Welcome to
the NOCD Community

“Let the future go quiet. Let the past stay still. Come home to now, the place you have power. The place you can truly live.”

I really need help. My ocd spiral has begun again over existential ocd…. That every second that passes becomes the past. Like my daughter will do something cute and my brain will go”thats in the past” it makes no sense but gives me panic attacks. I just want to enjoy my life. Anyone have this and have overcome it? Any help would be amazing!!

I’ve had OCd my whole life since I was young. It’s just never bothered me. In January this year I had a severe onset which within a month led to some thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, etc. My OCD comes from my career choice and path to be a musician and be a professional guitarist. I play in professional bands that do wedding gigs etc. I practice incessantly and that’s where the OCD comes in. I felt worthless in February because I felt like I can never get better, I’ll never be good enough, or I’ll never achieve what I want. I ended up getting a therapist and a few sessions later I felt a lot better. I was on the up and up and no longer trying to play till 3 am in the morning to perfect something. So much to the point we dialed back sessions and I thought we were close to being out of the woods Fast forward to now and I feel back at square one. A large part of this I think is my uncle passed away and I really mourned his passing a lot. That seemed to be the catalyst for this. But now I’m at a point where once again I feel worthless. I feel like my life is meaningless because everytime I pick up the guitar I can never progress to where I want. If I don’t get what I’m working on in one practice session say a song or a solo it was a waste of time and I’m no good. Yet if I don’t play for hours on end I consider the day a waste because I could’ve been practicing guitar, getting better at my craft. And this intense OCD that makes a vicious cycle with guitar has caused me to hate it and hate that I do it. I no longer have the joy of playing like how I did when I picked it up and now I dread working and doing gigs because of it. It’s been such a long 6 month battle with OcD I just want to be better. I try to tell myself I should live a balanced and have relationships with my gf, friends, family, and that I can have those things, practice a few times a week for like 2-3 hours and achieve what I want. But everytime I say that my OCD trips out and I fall back in. My ocd says I should practice for 8 hours a day, commit myself to guitar so that I can achieve what I want. And what makes it harder is that ocd is backed up by rational thoughts like the fact that practicing does make you better, the best guitarist do practice a lot, etc. I’m just feeling hopeless. I need figure out if I want to live a balanced life or dive into guitar. Neither of them feel like the right decision, and at the same time they both do. My erp training, cbt and everything I talk about with my therapist goes flying out the window when the thoughts get heavy. I just want to be able to achieve my wants and goals on guitar and hopefully not loose my friends family and Girlfreind in the process. Yet I don’t even know what my goals are on guitar at this point because of the cycle I’ve put myself through. Idk if anyone has ever had the experience with ocd and music/career path but if anyone has insight or advice I would appreciate. Thank you 🙏

Hi all, First time posting and it comes in the midst of a big spiral and panic. Currently dealing with what we think is borderline existential OCD where I feel like I’ve come to believe that I’m not real, that this is all a dream, that I’m actually a psychotic person walking down the street imagining all of this. Got very triggered yesterday by seeing someone screaming and yelling at what seemed to be nothing. Had a panic attack this morning and just haven’t been a wreck since worrying that I’m going to end up in psych ward, realize I’m actually crazy, etc. Been in NOCD therapy for almost 4 months now and still struggling to sit with the uncertainty, avoid researching, seeking reassurance, and most of all ruminating. Anyone go through something similar and if so what were key tactics you used during these spirals to calm things down and recenter yourself?

how has the end times and discussions affected your anxiety? for me its been very constant and scary, any advice would be greatly appreciated. (no negative replies please)

okay so I’m 18, I’ve always been kinda a homebody , especially recently starting lexapro made my anxiety worse at first ect. I feel so scared to be in the “ real world” because I feel like I’m not independent at all:/ I’ve never had a job I had 1 at 16 for 2 weeks and it wasn’t to bad. I can drive , but it’s kinda hard for me , I get scared of thinking of the future and independence “what if I’m not capable” “What if my mental health doesn’t allow me too” ect ..:/

