help please. Was watching porn and masturbating. Looked up a specific physical attribute that reminded me of my ex, curly hair and watched one. I masturbated to it then all of a sudden thoughts started to attack me like what if this was actually her. Then out of nowhere i thought what if this was her and her brother. Then now its just bothering me to confess to her. We talk sometimes and i really dont want to cause whats the point we r over and thats just fucked up But i feel more bad bc even having that thought and it made me :/ i still continued to masturbate bc i didnt feel satisfied enougj, i mean obviously not to the thought of her and her brother cause thats weird but i was masturbating while that thought was in my head and it feels wrong and makes me feel guilt or icky.

If you still have feelings for her or still find her attractive then this is normal. Especially if you just broke up. You're desire to confess to her is a compulsion but you need to fight that urge. Sit with the discomfort, accept that what happened happened but you are not a bad person for it :). Try using some of the app exercises if you're still really upset. Good luck :)

This is very common, OCD likes to attack the things we love most. And when there isn't a problem it freaks out and creates one because it needs to comfort itself. (By the way that's all OCD really is, it's a way to comfort anxiety, it's a coping mechanism.) Anyway...I have ROCD and I used to tell my bf how unsure I was of our relationship all the time. But what helped me stop confessing was accepting that he didn't need to know those things...honestly that's the biggest key to OCD is acceptance. I had a thought about fingering that woman. Oh well, that doesnt mean anything. I had an urge to slap my mom, oh well it was just a silly urge. The best way to get through this is to accept your anxieties and allow yourself to be uncomfortable so that you can accept them better. This app's really helped me with this. I don't have a therapist yet but this app was a great start for me :).

I agree that it now tries to associate to your incest ocd. The whole moans and face kicking thing in another form? It’s easy for me to say because they are not my themes so I can happily think them, think ‘ewww’, move on. No terror was/is paired with the thought. Take responsibility, or other harmful/sexual thoughts and it STILL tried to nag me despite all the knowledge in the world. Think I am trying to accept I will always have some OCD even when I am in remission. It’s such a terrible illness this at times isn’t it?

rbheaton: Thank you so much. What you said kind of put me into place. Also, I didn’t know it was a coping mechanism? Is that why when I feel heavy/anxious for no reason, even if I did my compulsion and it relieved me a little bit, my brain tries to find things to worry about some more? I guess. I’m trying to tame my brain because I know that they don’t need to know that. Those are my thoughts, i dont have to share them with them. Thank you, it’s not as violent and bothersome now like it was yesterday. I just think about it and its like gosh i really wanna tell them but it sounds weird n wack. plus i had this whole other thought about them about that maybe if they died i’d be less anxious and less sad but i didnt want that as well and it freaked me out. Anyway, we still kind of talk now but i really think i need to stop talking to them soon because when things are good between us, it kind of puts me in a small cycle because things are good so my brain is tempted to find things to sabotage that. Hence the sexual incest and death thought.

No, dont "use them" for recovery. If they were wanting to hang out with you, then it's nice because they could have helped you. My bf helps me because he knows he's my trigger and what's happening. But...if they're wanting space then definitely relax with them. But remember to keep practicing and studying OCD, things will get better :) Good luck with everything :)

But?? I know that masturbating to kind of her is normal but what about the fact i had a thought that couldve been her with her brother? Thats just fuckin weird??? On too of that ive had incest intrusive thoughts too so that makes me more bothered

Every person on average has 70 million thoughts a day. And honestly? It's mostly garbage. Its generated from the stuff around us and our imaginations. People who don't have anxiety would experience a thought, urge, or feeling and think, "well that was weird" and move on. But someone with anxiety and OCD will usually latch onto the thought and freak out. They'll wonder if they are a bad person, what the thought means, ect. But it actually doesn't mean anything. Like if I'm going to be honest? I was just talking to a woman a second ago and I kept having thoughts of me fingering her. But I didn't freak out because I knew it was just a random thought that came into my brain. The incest part has probably been generated through porn. Watching too much porn can create a lot of unwanted sexual thoughts. If it becomes too much of a trigger I would limit myself on it honestly. I have and I view the world less sexually. The point is, these thoughts have no true meaning, they are just randomly generated. I will say this, it sounds like you're about to enter into an OCD cycle. A cycle is a main symptom of OCD. It's where you cant stop doing something to reassure yourself that you're okay. A common one is obsessive thinking. Dont feed into it. Dont Google this, ask someone's opinion, analyze yourself, or anything that will feed into this compulsion. And to help you get better I would speak to a therapist soon. Also educate yourself in OCD. I've learned a lot about my condition and it has helped me in my recovery :)

Thank you. And yeah, feels like i am. I recently started to talk to my ex and things are okay again ( we were recently always fighting) thing is when things are okay with them it kind of triggers my ocd because they’re just so important to me and the obsessive thoughts latch on to them bc thats just how ocd is for me, attack things and people i love and close to my heart. Unfortunately since shes one of the MOST important person in my life, it attacks her more and the thoughts bothers me more than my family’s bc i know my family could never leave or abandon me but she could. Basically when i have something good, my ocd tries to get me to risk that good thing. Its horrible. Thank you though, this has helped. Im also a pretty sexual person, especially since my hormones are just crazy as of now. Viewing that porn set me off. It doesnt bother me as much now bc looking back it was kinda silly, my ex would also not do that??? esp with their own family member. But the what ifs are still there and the vivid imagination. I just wanna know how can i stop the urges to confess it to them? Esp now we’re at the middle of like closure for our break up and they kind of respond like they dont hate me as much, i dont wanna fuck it up again by confessing this worthless thought

soniclen: i cant believe thats how u remember me as hahahahahah. he still makes them, sometimes i look at him and i imagine myself kicking his face and slapping that bitch and it doesnt bother me and actually makes me feel better lol. But i know i wouldnt rlly do it. Yeah, thank you though. I’ll try to accept it. Such a horrible disorder honestly.

You're welcome :) and yes you're brain actively tries to look for something to freak out at all the time. That's probably why you started having the death thoughts. It's hard to catch sometimes but if you have a thought that bothers you, wont leave you alone, and that you cant seem to drop, it's an intrusive thought. After you can recognize what's happening, you can accept how meaningless it is. Also my ROCD makes me want to break up and run away from my bf all the time. But I love him so I'm going to stay with him. I have control over my actions and I can make myself not be bothered by my thoughts. If you want to keep hanging out with your ex, keep doing it even if she's a trigger. My bf triggers me too but I'm actually getting better (with therapy and) by being around him. Eventually something will be a trigger that you cant get rid of, might as well try to recover around a trigger you enjoy, right? Lol because you will live with this for the rest of your life, BUT with practice you can manage it and have control.

But thing is, they don’t wanna be around me as much anymore as i always get the urge and be restless when a thought comes. And when i confess it just hurts them too. plus, we both know we have to move on and keeping in touch all the time wont help but yes, sometimes i still wanna talk to them. I dont also want to make it seem im using them for my recovery

Thank you. I dont think they want to be around me anymore as much