'm now getting my footing back again and these words are what others told me on this message board, as well as what I'm seeing myself. You sound a little better. I'm glad we have this space to help each other. :)
@Student of my mind I feel less alone now, on one hand I’m glad to know there are others going through the same trials as me, on the other hand i wish you and so many others didn’t have to.
@Bumblebee30 I feel the same about you and everyone else too. The good news however, we've found our way to help, and we can support each other as we take back our lives. I think the worst part may be behind us, now that we're not dealing with this alone. :) I hope you have a good day today!
@Student of my mind Ah you’re quite right. First step in the right direction - knowing we are not alone (Oh and we are not crazy) because for a while i was considering it😏
@Bumblebee30 I can't imagine going through this even 50 years ago. How fortunate that there's a better understanding and resources nowadays.
@Student of my mind Oh absolutely. I see OCD in all it’s glory on my Dad’s side of the family but they don’t know. Back then, this wasn’t even a term they heard of, let alone understood.
@Bumblebee30 It happens. UPS and downs. Lean into your heart and true values
It's all so exhausting! Sometimes you just need to try and forget it all and get some sleep. I know easier said than done. I hope you can relax a bit a get a good night's sleep
Great advice. And making sure to eat properly is important too. My ocd gets worse if I'm hungry and/or tired.
@Speckles Exhausting truly is the right words. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.
I know this feeling, but I promise it’s not in vain. Progress may not be linear, but every step you take is a step in the right direction! Bad days don’t mean you’re not moving forward. Take care of yourself and have faith that things will get easier with time :)
@Luckyfish Your kind words put a smile on my face. Thank you for that. Needed this reminder big time.
im sorry to hear that remember its never in vain you got this i hope you feel better soon
@thorpesarah563@gmail I appreciate this.
I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
some days I wake up with so much dread and guilt. It makes it so hard to keep going. I open my eyes and I’m hit with a wave of nausea and terror. I feel ashamed of my compulsions and my OCD. I feel like a monster for my checking compulsions. For momentarily sexualizing things that shouldn’t be sexualized out of anxiety. I’m ashamed of a lot that I give into because of anxiety. Confessing things that are meaningless to my boyfriend. I feel so awful and unworthy of existing and of love. I feel hopeless I don’t want to keep pushing, the more I push the more meta my OCD becomes and the more guilt I feel for this mental illness. The more confusing it becomes to do ERP. If compulsions are a choice, they feel like life or death and it’s driving me insane, I beat myself up so badly over them I’m scared of compulsions, I’m scared of thoughts, I’m scared to be awake, I’m even scared of sleeping because my intrusions and compulsions haunt me there too. I spend my dreams trying to explain or justify my OCD and compulsions to people. I’m exhausted, I want this to stop so badly. My severe OCD isn’t feeling any less severe and it’s been months. I don’t want to keep questioning my every move but I’m so hyperaware of everything I do. I’m so tired. Some days I don’t even have tears to cry with. I’m just so full of despair and shame
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