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I have some questions!

It's been months since I last posted to this website. I thought I was getting better and learning to establish better boundaries. For a minute, I could live with myself despite the things I did as a teenager. Because I thought at the end of the day, I was only a kid when I did those things. It wouldn't erase the harm in them and it shouldn't ever, but I thought because I had these signs of OCD instead of not caring or getting off from them, I needed therapy to get back to where I was before this all started and be the assertive and moral person I want to be. I took comfort knowing those things happened because I was a dumb kid and not someone intentionally hunting vulnerable people down, so there was still time to fix it and I'd be able to protect others instead of hurting them But I started seeing these exposed documents all over Twitter even after I muted the words and my intrusive thoughts and compulsions started feeding on my past actions again. I have been relying on AI for reassurance, clarity and advice and I'm not sure it's going anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm a threat to minors again and I'll always be a groomer for what I did. But it's weird because I recently discovered that I myself was groomed by my ex friend. We didn't have a large age gap but it was everything else that made it grooming My intrusive thoughts and compulsions have been trying to turn it back on me by bringing up what I did and how it affected others. I don't even know if I can talk about it anywhere but with a therapist because it's super disturbing. But it's been telling me that if what my ex friend did was grooming, then that makes me a predator too. I keep analyzing my thoughts and trying to seek certainty but I don't know if I'm only avoiding accountability for my actions by doing that. What I did was deeply messed up and nothing can ever justify it. I worry about the people I hurt a lot even if it could be creepy, and I wish I could have only said no and draw lines and boundaries instead of letting things happen. I was so reckless and a pushover as a teenager and I know I can't take that back no matter how much accountability I take and how much I "prove" I'm not that person anymore I can no longer look at certain fictional characters and media without spiraling. Some time ago, I temporarily went back to looking at a child character and simply shrugging it off and telling myself any groinals was the stress and intrusiveness talking. But now I struggle to look at any character under 18, even if they're an adult for most of that media without worrying about whether or not I'm a pedophile. I stopped looking at a specific character I found attractive because of this and that character instead became a trigger for spirals I have also been dealing with contamination compulsions, specifically with bathroom problems. My hands feel dirty whenever I use the bathroom, and I agree it's good to wash your hands after you use the bathroom, but it's been stressing me out. It's not as bad as the pedophilic intrusiveness and compulsions but it's been something I have been noticing and wanting to say somewhere The good news is that I have insurance now. I'm praying that after getting my card, that I'll be able to see a therapist so I can at least find a way to deal with this in a healthy way. Even rn I'm trying to resist the urge to text crisis again because these spirals make suicide and reassurance seeking tempting. I'm only slightly better than I was earlier this year and that really sucks. I was doing so good for a few weeks and it came crashing down again. I'm so tired

So I’m not as knowledgeable with medication for OCD or for any mental illness for that matter. I never took a prescription and my past therapist never prescribed me one. But I guess I do have some certain questions about medication for ocd though? (Also I’m sorry if these are obvious answers) 1. Does medication stop you for having compulsions, rumination, etc.? 2.What were some positive or negative symptoms you had with certain medications? 3. Were you still uncomfortable with doing ERP while you were on meds? Again, I’m really sorry if these answers are obvious 😭. God Bless! 💛

I’m 24M and have been dealing with what I was diagnosed with as hocd for almost 5 years. Before this started around 19, I was completely convinced I was straight. I had crushes on girls, got nervous and excited around attractive women, had sexual thoughts and wet dreams about women, wanted a wife and kids, and never questioned my sexuality. I also remember being attracted to small things like a woman’s expressions, perfume, mannerisms, etc. I had basically never considered that I could be attracted to men. Then around 19, I suddenly became terrified that I might be gay. I started checking myself constantly and eventually started watching gay porn specifically to see if I would react. Over time, I began experiencing strong physical and emotional reactions toward men, and eventually those reactions started feeling very natural rather than just anxiety. At the same time, my attraction toward women seemed to disappear almost completely. I can talk to women normally, but when I try to see if I’m attracted to them, I often feel nothing or even repulsion. I don’t understand how I went from being so naturally attracted to women to feeling this way. The hardest part is that I don’t just have groinal responses I feel genuine attraction toward men, including fantasies, emotional feelings and wanting physical closeness. Sometimes I even feel relief when I think “maybe I really am gay,” which then makes me question whether the OCD is even involved anymore. Then the doubt comes back and I start analyzing everything again. My therapist believes I have OCD and recently told me to stop checking women, stop using porn as a test, stop putting pressure on myself to feel attraction, and let the whole subject breathe for a long time. She also pointed out that I didn’t start watching gay porn because I naturally wanted to explore being gay I started it specifically because I was afraid I might be gay and wanted to check. She thinks I need to stop trying to solve the question. I’m struggling because I understand the OCD explanation intellectually, but emotionally I keep thinking, “How could OCD make me feel this different for almost 5 years?” I’m not looking for someone to simply tell me I’m straight. I genuinely want to hear from people who experienced a major change in how attraction felt, especially people who had strong attraction to women before hocd and later felt strong attraction toward men. Did anyone else experience this kind of dramatic before and after and eventually understand what was happening?

