- Date posted
- 1y
tired (two.)
It feels like my OCD is determined to steal everything I love. It’s so exhausting to have to fight myself all the time.
It feels like my OCD is determined to steal everything I love. It’s so exhausting to have to fight myself all the time.
I get it :( especially it gits worst at those times where i am at my happiest and have something to lose. It ruined some of my best times in myself and it hurts to feel like everything is good but the problem is you.. but I also learned that it gets better, even when it’s taking so long sometimes.. and i have hope about the future even tho its scary but i feel like now at least i know what is the problem and how to deal with it, I’m sorry i hope it will get better
@camdenlol Thank you! 💕
I feel your pain ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
@Knockonwood3 Thank you! 💕
Are you in therapy with a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy? You can find one on this NOCD site. You're right about OCD. It's determined to ruin your day. OCD therapy can be a game-changer for you.
@Steven55! Sadly, no. NOCD’s resources have been helping me practice ERP on my own, but I’m UK-based so finding an accessible OCD therapist is a challenge.
@Naomi. NOCD will also accept international clients. I understand they even set up the sessions based on your time zone. I think you will need to pay out of pocket, but I think the rate of exchange favors the British pound, so you will pay less in pounds than in dollars. Anyway, it may be worth you investing the time to set up a free consultation. Hope this helps.
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.
I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression
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