Today was my youngest sibling’s birthday. It was nice. We were at my aunt’s pool and I got to hang out with my baby cousins. I saw my uncle’s girlfriend and her son. Hardly any intrusive thoughts lately and today was no different yet i still felt uneasy. Ignored the degrading thoughts as much as i could. Made happy memories with my youngest sibling and baby cousins. Gave my baby cousins piggyback rides in the pool. Watched the night sky with my youngest sibling. There was a huge thunder cloud and the lightning lit up the sky like fireworks. They told me information about clouds and stuff and I told them about space because I just love it so much. It was nice. I wish they were like this all the time and even though it hurts me, being mean is their love language I guess. Anyways, It was the best day I’ve had in a while. I’ll try to collect music into a playlist to show how I felt today. I really like music. Maybe I’ll share it when I’m done.

I’ve been ignoring the googling urges I get. They’re the strongest urges I feel. I’ve been distracting myself and going on about my life without considering them or ruminating. All for what? I had to go into a public bathroom to have a panic attack that had been building all day. I’m so sleep deprived, so tired. My sisters say I resemble sadness from Inside Out. I believe them. I feel so drained.

I’m feeling kind of sad cause today was not a really good day in terms of my ocd. I was feeling kind of foggy/numb and that send me to spiraling. I’m 21 years old currently studying but my family has been having trouble with money for the last couple years(we’re just me and my mom) and I kinda want to get a job but everything is far from my home and I wouldn’t be able to return back at night, also it’s either way more expensive to move or the schedule wouldn’t let me take my classes. The point is that because of that every time my mom is stress tends to treat me bad, she speaks to me like I’m stupid or she just screams to nothing cursing all life and everything and that actually makes me feel soo bad and guilty for not doing anything, I know it’s hard for me to get a job that actually helps us without quitting school but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden. I want to help, I want to maybe hug her or something but I know she will be angrier and probably will reject it. So that’s it, I just feel like she punishes me for the stress she’s carrying and I get it but one day is happy and it feels like all love and the next is treating me like that, Idk it’s hard (also I feel like I shouldn’t be saying this cause it’s all my fault) 🫤

i was in target and saw this kid who looked like my nephew and i didn’t a double take because i thought it was him i was gonna go say hi to him. it wasn’t him, but then my OCD intrusive thoughts popped in and made me want to throw up and run away and hide. it popped in my brain and i was immediately disgusted with myself. i wouldn’t ever do anything to harm a child. WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS I JUST NEED A BREAK.