- Username
- Cathrine
- Date posted
- 15w ago
Struggling with OCD and financial issues leads to constant borrowing of money.
Constantly need to borrow money
I have a very shameful consequence of my OCD, and my compulsory avoidance. It's been impossible to open my mail and to pay bills during my adult life. Coming from a recoursful background one of my deepest trauma is how my at that time undiagnosed disabilities prevented me from functioning in studies and jobs. So I recieved welfare and felt extremely shameful about it and desperate to get out of it. So I started my own business and despite my absurd struggle (more and more expert of hiding, no idea it was OCD, I always referred to it as my phobia in my mind, the more hidden the worse it became- unnoticed that it was worsening by me) I managed to succeed with my business (!?) My OCD can be described as living with an invisible 10headed Boa Constrictor around my body, squizing so much that I chronicly grasp for air and think.I will die when the giant snake 🐍 talks in my ears and brain constantly telling me from different heads how useless, ugly, terrible, horrible and repulsive I am and multiple all obstacles if I dare to think forward, take initiative and try to liberate my self from its grip. So I learned to live with my business and "outside-me" and the invisible nightmare I paralell was facing. My goal was to achieve a healthy self sustainable life. When this actually became realized and my success grow the constrictor tighten its grip more and more til I in the end was complicated paralyzed and withdraw all tasks from my accounter and everybody else due to the shame of the scenarios that still did not happen- but if I moved an inch they would happen. I could not send enquiries, open bills, emails, deliver, order, call or respond, the money to pay my responsibilities was there, but instead of dealing with my reality, I was dealing with a coming scenario produced in my mind and all my money went to pay for totally irrational prevention of an imagined scenario. Writing this makes me very unhappy. I lost everything. My first very hard earned 1.4 million the only positive thing I can see with that which in the end is about to give me a new and true life - so it's good- my OCD was discovered and diagnosed after 28 years with horrible intrusive thoughts. And I am back on welfare. It breaks my heart. My life is not sustainable on these money, my success was to short-lived to be reflected so I am now diagnosed and this gives me hope, but without money to pay my treatment. I feel so embarrassed, so embarrassed and to post this makes me very worried, but I just hang up the phone with a relative- I had to call and ask for a loan of money to cover my own everyday expenses, and it throws me back to the traumas I tried with all my strenght to escape in the first place. It feels like my entire life project has completely failed and that there is no way out of this financial nightmare. And to ask friends and family members for financial help makes me loose all my powers, and hope- I still can't belive this has happened- even though I realize that the OCD mislead me all these years, so it's also very difficult to see the pictures others have of me- as successful (?@#%*??) . The reality now is that I am on the absolute rock bottom, 30 years of my adulthood is lived, and I am suppose to start from scratch. Thank you if you read all this. I really don't want to complain and feel sorry for myself- but its so tough to believe that I can get out of this trap where my OCD keeps me in my phobias and the phobias/compulsions prevent me from money which blocks treatment which blocks income which then reinforce the obsessions. This app and all the material available online is my lifeline- even though I am feeling so extremely desperate I also can feel the resistance inside when I write honestly like this. Ok, no matter what, I am going to win, I am going to beat this monster and achieve a good life. A future with a manageable OCD will be a new life that can bring out who I truly am for the first time since my onset of what I now know is OCD at 21 years old. I love you all here who are sharing and helping others with sharing your stories. I hope one day I can share mine and be open and I know I must be greatful that I have someone to call to even though it's tough. Love to all OCD survivers❤️