My head is so loud.

I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and they’re overwhelming—like being caught in a rip current, except it’s all inside my head. Most of the time, they’re about how small we are, how there really isn’t a “we” because our bodies aren’t truly ours—we’re just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, I’m pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. I’ve never felt like this before, and I’m convinced I’ve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than it’s ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe I’m just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever end—if it even can? I’ve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts aren’t actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I don’t have the typical “If I don’t do ____ then ____ will happen” kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, “Do ____,” and I always give in. It’s so loud in my head, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an imposter. Like I don’t belong here—like my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone else’s struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think I’m intruding, I’m sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound fester—each word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.

Username: DefcollinDefcollin

Date posted: 4w ago

I’m not even just sayin this but this is genuinely the most relatable and accurate thing to what I’ve been experiencing for a while now. I constantly get caught in constant thoughts about the universe and how everything works. And the hardest part is escaping the thought about everything. I’ll be sitting in class and get hit with it, I could be any where and get hit with these dreadful thoughts about life and the universe and how even though there’s some type of explanation for it I never feel satisfied with the theory’s. Just a constant back and forth about how all of this happened and how it’s unexplainable. I don’t think it really can ever be proven what really happened and if it did we simply couldn’t comprehend it. And what you said about feeling like an imposter is one of the hardest things about ocd. I constantly feel like my ocd is something that I made up and I’m invalidating everyone else who suffers with it. This post genuinely blew tf out of my brain. How real this shit is that your saying I’ve never felt so like understood, it’s like you just found out my biggest secrets and exposed them to myself if you know what I’m saying. I’m so down to keep taking about this if you are

Username: jjtornadojjtornado

Date posted: 4w ago

@Defcollin I am 100% down.

Username: DefcollinDefcollin

Date posted: 4w ago

@jjtornado Say less

Username: J1000J1000

Date posted: 4w ago

I always love a good universe talk! You know in the spectrum of the universe we are small. However, now matter how small it is the details always matter. We are just a small detail in the universe. Thus making you matter. You suffering matters too a lot of us who understand the pain of OCD. I’m sorry to hear you experiencing a significant episode but seeing how you write and your passion behind wanting to feel better I believe you will over come it! I look at OCD thoughts and my thoughts as two completely different things. It takes time to notice the difference but there is one. Over time I notice that OCD thoughts are rooted in fear. It’s there to get a negative rise out of me. I learned that best way to handle it is to sit in that discomfort and accept uncertainty (I know it’s hard). Now my thoughts are thoughts I create they aren’t the random fear based signals that my brain sends me. They are rooted in more than just what i fear there is also hope, inspiration, happiness, sadness, anger etc. they are thoughts I resonate with because I created them. You are right that you aren’t control of all your thoughts - especially OCD thoughts. But you are in control to react or not react to it. You have a lot more power than you think! Positive affirmations are a great place to start. Just pick a good thing that happened today no matter how small it is, why? Because the details matter

Username: benjita1benjita1

Date posted: 4w ago

I can fully relate to this. Back in July 2023 I started getting intrusive thoughts about the universe. Do you know what the trigger was? It was someone on Reddit saying Existential OCD was awful. I never heard of it until then. A little “Research” and a month later I was on medication for what was the worst and scariest time in my life. DPDR had set in and nothing felt real. The research and the theme kicking in was nearly instant. It was terrifying. I had to deal with all this, keep down a full time job, be a father and husband and support my wife as her gran was having end of life care. The medication dealt with the anxiety and the panic attacks and quietened down the noise from the thoughts. I did 12 weeks of group therapy which was really helpful. Fast forward to now - it’s Christmas so stresses have started again which has allowed an OCD flare up. I keep thinking back to how I was and it worries me that I will go through that again but I know I got through it and will again! My main themes have been centred around Harm and have usually come back around Christmas time which is why this flare up is no different. I found this app and a few select people on TikTok really helpful in knowing I’m not the only person going through this even if it does feel like it is sometimes. It will get easier and please post on the NOCD app. We are all here for the same reason and here to support each other. ❤️ (Sorry for waffling on a bit!)

