having a bad flair up day

TRIGGER WARNING Made on Sunday: So, my brother just came home today from a 4 month stay because he had gone manic and made some major threats. He had attacked someone too…. So, I was super anxious. He seems to be alright, but I’m still worried that he’ll hurt my parents or pets, and that I’ll snap if he does. Maybe I’m overthinking it?? I just don’t wanna go into a rage episode and hurt him, because he is my baby brother. *sigh* Since I was anxious earlier, I kept passing out repeatedly and started seizing afterwards. I’m just exhausted and sad and feel bad because I get scared and frustrated and tell my fiancé to break up with me. I know he won’t I’m just scared I’ll hurt everyone around me unintentionally. I’m tired of being in constant pain, I’m tired of the constant emotional rollercoasters, I’m tired of not being able to do or help with pretty much anything; I’m just tired. I don’t mean to bring anyone down, I just needed to vent. And I’m sorry I’m not on here all the time, I have a very strict schedule. And that’s another thing!! I feel so helpless because I can’t do anything. Mom gets frustrated because I refuse to do things or have to do them later and I wish she could just understand. I am doing my damndest to even stand up. I have so much vertigo (dizziness) from the pain I’m in and it really takes a toll. I want to help, to do extra like I used to. But I keep falling and the pain becomes unbearable. The pain meds aren’t working and so that’s gone out the window. I guess it just hurts because she gives me that look like I’m supposed to know what’s going on. I know she’s stressed with having to do everything, taking care of my brother, and her insane workload, so I’m giving her some slack, but it’s still hard. I wish she new how bad I work just to live my life.

TW My brother came home 4 days ago (I think) from a hospital stay of just over 3 months. In the hospital, he attacked one of the staff and almost k*lled her, in his dysphoric mania. Now he's out of mania, but I'm scared that he'll harm or try to k*ll our pets and/or my mom and dad. Since he's been home, my OCD has flared up badly, and I've started to have panic attacks (leading to seizures and fainting), destroying my lips, and having overstimulation over every little physical sensation. My joint pain is becoming unbearable and the medications aren't working, I may have an autoimmune disorder that could destroy my organs (Lupus), I'm frustrated because walking feels like hell, I keep falling, I keep getting dizzy and seeing stars and I'm just so tired. I can't sleep since my brother came home. Yes, I close my door at night, but I'm still terrified that he will hurt my cat. I've started to hate anything that I've touched with my hands cuz I don't wanna get stuff on my face and I hate the feeling. Yesterday I kept obsessing over whether or not I was cheating, if any of my memories are real, obsessing over if everything is perfect or perfectly in place, and over everything my brother does. I've become paranoid over everything and I'm so tired. Thank you for listening.

Something I haven’t shared on here is that when I get anxious and my OCD is really bad, I end up spending a lot of time in the bathroom. My family isn’t supportive when it comes to mental health, and I don’t have any privacy at home. So, when I realize my butt is numb for the I don’t even know how many times today, I know I’m not doing okay. :( All my panic attacks happen in the bathroom. Even when I’m out shopping or doing something, I run to the bathroom. It’s like I have an emotional support toilet instead of a support system. I’m crying, feeling so anxious, and I can’t stop doing compulsions that I thought I had gotten past more than a month ago. My streaks are broken, and I feel broken. I want to get out of this bathroom, be normal, and be productive, but I just can’t. I can’t stop crying, and I can’t even breathe properly. I didn’t even realize what time it is, the day is nearly over and I’m still in here :(