Discussion - does every action define you?

How do you know if it is OCD or just anxiety caused by inner conflict that needs to be resolved? Thoughts - discussions?

Right now I’m obsessing about the meaning of the world evil, and if anyone really is truly “evil”. It started when I was thinking about Judas from the Bible and how I don’t think he is really evil, but a flawed person with flawed thinking that made him make a decision he thought would be for the best. There are tons of people who would call Judas outright evil but is that really the case? Then there’s the case of if anyone is really evil in the first place. Take the most heinous act you can think of, there must be some underlying problem that is making this person do what they do. The action itself is evil but is the person also “evil” as a result or just really flawed. My ocd is trying to make me think I’m defending these people or actions by saying all this, but I know that’s not the case. I’m not sure if my ocd is making me think about this in the first place though. I definitely overthink a lot and it ends up with me thinking about all these philosophical ideas, but maybe that’s just who I am and not a result of ocd. Sometimes my ocd really makes me feel the need to find an answer, which is really hard to do with topics like these, so I suspect it plays some role.

What are mistakes? I have a set of values. My speech or actions contradict those values. I feel deep remorse and disappointment in myself afterwards. Logically, it would make sense to truly feel the remorse, let it impact you, and say, “I wish I didn’t do that. I wish it didn’t happen. Not because it would relieve the guilt I feel now, but because it was genuinely wrong.” Where people go wrong is forgetting the “I”. After stating this, they’ll go back to feeling that remorse, and beat themselves up because they identify with the version of them that’s actively making the mistake. But the very fact those sentences exist from the mouth of that person shows that who they are in this moment isn’t who they were then. The “I” in the statement. Who is that referring to? Certainly not the person before the mistake. If it was, the mistake wouldn’t have happened. So, if you’re now someone else, that wouldn’t do those things, why are you putting yourself down as if you’re still that person? Are those “I”s in the statement nobody? But maybe you knew it was wrong when you were doing it! If you knew the extent to which it was actually harmful, you still wouldn’t have done it. You had the knowledge of it being wrong, but there wasn’t emotion involved. Remorse associates feeling with that knowledge. You begin to feel empathetic for whoever you harmed. This empathy, when felt healthily, and not ignored- is a tool. It’s so that next time you’re in that situation you can feel the effect you’ll have on the person and not do it. Empathy creates the opportunity for you to learn and become more emotionally intelligent, sensitive, and moral. I’ve used this tool all wrong. Feeling bad for what you’ve done is an opportunity. It allows you to grow and become more empathetic. It allows you to change who you are by saying “I…” Imagine if you didn’t feel remorse. How would you ever learn? That would be worse. Thank God for remorse Remorse should be used wisely. To allow for genuine moments of growth, to come back when placed in the same situation again. When the lesson is learnt, remorse has served its purpose. Any further berating serves no positive cause. It can only be used as an excuse. “I’m so bad, there’s no hope for me to be good”. I learnt this idea from Rabbi Akiva T. Maybe there’s a chemical imbalance which causes you to ruminate on your mistakes. Whatever it is, guilt is not meant to be a punishment. It’s a tool. When you regret what you’ve done, you literally become a different person. The you that understands what you understand now simply wouldn’t have made that mistake. Tests are your desire to do something v.s your knowledge that it’s wrong. Remorse allows you to empower the latter for future situations. Sometimes we cling to self deprecation. That's all we know. You can’t just rip it out. It’ll show itself from time to time. Just know that’s a force of habit. Your true essence is still good. The truths are still true. You’re. Not. A. Bad. Person. All I know is that the “me” right now does the right thing. Don’t let remorse hold you back from changing the world. Use it like the tool it is, then let it go. If it comes back, wave at it. Smile. “You helped me, you’ve served your purpose.” Don’t let the growth go unused. Don’t let it be for nothing. Use the new, sensitive you to bring good to those around you. Don’t let the remorse hold back the good that came from it. You’re free. You’re weightless. You can change the world for the better. So do it :)