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I've been struggling with ocd since I was 7. I'm 18 now and it feels like the older I've gotten the worse it's gotten. I don't know how to deal with it and i feel so lost and alone. Its hard for me to even say what my intrusive thoughts are or to even fully acknowledge it to myself in my head because im scared that if i put it out in the world itll be true or if i acknowledge the thought it solidifies it and makes it true. i feel like im just over exaggerating what im feeling and im turning something that isnt there into something bigger which makes it hard to talk about it with other people. Especially because im not diagnosed but I know it's ocd but what if it isnt? What if im lying to myself or I'm just doing it to get attention and I don't realize it? I just try to deal with it on my own but it's so hard and feels impossible. I feel like ocd has contaminated every part of my life that I enjoy. The things that used to bring me comfort are now filled with things that trigger my ocd and bring me anxiety.

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

First-time poster in the community here, but I had something really eating at me. I’m not sure if it’s an OCD symptom or not, but I feel like my brain has developed a coping mechanism over the years, and honestly, it bothers me daily that I can’t control it. I’ve been seen as a pretty smart person by my peers, and I can be smart, but I keep getting a reaction to thinking too much. I’ve noticed that on most days, I simply can’t think. I’m not talking like “I have so many solutions to this question”, but instead, it’s more like “I don’t know the answer, and if I try to find it I’ll be wrong” or simply I can’t recall the information. However, I’ll get these waves of what I call “kickstarts” where, all of a sudden, everything is so clear to me. I feel everything that I’m numb to, and at first, I’m glad to finally feel capable. But later that day, often several days that week, the fog is lifted and all of the terrible thoughts start to flow in. I’m in a loving relationship, and she’s given me no reason to second guess, but thoughts of her finding someone better than me always show, and thoughts that I’m not good enough, with thoughts that I can’t get to shut up long enough for me to do anything even remotely productive. I believe that paired with my depressive habits, OCD has really kicked my a** for my entire life, and the mental fog that has developed as a coping mechanism bothers me just as much, even causing obsessive thoughts that I am a poser, or a fraud, of a person. Thank you guys, if you read this long-winded rant, I just had to tell someone that it was bothering me before it exploded.