So I was out all day today, which of course triggered all aspects of my OCD. In many different ways, do my friends hate me, are my reactions alright, all the POCD and Harm stuff going like crazy. Actually being on the subway the way home I was exhausted. And earlier today I was just feeling depressed and to be honest quite a bit "crazy" or like mentally ill. The OCD bully is present and really not nice. But overall I had a good time with my friend, I just wish I didn't have so much shame and guilt. Later tonight I was watching one of my favorite shows PSYCH. I love it so much highly recommend. But I was doing a rewatch with a family member, and I hadn't watched a season one episode since the first time I watched it. And it was about DID, dissociative identity disorder. And it was just a horrible representation of both the mental illness and as well as trans people which was very 2000's of the show. I love this show but this episode isn't where it is at. But is was triggering in the sense I both felt a lot of sadness for all the people with a variety of mental illnesses throughout the years that were made to feel isolation and other things due to poor representation in the media. Something that is a big thing with OCD among other things is just how poorly it is represented in the media especially during that period of time. And I got incredibly scared because I just felt so "mentally ill". Like I'm so exhausted and tired from the meta ocd making me feel like I don't have enough ocd some days. And my other ocd just making me feel like I'm dissociated from my own body other days. Like sometimes I feel so much paranoia. Other times it's just pure fear, or constant triggers. POCD can be bad which feels horrible. Anyway's I think I either wanna write a short story or make a short film about this, as a coping mechanism. Something to focus on, and use it for something. Because to be honest OCD is not really giving me much other than a bullshit bully that seemingly fucking hates my guts and wants me to suffer. Anyways my OCD's name is Beelzebub. He fucking sucks.

🩵 To my OCD siblings I hope you can read this story, feel less alone. OCD is absolutely debilitating, and dispite living my best life its still practice ERP in my everyday life and take medication. I personally like to use humor as part of my non engagement responses. A heads up before you read 🩵 *Trigger warning this story contains conversations about medical procedures and Death* This summer I found out I had a rare deformity in my airway that would require surgery. Cue OCD spike and the endless spiral about being put under anesthesia dying young, leaving my family to grieve, my dog not knowing why I'm coming home, emotionally contaminating the OR room so everyone who goes in after dies. My partner killing himself etc (you get the picture, you have probley lived the picture) Because I have the tools to handle it, I handled it. Wasn't fun but being proud of doing your best and living your values while, also simultaneously being tired and grumpy because you just want to live but you have the intrusive thoughts + the energy used to practice ERP + actually doing things (thats being human , ride the wave) Flash forward to today (surgery day) and I am SUFFERING, panic attacks, tears barely holding it together. I am in the passenger seat on the way to the hospital just trying to hold everything in. Then suddenly in the driver's seat my partner (who has been with me pre diagnosis, during therapy and at this point forever and ever amen) gestures to the rain and says "what a wonderful day for your last day alive" and proceeds to say "very tragic, very tragic, you were so young" "I definitely won't let the dog see your body and he'll just wait for you to come home" at this point I relax because the intrusive thoughts can't scare you if you just lean in. So for the rest of the drive we plan my funeral and it gets increasingly outlandish. And this is how I make through all the pre op things. Fast forward to gowned up, things signed, IV in waiting to be taken to the OR. I start spiraling and my partner says "maybe I'll make knuckle bone dice from your bones or a knife cane with your femur, because clearly after you die my grief will turn me evil" (there was a comical evil laugh with this as well) I laugh. Cue more wild funeral plans including become fertilizer for the garden and gold plating my bones as decoration. We see people walk by with awkward judgy looks. A laugh some more. Because unless you have OCD or love someone with OCD you don't understand that the highest form of love is sitting with the uncertainty together 🩵 Take aways from this story ... 1) even when your living your best life, OCD spikes happen and your allowed to feel tired, grumpy, sad whatever you need 2) you (and your ocd) are worthy of love and there are people out there that will love all your bits and pieces 3) Do the scary thing (if it aligns with your values) cause the last month or so of ocd spike was worth it, the surgery and the anesthesia and the intrusive thoughts were worth it. I'm breathing so much better and I can't wait to hike with my dog again 🧡 (and lets be real if it wasn't an OCD spike from surgery it would of come up with something else like my airway collapsing, the joys) May you all have people in your life willing to join you in uncertainty whatever that looks like for you 🩵

