Yesterday, I explained to my boyfriend how alone ocd makes me feel. I said I never trust myself because with any of my themes I completely doubt who I am and what I want. OCD then pops in after I’ve had a good day and questions my actions … “did you post that for attention or do you actually love your family and your boyfriend?” “You really enjoy your boyfriends grandparents.. but is that just for show?” I feel like sometimes I am separated from everyone by a thick wall of glass. I can see them and they can see me, but I still feel so separate. Even with people who love us in our circle, OCD is so painfully isolating. Sending love to all of you today 🤍

I don’t have much of a support system outside of my bf, so I find myself here a lot. I think I just need to vent, so forgive me if I do this too often. It helps to have a community of people who truly understand. I haven’t felt this debilitated by mental illness in months. There has to be some explanation, maybe it’s hormonal, because I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. The panic hits in waves, sudden and overwhelming, like my head is submerged in lava, burning and suffocating. Then, for a brief moment, I feel almost normal and wonder what all the fear was about. But it never lasts. The chaos always comes back. I even considered going to the ER because I’m not sure I can trust myself anymore. Something has to be wrong, because this isn’t me. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s not unbearable either. Since I withdrew from school, I’ve been so much less stressed that even my cycle, which has been irregular for years, has somehow regulated itself. But even with that, I feel like a failure. I was one semester away from finishing, so close, but OCD hit me harder than it ever has. It felt like drowning, gasping for air, reaching for something solid, only to be dragged under again and again. Now, I feel like that again, but worse. I feel hollow, like something is wrong with me at my core. I don’t just feel sad; I feel broken. I break down into uncontrollable sobs every few hours, and I don’t even know why. I just know that whatever is happening, OCD is taking full advantage of how vulnerable I feel. Is this what MDD feels like? Everyone tells me I have it, and it’s been confirmed by my psych, my pcp, and my therapist, but I still can’t seem to fully see it. I don’t know how to separate what’s OCD from what might be another disorder. I’m sorry to anyone also going through such a hard time, my heart goes out to you 🤍

I’ve shared on here before that I don’t have the best relationship with my parents but I still care for them a lot. I love them. This disorder has been so debilitating for the last 4 months. It keeps getting worse. It’s been attacking any physical contact with my parents. Any touches, hugs, playful jabs, caresses, anything. Anything that’s supposed to be pure and loving. My brain jumps to it being inappropriate, or weird or just comparing it to something sexual. Then I just feel so uncomfortable. I don’t know if I’m just hyperaware of how I feel, I tense up badly or if I’m checking how I feel. I don’t know. It breaks my heart. It genuinely hurts so bad. I feel like a child who just wants to cry in her parents’ arms but OCD is trying to take them away. This feels so painful, I’ve been dealing with so many themes but this specific situation hurts the most. I feel devastated and scared. If anyone else has been through this or has any advice, I’d really appreciate it. And if not, just knowing that someone heard me would mean a lot. I feel so deeply sad.

OCD can be an incredibly lonely experience, especially when people around you don’t understand the thoughts and fears you’re facing. But you’re not alone—others have been there too. What’s something about OCD that makes you feel isolated or alone?