Really long vent sorry 😣 I don’t think I’ve experienced any specific or intense traumatic events but I do feel like I might have trauma. I particularly struggle with religion and idk how much of it is ocd and how much might be trauma or if they overlap? Maybe I’m just overeacting? I’ve been raised Christian (and I’m still really young ) I have an amazing supportive family and amazing friends and I feel like my life is perfect and I’m just complaining and everyone has it worse and that I’m invalidating their experiences!? But also my life is not perfect and my family IS a mess. I think I have body dysmorphia but maybe I’m just ugly and I sometimes wonder if I have Bpd but I’m too young to get diagnosed. How I see myself and how I feel changes so regularly and it’s really distressing! I constantly feel guilty for sinning and feel like I don’t deserve anything good. I constantly label everything I do as good or bad and whether I deserve love because of those things. (Particularly sexual thoughts and desires make me feel impure and disgusting) (I keep thinking sex=bad but idk if that’s true and idk who to talk to cos it’s embarrassing and my family is Christian) I feel a huge sense of relief when I think about not being Christian but then I feel guilty for feeling relieved. Idk how much of that could be ocd and how much could be some complex trauma? But I’m pretty sure I don’t believe Christianity but that I SHOULD believe but then that I’d be doing that for selfish reasons! I don’t want anyone to know how disgusting and sinful I am but I feel like I’m being manipulative if I don’t tell everyone everything and give them enough information to make their own decisions. I just want to stop existing because the constant spiralling and back and forth of my thoughts is just too much. The thing is that I would understand and care about anyone else going through similar things but I cannot bring myself to feel compassionate for myself because I must be perfect. I also recently watched Ginny and Georgia and triggered my body and eating issues and sh thoughts😭 I feel so weak all the time and I keep seeking some kind of validation or reason for my pain. I feel like I’ve left out too much and I’m just seeking reassurance here but that any reassurance I get will be fake or I’ll make heaps of people mad or something 😭😭😭 I feel so stuck right now I feel like people should hate me but I don’t want them to.

I have intrusive thoughts all the time. I married the wrong woman, she’s not right for me, I don’t feel right with her, I’m going to fail at work, I’m going to lose my job, what if I can’t sleep at night, I can’t sleep at night, what if my surgery doesn’t work, what will people think of me, I’m a failure, I let people down, I’m a horrible father, my son hates me, do I or don’t I drink coffee, what if I eat the wrong foods, there’s something wrong with me physically all the time, etc, etc, etc. It’s extremely annoying and exhausting. I just can’t wait to go to bed at night and try to fall asleep to shut off my brain.

Do you call someone? Look for your compass? Or runaway?

Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭

for women…. a couple of days ago i was having woman private pain when touching it and then now i’m having some stomach pain like i need to use the bathroom… but everytime i move in a position like bending down i get the pain like a sore pain or something “down there” i’m so scared i’ve been googling and i’m so scared if i have cancer or something that could lead to death… idk what to do i’m actually so scared if i have something that i don’t know about i thought i had a UTI a couple of months ago and i didn’t i was fine since i got tested for it…

But it actually feels worse, and no not because now Im letting myself feel the feelings, I feel more stressful and hopelessness sparked out too, and a weird scary feeling, i think its anxiety, that i feel back in the pandemic and I woke up at the middle of the night feeling that feeling many times.For years i felt good now that im trying to let myself feel the emotions, fear and hopelessness kicks in. I understand that you should accept and allow every feeling, but if you have alot of fear it will just throw you wherever it wants and you will feel hopeless. I know when you are there, feeling depressed and hopeless it means you did something bad(well not always but you know what i mean). I tried it but this scary feeling of hopeless anxiety made me stop it.

I worry I will have mental health issues the rest of my life. Not sure I could live a life like that, Not really sure why I'm posting this, I guess does anyone else have the same thought?

Hi! It’s pretty difficult for me to get the courage to post this but I’m really struggling to figure out if what I’m experiencing is OCD or Anxiety or neither. I think I have the “pure O” type of OCD where most of my compulsions take the form of ruminating and trying to figure out something all in my head. When I hear this talked about in forums or online the intrusive thoughts don’t really match mine- I worry often about things that seem more “grounded” if that makes sense. A common one for me is my own identity- i will spend long amounts of time stuck in my head trying to figure out my feelings (often sadness or other real emotions I have and patterns I have) and why I feel that way and what in my life caused that and how it’s impacting other things in my life. I also think often about which parts of my personality are the real me and which aren’t. Sometimes this takes the form of strictly ruminating and sometimes I have fake conversations with people I know. It’s intense and I feel I have to figure it out but with no specific intrusive thought that says something like “you have to figure this out or all of your loved ones will die” but it’s very intense. I think also often of all of the decisions I need to make in the future and how they’re going to affect those I love and care about as well as how much I’ll regret them. I imagine all of the ways I think my actions will emotionally hurt others and how to make the least harmful decision, but to me this feels like a valid concern but go over and over and never come to a conclusion. I often just get scared and never make any move because I don’t see an option that doesn’t hurt someone somehow. But again I’m having a hard time identifying the intrusive thought behind it. But I also don’t choose to think about these things most of the time. This is almost all decisions but especially big life decisions. It’s such a struggle because they are things I eventually do have to make decisions about. There is so much more to it that would take too long to explain but in general a lot of my fears revolve around pleasing others/ understanding others emotions to ensure they’re okay, my own identity and personality, and work/school performance. Someone mentioned OCD to me because in my head it feels like I have to solve these things and will go over and over them but I seriously can’t figure out if it’s anxiety, OCD, or none of the above. It’s all very disruptive to my life. I am never not thinking or not trying to figure something out and I feel as if I have no control over it Anyone have any insight?

17f So I don't have an official diagnosis, but I know I have it, I struggle with it since I was 4, I went through like almost every theme like contamination, symmetry, checking, existential, health anxiety, false memory, moral ocd, sexual ocds, and also a therapist told me I have it (another one said I have generalized anxiety disorder but idk like I was talking about textbook ocd to her) I don't have a therapist now therapy is not working out well for me but I was hoping to maybe get medication For me the absolute hell is POCD and real event ocd. I genuinely don't know how do I start. I also think I will replace POCD with harm ocd cause well I'm to scared to talk about POCD. But what do I even say like do I come in and talk about more obvious ocd stuff I experience and then randomly jump to POCD, seems like a crazy jump idk... Also I thought it will be in the evening and I will have time to prepare but it's in and hour and a half I'm terrified Anyone? Help? How do I start what do I say I'm so scared

This is my first post. I know I need to work on sharing and asking for help, so I am sharing my first journaled day of after group exposures. Perhaps someone can give me a new perspective. Today I had 4 hours of intensive outpatient therapy that I am currently undergoing and it's 3 days a week. Also, 2-4 hours of after every group assignments called exposures to complete for ERP. Today I am supposed to drive to a homeless shelter and sit with my distress, letting it reside naturally. My first attempt at going to the homeless shelter, I was feeling very sudsy on the way there and had to stop once to go to the pet store to run an actual errand on my way to do the exposure. The thought had entered my mind that if I bought a fish I would just head home and not do the exposure so I could get the fish in the tank. So I acknowledged it as the anxiety and proceeded to head to the homeless shelter. I then realized I did not bring a drink and feel overwhelmingly compelled to go home. My physical symptoms were very strong at this time and I was only 1/4 of the way there. I did feel very nauseous but decided to get a drink on the way and continue. I feel as though my mind is fighting the exposures more than usual and the feeling of dread is stronger. I arrived at where I would turn in to park and immediately panicked when I saw the people standing around. I couldn't go back around and quickly left the area. Peak suds 90 specifically when I had seen the homeless people on the property. Low suds 50 in an hour and 10 mins. It was another hour or so before they came down to a tolerable 25/30. On my second attempt at 7pm, I arrived. On the way here, I acknowledged the presence of intrusive thoughts out load. A thought had entered my mind that I was having physical symptoms from the suds. My heart rate was up and it was hard for me to swallow because my throat felt like it was closing. My suds went up and down from 30 to 70 as an assortment of intrusive thoughts occurred. The last 5 .minutes of the drive was hard. As I was approaching a stop light, after seeing a large number on homeless outside in one particular area, (50-75 people) an image entered my mind of seeing myself homeless on that corner. My suds went up to 85/90 seeing myself in my mind sitting on the concrete under the bypassing with my knees in my chest and my face buried in shame. I turned up my music and moved onto my next thoughts while driving with suds still at a 70. I arrived at the homeless shelter 3 minuets later as was able to park. I had also been crying on the way there of dreading the exposure. I had also had a very high suds when I made a mistake by not turning on red and the person behind me, went around me. As he passed, he loudy announced that he was flustered by my mistake and called me out before going around me. I felt so embarrassed and completed the turn after he was up far enough that I wasn't near him. Unfortunately I ended up at the next red light next to him. I consciously pulled up further so he wasn't able to see my face. He slowly crept up next to me and stopped to hollar into my open window "I know you're tired and all" and I was frozen solid. I was paralyzed and was just staring at the light begging in my head for it to turn green so I could move for what felt like an hour. I was notice and confronted which is my worst fear when making a mistake. It confirmed in that moment that I was being judged. While at the homeless shelter, I noticed myself looking around the area and not concentrating on the building. It made me more sudsy when I looked at the building number on the front so I moved my car closer and parked directly in front of the plaque that read Home of Bethlehem Haven. I looked directly at the number on the building and reading the plaque and sat with my suds until my suds reduced by half. Peak suds 80 low suds 40 in 9 mins Suds peaked at 80 when the vision occurred in my mind that the next step may be walking into the homeless shelter and asking for information. I immediately refocused on the front of the building to reduce my suds oddly and I didn't know what they meant but it struck me as weird. I began looking away and back at the number until my suds were at a 30. I encouraged myself to stay for a while 20 mins with my suds fluctuating. I said out loud several times "I might live here someday" at first quietly and then decided if I am going to say it, say it in my regular voice and not whisper it. 10-20 suds going up and down with the vocals. Upon leaving the area, my suds had gone down to 20 on the way home. My suds varied and swelled, as I began ruminating about the experience. I put my music on and drove home. I want to break the habit of chewing on the inside of my cheek. When I get nervous, it's really sudzy, because my jaw tends to hurt after having a very Suzy day. I also started engaging in some deep thought about why I do certain things. And I realized that I have watched every episode of intervention to watch how bad these people get, and I'm doing so to try to scare myself straight. So I don't end up in that situation. Cause I feel as though. If it does get bad in my life that I will give up completely. I'm afraid of giving up not being homeless. And I did begin journaling my exposures, because I feel that a lot goes on during my exposures that I'm not sharing, because I have forgotten, and I am not great at remembering details unless I write them down at the time. That's why I write things down so much. But it occurred to me, and it always felt like there was something more to my core fear and though I am absolutely terrified of being homeless again and being helpless. I felt that there were parallel themes in my other triggers not relating to being homeless, such as accidentally hurting my puppy. So, there was just always something that made me uncertain. I had an Aha moment when it occurred to me, that perhaps my actual core fear is giving up for good. I also want to note that I theorize the reason a homeless shelter is scary is because it would mean that I gave up for good. It is that would be a much more serious and long term outcome. More final. When I had been homeless in the past and sleeping not under a real roof (shed/car/truck) it had been relatively short term (a few days to weeks). Where as a homeless shelter signifies the shame and embarrassment of giving up. It brings up the disappointment in how my life has been changed for the worse. For the way I have been damaged by the people who were supposed to be the one that would protect me with their lives. Not ruin mine. Earlier today I sat with the distress of not engaging in any kind of relationship with my father or step mother because it is in my best interest. Peak suds 90 and stayed at 60 for an hour throughout dinner.

I get married in 5 days. And what’s suppose to be the happiest week of my life, is the most numb, dreadful and ocd-filled. I’ve suffered from what I’d call existential ocd for 2.5 years. It’s been so long with it that I THINK my theme has changed to.. “what if I never feel the same again?” “What if I never recover?” “What if I’m always left feeling numb and disconnected?” The existential ocd started with “life is meaningless thoughts”. They are still there. They’re relentless too. My brain just one day grasped that we die and immediately it led me to belief that because of death and because no one has answers.. life is meaningless. I developed very bad depression. And I think my ocd has latched on to this numb feeling. Let me say, I feel no positive or negative emotions. I can’t cry, I can’t feel, I don’t see a point, I don’t feel connected to anything or anyone. I get married in 5 days and I feel nothing. And let be clear, I love my fiance so so much. He is amazing. Everything I want and more. Everyday I wake up, my ocd is nonstop all day. I really don’t see a point in anything. I would say I have little to no insight OCD. I truly believe this is my life. Any advice appreciated.

So I've been working to address my OCD for about a month now. So far, I haven't been working on it with a therapist and have instead been trying to create my own exposure exercises. The primary obsession I'm working on is the fear that I'm somehow flawed or invalid on a fundamental level. The best way I can describe it it is that its similar to the feeling you get when you have germ OCD and you feel contaminated, except my whole existence and being feels contaminated, so to speak. I've identified a list of triggers, and a list of compulsions (pretty much all mental) that I've noticed myself performing. I started out by doing imaginal exposures and scripts where I'd write out triggering fictional scenarios and read them over and over, combined with mindfulness techniques to focus on my breath and bring myself back to the present when I noticed myself performing compulsions mentally. At first it worked to some extent, but eventually I started to feel like the stories I was writing about this obsession weren't triggering any anxiety anymore or a very low level. So I stopped reading them and focused solely on improving my ability to stay present and identifying compulsions as I perform them, and disengaging. Now, I'm at the point where it seems like my general anxiety levels throughout the day are lower, and the triggers I've identified are producing noticeably less anxiety. But that makes me wonder if somehow I'm just secretly doing mental compulsions without knowing it? Is only a month of rather disorganized and unstructured ERP enough to produce this much improvement? To avoid giving me re-assurance, I'd appreciate if you guys don't directly answer those questions, maybe just provide some possibilities or your own experiences so I can get a better idea of where I'm at. Any info would be appreciated. Thanks!

Hi guys! I had really bad harm ocd about 2 years ago and I went through therapy and eventually got really good at handling it when it would pop up. The other day, I was scrolling on TikTok and came across a girl talking about a guy who was presenting a lot of schizophrenic symptoms but no one paid attention and got him help, he was having a lot of delusions, hallucinating, thinking everyone was out to get him, thought he was Jesus and his dad was the president and ended up doing horrific things. The day after that, I was dealing with some work drama and had the thought of “what if all my coworkers are against me and trying to get me fired”. That really stressed me out, cause I don’t normally think about them like that and I went down a rabbit hole of thinking that was the beginning of me developing schizophrenia, ended up googling stuff all night, taking tests, crying and seeking reassurance. I had a thought the other day “your dad is the president”, this one didn’t stress me out as bad as I knew it was just the video I had seen and it was an intrusive thought about it, and I also didn’t believe it. Today I was with some friends and I got a prize at a place we went and it said “lonely” on it. I do have my moments of feeling lonely and this week has been specifically trying so I had a thought like “oh someone’s out to get me cause I got this”. I know this isn’t logical and it wouldn’t make sense to just randomly get it if someone was truly after me and it was just a stupid prize at a random place, anyone could’ve gotten it. Im just struggling a lot with schizophrenic OCD and thinking I’m in the pre stages of it. In my good moments, I don’t think I am at all and it was all just sparked from the video I watched but in my bad moments, these thoughts feel real!! They really stress me out and make me feel like I’m going to lose my mind causing me to lose my job/ end up in a psych hospital/ never live a normal life/ end up alone, never see me my loved ones/ hurt my loved ones. I just want to feel normal and not like I’m about to lose my mind and everything I care about. Please help!!! Anyone else going through something similar and can help me get through this!

do y’all ever look back at memories from your camera roll and come across the time in your life when things were really bad? because when i do, i just feel so sad for the mental state i was drowning in. not that i’m not still, but i have more perspective on it so i’m able to manage it more. but a couple years ago, i rarely left my bed because of how depressed i had gotten. what’s worse is during that time, i had wished that i wanted to unalive myself. but there was never a point when i did want to so it made me upset because i had no way out if i couldn’t handle it anymore. however, i think that’s a blessing in disguise because i was thankfully able to get out of that dark period. i’m still experiencing terrible anxiety, but because i have those times to reflect on and remember i made it through, it’s motivating.