Being strong is tiring

I'm so tired 😭 I've been dealing with severe trans ocd for a month. My ocd is making me worry I'm a trans man. The thing is. I'm already out as nonbinary. I also compulsively confessed to my mom and told her I'm anxious I'll realize I'm a trans man and that I'm scared she'll hate me/abandon me. And she told me she would support me through it and my life even if she didn't understand it and that she wouldn't abandon me. I do like some masculine terms and I like he pronouns, I prefer they/them though. And I don't mind she, but I dont let people use it because I know they'll use it to misgender me. and that doesnt mean im a man. But I also don't know what I actually like/feel or what's OCD making me think I like/feel.. I can't stop ruminating and feeling like I need to label my gender pass nonbinary and think about if I feel like a man or not. So even when my biggest fear was denied I'm still anxious.

TW I’m feeling really bad about myself today. I feel like a fraud and a liar. I’ve been unable to enjoy my time with my girlfriend because I’m bombarded with my thoughts. I’ve been asking for reassurance from so many people and nothing is helping. Nothing makes me feel better anymore and I’m worried that this is just how it’s going to be for forever. I miss when I could just be happy and not overthink so much. I miss being able to get through my days without this crippling anxiety. I’m worried there’s going to be a day where I realize I have no fight left in me

I’ve been going through this rough patch for the last four months, and I can already feel an even worse one coming. I just feel scared. And on top of that, I’m going to stop therapy. After everything with my current therapist, I just don’t have the strength to keep trying anymore. I feel hopeless. My head hurts so much, and it’s hard to keep going when everything feels this bad. I just want to cry, hope this feeling passes, and maybe try again if it ever lets up. But right now, it feels like nothing will ever get better. I don’t feel like I can ask for help. I hate that it took me so long to realize this wasn’t the therapist for me. I was too scared of being dramatic, so I let it go on for far too long, and now I feel like I’ve just become a burden-like. I hate that I let it get to that point, especially when I was paying for this. I just want to give up. I feel broken down, and I don’t even want to be okay anymore.