Prozac was a no go for me, it made my depression worse and I’m not normally depressed but WOW it was scary. They took me off of that, I start lexapro 5mg tomorrow night. The first few weeks of anxiety of getting used to a med scare me, advice on handling those few weeks is appreciated!

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to be single? Legitimately it seems more fair to both parties. One shouldn't have to constantly worry if their partner loves them and one shouldn't second guess everything constantly. It seems like torture. Not really looking for any answer to this. More just frustrated and unsure of my relationship because of this dynamic

I tried to retype this post alot but realized I'm just compulsively ranting about heavy feelings and confessing all the worries and what ifs etc of themes thats bullying me. Long post short,I'm having a really hard time lately.I am slowly starting to get screened for therapy and they do think I may have cptsd and ocd. My brain is jumping between so many themes,it doesnt matter if its real event or false memory,or some shitty mix of the two,i cant even catch a fucking break to properly grieve my late grandmother all the while trying to unpack traumatic sexual things over the years.im tired of feeling like im secretly a terrible person,that ill become those who truly have hurt me and didnt care,i feel guilty for even the slightest age gaps when socializing and worry past socializing may of had been rude or inappropriate even though its common and its normal to laugh and joke. im upset my grandma is gone,im upset i let an online situatuonship consume me and fuck me up,im tired of wanting help but feeling undeserving of it it.im tired of past mistakes where i know i was either young and going through awful shit or my intent was well but i lack severe social ques sometimes due to several things somehow makes me a horrible person,im tired of feeling like burden to friends and family even when they tell me they love me and im a good person and im just traumatized,im tired of dealing with suicidal ideation (im safe and dont want to do it) im tired of the thoughts of hurting myself,im tired of feeling like life cant get better even though ik it could,im tired of constantly worrying im letting loved ones down etc.I'm just tired,angry and sad about my own life but also world events.The way some people kn social media can be so cruel and unkind to those with disabilities or mental health or victims of serious topic. I just want to feel secure and enjoy life but i worry im not even allowed that sometimes or theres a fear if i move on and heal its all for nothing or im somehow encoursging things.Like I never thought id live to be 18,yet alone now 25.Like how did I manage for this long,is this all that life is going to be,for how much longer will it feel this way.

Howdy, all. I’m new here, just started with NOCD about 4 weeks ago. We’ve been doing ERP for about the last 5 or so sessions. So far ERP has been going well, though taking some to get adjusted to. I spent so many years with a generalized therapist doing talk therapy, so it’s been a little off putting going through ERP where I talk a ton about obsessions and compulsions and the point is to just sit with it. In any case, my most recent session triggered me pretty bad. I’ve been with my wife for 14 years, married for 8 of those years. We have a really great relationship, I can’t imagine my life without her. For a big chunk of our relationship, I’ve had a recurring obsession that I was in love with or currently in love with a mutual friend of ours. This mutual friend and I no longer talk anymore (which, of course, my OCD uses as evidence as that I did or do love her because she’s the one that got away or whatever my OCD comes up with). We were really good friends, would text almost every day, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company, all of which my OCD also uses as evidence against me. Nothing even close to romantic happened between us(although that doesn’t stop me from ruminating over every interaction we ever had and trying to determine if I ever did anything untoward or would be considered as cheating!). I always treated her as friend and always saw her as a friend. In any case, this has led to years of me toiling over the obsession of “was I in love with her?” Or “am I in love with her now?” Rather than being in the moment and enjoying time with my incredible wife. The obsessive thoughts come and go in terms of severity. Sometimes I can go months, maybe even a whole year not thinking about it; other times it’s near constant. Lately it’s been pretty bad. Part of that i am guessing is ERP since it’s stirring up a lot. This most recent session had us looking at and reading Reddit posts about love triangles. I was obsessing prior to the session about the thought described above, and the exposure just made me fixate anymore. My session was yesterday, and I haven’t really been able to stop obsessing over it since. Although, to give myself credit, I haven’t engaged in compulsions, as far as I know. So that’s something! It’s just the absurd amount of dread and horrible feeling that comes with OCD that makes everything so hard. Anyway, this post got way too long. If you read this far, thank you. Not expecting any replies, just feeling on the verge of doing a compulsion so I thought I’d vent. Maybe this is a compulsion. Who knows!

