Abt to give up atp

I have severe OCD and I experience all different types of intrusive thoughts and compulsions I fucking hate it! But one thing I struggle with the most is POCD! It makes me violently sick and disturbed but I know it’s not me and I know it’s not true but then why do I feel so disgusting? I have two children, one 5 and the other is 1, I don’t want to change my daughters nappys I don’t want to get her dressed (of course I do because I don’t have a choice) but it triggers me so bad and gets me in a state, I don’t know how to get over this I’ve had this certain thought for over six weeks and I can’t do it anymore, I’m so distressed they deserve better, why can’t I just be a normal person, I’ve actually thought about giving them up over these thoughts it’s breaking me and it’s breaking my heart, I actually can’t try beat this anymore.

I am so upset. I really always knew somewhere deep down i wasn’t a terrible human being but over the past 2 weeks something changed, i stopped having anxiety drastically and now have much more difficulty not believing thoughts. it feels like they are real. and i just don’t understand how i could be so repulsed by something the day before this happened and now feel nothing, i’m terrified. i’m 17. i feel like it’s all over. i’ve had periods where i lost clarity before but they came back but for the past weeks i’ve just been stuck and i can’t cope and i can’t explain it and i’m not sure what to do. i feel like these past 2 ish years of dealing with it are all a lies. but it just doesn’t make sense, i want to feel disgust not clarity? and now i feel no hope. i was supposed to get a diagnosis soon but it just feels like everything changed so quickly. how is this possible? im so upset and i can’t breathe or think and im terrified all at the same time as feeling nothing. it doesn’t feel like back door spike it just feels real. im a lost cause, i can’t do this anymore… i wanted to be good and now i feel like im what i feared. please help? i don’t know if this is ocd?

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .