- Date posted
- 1y
Either it’s the truth or OCD itself but I feel fully convinced that I am THAT. No matter what I say or do it’s always there, there’s no running from it. I of course feel no kind of sexual excitement from these thoughts, but there are times when there’s a brief moment when it feels like I do. I’ve said it so many times but I’ll say it again: I don’t wanna be this person nor do I want to do these things. Nor do I want to feel anything like THAT towards THAT. But there’s absolutely no anxiety happening in my body (other than when I get scared of what other people may think) when these thoughts happen. Not to mention they happen way too naturally as if it’s what i want to think (I have no idea if any of these thoughts are intrusive anymore) I don’t even think I have any compulsions either, everyone has told me ruminating and constantly questioning it is my compulsion, along with of course the reassurance seeking. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know anymore. Then there’s the twitching which might just be me doing it on purpose to prove something to myself like “hey look you’re twitching your head persistently that must mean you ARENT THAT”. I can’t even think about men either. What happened to me being gay? Like it feels like I have to FORCE myself to think about what I’ve always known to like. What does that indicate? it feels like I’ve lost my mind and there’s no hope of returning back to where my mind was before. Maybe I’m posting this for you all to tell me that I’m not who I think I am, maybe I’ve grown reliant on strangers reassuring me that I’m not a pedo lmfao. There’s a long ways away til my therapist to tell me the truth of what this all means. But I do apologize if I have been using OCD as a self diagnosis because I don’t wanna deal with whatever else it might be. And if I am diagnosed, I can’t help it, I’m a pessimist. Good night.