I keep having this obsession that is causing me extreme anxiety, but I also cannot talk about it cause I’m convinced if I talk about it, it will happen. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t keep going like this.

Do u guys think deleting social media would help with this issue? I find triggering videos that brings up past events and then I start spiraling out…. Bringing shame n guilt

Currently going through one of the hardest times of my life. I’ve had ocd most of my life but had my first trigger around 2 years ago. I’ve been doing good since then was even able to get myself off my Prozac. Well I lost my job that I worked at for 6 years and this is new to me. And it’s started to make me experience hyper vigilance derealization and disassociation I’m back on my medicine have been for a week a 1 day. What can I do to make it easier. Anything helps please. I have a therapist as well.

I have a compulsion of checking my Apple Watch ECG repeatedly. Often times it’s squiggly or inconclusive, it’s even said afib but my cardiologist said it was sinus Arrythmia and gave me another heart monitor. I’ve checked it about 2,000 times. Every time it’s not 100% normal I instinctively call 911. Emergency services and the hospital are absolutely sick of me. How do I prevent myself from instinctively calling, especially during a panic attack where it feels like I’m having an emergency? Has anyone else had this issue? Edit: wanted to note my mom has taken my Apple Watch for now and only lets me check occasionally, but I’m not sure if this is the right first step

Im extremely overwhelmed by my symptoms and getting really scared that im stuck like this permanently.

So my mind is still on this same problem; it's been a week now. I have a huge fear of going crazy, whether it be psychosis or schizophrenia. This started when I had little to no sleep. It was 4 a.m., and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to masturbate so I could sleep. That didn't help. I already had weird thoughts that made no sense, lots of anxiety, and this head pressure. When I turned to my right side on the pillow, I said in my head, “I knew I was gonna feel better,” and then I got a thought that said, “You're welcome,” in a Russian accent while I was sleeping. It was so random, but unfortunately, at the time, my brain was looking for something to worry about. At first, I found the thought strange. Then another thought came: What if the thought came from something else? Obviously, that's ridiculous, and I tried joking about it and tried to sleep, but then a huge wave of anxiety hit. I got up, went to the bathroom, and said to myself, “Do I believe this?” I said no. I knew I hadn't gotten any sleep; I was very anxious, and I had racing thoughts. I've had hypnagogic hallucinations before, and at the time this happened, I forgot about them. But, to tell you the truth, I don't know where this “You're welcome” thought came from other than my mind. Of course, anything outside of that is just delusional. Now, my biggest fear is that I believe some lady was communicating with me; see how crazy that sounds. Logically speaking, I know this is 1. It was just a random thought, and my OCD misinterpreted it as a crazy "what if," but has anyone ever had this before, or something similar? I just want to know I'm not alone, pls.