Username: jjtornadojjtornado

Date posted: 4w ago

@benjita1 I really appreciate this reply, thank you. I had a pretty similar trigger for all of this, and it’s definitely been stressful. Hoping this is the scariest it gets for me and it only goes up from here. ❤️❤️

Username: benjita1benjita1

Date posted: 4w ago

@jjtornado It takes time but you will feel better. I’ve found doing things to keep myself grounded have helped like going for a walk, cycle and just doing something you enjoy and breathing techniques too. Have you spoken to a doctor or health care professional about your OCD and how you are feeling?

Username: jjtornadojjtornado

Date posted: 4w ago

@benjita1 I’ve talked to a few therapists over the years, none have really helped much. They always give me the obvious advice, “tell yourself they’re just thoughts,” and “sit with the discomfort,” etc etc. Sometimes I want to go see a psychiatrist, but I know I’d be medicated and pills are something I’m not a big fan of. It scares me that I’d have to take something everyday to be my “better self,” or whatever. Grounding myself is really all I can do when I’m feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts, but after I am calmed down I convince myself that I faked the entire thought spiral and forced myself to do it to keep my OCD diagnosis. Typing this all out I realize I really should talk to a therapist, it’s just hard when I can’t find someone who understands what goes on in my head.

Username: benjita1benjita1

Date posted: 4w ago

@jjtornado I do know how you feel. I didn’t want to go on medication but in the end my OCD became overwhelming and I felt I had too. I have just started to come off the tablets (I’m on 50mg Sertraline) which is going to take many months but it did help me at the time.

Username: monica<3

Date posted: 25w ago

ocd is controlling my life

hey everyone. i’m not sure if this app will help me or not, but i feel the need to try anything because i can’t keep living like this. i struggle with obsessing over everything in my life. it feels like everyday my brain picks a new thing in my life to obsess over. for the past couple days ive been obsessing over my interpersonal relationships. for example; “do i like the people im with” “do i like my friends as more than just friends” “do i actually love these people or am i lying to everyone”. it’s been really messing with me and making me question my support system. i can’t stop stressing. i’m even afraid to talk about it with my therapist because i have those thoughts about her too. i’m new to my OCD diagnosis (got diagnosed last month) i was hospitalized for a week because i couldn’t function. i also obsess over my sexuality and nothing i pick for me ever feels quite right. i recently started a relationship with someone who’s trans, so maybe that’s why? does anyone else go through this? my brain tries to convince me that i do this to myself and that im making it all up. but who would want to feel this way? uggghhh

Username: gallopintopr...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w ago

Transparency

Hi everyone, it’s hard for me to share this but I wanted to give it a shot. OCD onset got really bad when I turned 19 and it’s been a huge struggle ever since. Even being able to accept help from NOCD was hard at first, I wasn’t brought up in a family that ever took OCD or other mental disorders as valid reasons to struggle. I’m turning 21 next week. These past few years have so much emotional baggage from OCD and trauma exacerbated by OCD. Sometimes I feel like it’s really hard for me to even assess the severity of my triggers and obsessions because I’ve become so used to being under constant distress. I can’t help but to feel at times that getting this disorder under control seems close to impossible. I’ve basically dropped out of college after trying to keep my head above water (and failing) for my freshman and sophomore year. I’m unable to study or even keep a normal job right now. I believe that now more than ever the world is in need of community building and organizing and I feel so much guilt for not being able to participate in that either. I feel like everything I want to be doing with my life right now, especially socially, feels so out of reach because of this illness. It makes it even harder to feel joy about life in this position, which can’t be good for my depression. I hope that soon I’ll be able to track my progress on here. I know growth isn’t linear and everything comes with time…but damn. This shit is hard.

Username: anonysheis

Date posted: 24w ago

OCD exhaustion

OCD is so strange because I feel so mentally exhausted 24/7 but i’m so good at masking it that like it’s like i can think double. I’m not sure that makes sense. But i am so used to the OCD thoughts racing through my head that i can respond to my environment whilst completely existing in my head. I can have conversations when intrusive thoughts are taking over my inner dialect. I feel like i am even doubting whether i have OCD and whether it’s all just an excuse. I feel like my rumination hasn’t stopped for the past 3 years. Everything i used to enjoy or look forward to, is now dread and tainted by the thoughts telling me i never knew. I don’t even know what i like or who i am anymore. The thought of getting help and talking through it all scares me because what if i’m invalidated or if i speak about it too much then what if i don’t stop thinking. I’m so exhausted

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My head is so loud.

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