Giving up

I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. I have a 2 year old who needs me, a partner and family who love me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I just wish there was a magical fucking cure to heal me!! I can’t confess anymore because my partner put up his boundaries. And literally drowning in thoughts. I haven’t stopped obsessing about these things for days on end like the whole time I’m awake, till the moment I fall asleep. I never get a break. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m over living a life that doesn’t even feel like I’m living. I’ll probably just be stuck this way forever so what’s the point… I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help my feelings. I cry every day almost. Had a full on mental breakdown today. Feel so fucking bad. Feel so guilty for these thoughts. I literally have been in the backyard screaming like I’m dying over these thoughts for atleast an hour today. My daughter hears all of this from inside. I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner and a terrible everything. Everyone would be better off without me.

Username: jag92jag92

Date posted: 45w ago

You’re not a terrible mum! You’re family would definitely not be better without you!! I am the same I have a 2 year old and stuffed too! My relationship with baby’s Dad ended nearly a year ago after a 6 year relationship but it was very toxic with emotional abuse so for the best that it ended but still I really struggle with the soocd especially now I’m single but had bad ROCD too when we were together. Keep fighting! I know it’s hard I have times too when I feel like everyone would be better without me but trust me they wouldn’t be! My son is the reason I get through bad times keep fighting!!

Username: My OCD AcademiaMy OCD Academia

Date posted: 45w ago

You’re never a terrible mom! You just said you don’t wanna leave your family behind, despite having loads of intrusive thoughts you still push through each day. That’s very brave of you. Having OCD is not easy, it’s not your fault, and it’s not going to last forever. OCD takes time to kick it in its teeth and tell it to F off.

Username: rachelstacklerrachelstackler

Date posted: 45w ago

You will not give up because of the second sentence you wrote. You are loved even when you’re wanting to give up. Give yourself some grace

Username: MayluneMaylune

Date posted: 45w ago

Hey dear, IK it can be so hard and painfully overwhelming, you are to hard on yourself, you are amazing and no one is at their best when in pain. Know that there is a future that Will be better, and till then just take one step, 1 Breath at a time and try to consentrate on the small things that give you joy, i can feel your pain and i am so sorry that you feel this way. You have all of us here for you

Username: Ranger_867Ranger_867

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 45w ago

Are you actively on meds? Getting counseling? I’m on meds and been in therapy for 10 months and usually go through ups and downs. That’s normal. When it’s up, I have to ramp up my ERP and lean into the higher SUDs.

Username: userrrruserrrr

Date posted: 44w ago

i’m so sorry that you feel like this. things will get better

Username: SoMi1907

Date posted: 4y ago

I feel sad and guilty everyday. I can't get out of it and to be honest, I don't even know if I want to. Everytime I feel a tiny bit better, the waves of sadness come crashing me down and I feel lost and alone again. I can't fight anymore, I don't know how. I feel that even if I confessed to my bf, I wouldn't stop feeling this way because then just another thing pops up which I probably did wrong. I don't know how to live with this constant guilt, it is sucking the life out of me. And if I try to take it with me or not take it seriously, I think "what if you are just using ocd to cover up that you really did a bad thing" I can't go on, I have no hope left and I feel so desperate

Username: Ellsx

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Hopeless

I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so fed up of the way my OCD makes me feel, plagued with thoughts that I hate my son, I don’t love my partner, I want to die, my life is pointless. I’m trying so hard, I’m doin ERP, I’m trying to carry on my life as normal but I just feel SO depressed. I am convinced that I am stuck like this forever now, clearly nothing is working and I’m just ready to give up 😢

Username: bkelp213

Date posted: 1y ago

Worried this is just going to get worse…

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

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Giving up

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