I just started on my ROCD journey. My main issues is comparing my partner to other men, finding faults, and blaming myself constantly for being a bad partner because of these thoughts. He has been supportive through it all. Some brief explanation- he is very much so a “I don’t ask for help” kind of person. He has his own demons and I finally convinced him to talk to someone, even just a friend about them. One of his demons is he does not want to be a financial burden. He is not good with finances and I am. He has been managing his debt whilst trying to pay for a ring to propose to me. Yesterday he asked me for help, and I spiraled a bit. I’m terrified of financial insecurity and I also have previous trauma from letting family borrow 40k for a car. My immediate response was just “I’m scared”. His pride slammed the door on him and he backtracked immediately, apologizing and saying he would handle things. He threw up twice at work from anxiety and his own spiraling and was sent home. He thought I was going to break up with him. And to be honest, I did to for a little bit there. We met last night where I had him print all his statements from the last 3 months out and let me have full control over looking through it all. God I love this man, but he has a small spending addiction. There would be times he spent almost 600$ in just 15 days on eating out, energy drinks and… ai stories… I don’t even know about that one to be honest. I laid it out to him fully. He’s around 9k in “bad debt”. If he only pays minimums it takes 23 years. At the start of this conversation he really seemed to get it fully. But as we went on for hours through his statements, he just started laughing at his own purchases. I felt a bit put off but also I think he will fix his behaviors. We set a game plan in motion and I’ll be holding him accountable by sitting down and going through statements every month. Ring is on hold, because I cannot say yes anyways to someone who has not changed their behaviors. That’s a long explanations I suppose. Currently I feel good, I feel like there’s a plan and I feel like I’m keeping ROCD separate from this financial issue. But I also know that once something else inevitably pops up and I start to spiral, I’ll use the financial issues as another jab. I’m just not sure how to be a supportive partner when I also need support in some ways.

My boyfriend was in a long term relationship before we met, and my boyfriend was my first serious relationship I’ve been in. He was also my first sexual partner. We’ve been dating for almost three years now, and I honestly don’t feel much retroactive jealousy when it comes to his ex (romantically), but I do get very uncomfortable feelings when I have intrusive thoughts about their sex life. I know this is because there is sexual experience asymmetry in our relationship. The thing is, I think the uncomfortable feelings his sexual past brings up are less about jealousy, and more so painful feelings of regret that I have about not having more sexual experiences before meeting my boyfriend. I get so upset that I have to deal with these uncomfortable feelings, yet my boyfriend never has to (both me and his last partner were in their first relationship). With my OCD, I struggle a lot with beating myself up and obsession over regret within my own life. Does anyone have advice about getting over regret?

I am so sick of hearing “they never go away you just learn to manage them better” but how can I be expected to ever be happy again when this is what’s in my head? Yes I get that they become less important but still I cannot just accept that I’ll think of this forever and i absolutely hate that fact that it’s most likely the reality. But I don’t quite understand how life before OCD I was “normal” and didn’t have bizarre thoughts all day only sometimes and why I cannot be that way again? Like if I’m re-wiring my brain then can’t it return back to normal? I just can’t accept a life like this I DO NOT want to think like this all day for the rest of my life and only get maybe a month break from having thoughts but it comes back. I may as well leave what is the point in fighting for a life that will never bring me happiness only frustration I don’t want it even if I get “better” cause that better is not better to me.

I’ve been going through a breakup these past 10months & I still miss and want my ex back (sue me). Just to preface this, it isn’t an ex where it was ever bad or toxic, it was actually a very good relationship. He broke up with me due to his own capacity. Anywho back to the point, I’ve heard he soft-launched a new girl on his Instagram story, and that’s hard. I’m catholic and our relationship grew me closer and also this breakup grew me closer. I feel like I’ve had spiritual experiences in the relationship telling me that this was my person and then post-break-up during prayer I feel like i experienced those experiences again. So you can imagine hearing him soft launch a possible new relationship or dating makes me confused and kinda ocd about what I feel like I experienced from god and what he’s told me. I know their are possibilities where we can still come back together after being with other people bc I’ve seen it happened before, but at the same time my worst fears keep happening so why would anything good happen. The breakup, and now this so in my mind it immediately goes to “yea you probably won’t get back together ever and you interpreted what god was telling you wrong” and that’s I guess how my ocd ties in. On the bright side I was able to handle hearing the news of a potential new girl in his life better than I thought I was. I just don’t understand how I’m supposed to get over the man I thought I was going to marry and the only one I wanted a future with and confused how he’s over it, I feel like my therapist would tell me that we don’t know that he’s over it and I guess that’s true even if it seems that he’s dating idk how he feels about me on the inside but idk in my mind it’s obvious he doesn’t want our relationship, which is weird to me because it was something he really wanted and loved. Also in a weird way after seeing all that and feeling the feels I still have hope for us, I honestly think I’m just being delusional at this point.